I hate to write something so pessimistic so close to Christmas, but it needs to be said, just in case you happen to be in the Northeast or in Port Richmond at some point throughout the holiday season, and you're tired of cooking lavish meals, and you get a hankering for some greasy bar food, and you've heard that there is a nationally renowned kielbasa cheesesteak sold at a restaurant not far from there, and that maybe you'll just order out tonight, or worse, visit the establishment and see what all the hype is about.
Here's the hype about the Malt House, both the Rockledge and the Port Richmond versions: the owners of these establishments are part of a pro-plague death cult, and you shouldn't give them your money.
We lived in Port Richmond when the first Malt House opened (the Gaul & Co. Malt House). We loved it. We thought of it as "our bar." Sure, there were plenty of townies there, but at the time, we were kind of townies ourselves. They were welcoming to us. We brought the kids there plenty of times. I was there three separate times on one St. Patrick's Day (mainly because they had free Irish breakfast that day). I was hanging out there plenty of late nights. I showed friends this gem in our neighborhood. We went to their block parties. We hung out there a lot, is the main point.
The big draw, besides the neighborly warmth, was the Wit' or Wit'owski cheesesteak. The pitch is that it's just like a regular cheesesteak, but the meat is chopped kielbasa instead of chopped ribeye beef. I can confirm for you that it tastes amazing. It was, for years, easily on my personal Top Three Sandwiches list. Friend of the blog Guy Fieri loved 'em too when he visited Port Richmond to check them out. Pam and I loved them so much that we had the Malt House cater Pam's fucking baby shower. I mean, hit the search bar above with "malt house" and see how many fucking hits you get about the Wit' or Wit'owski. It's a good sandwich.
When the pandemic hit, we did what we felt was the right thing to do: we ordered food from local establishments. During those early months, we were ordering Wit' or Wit'owskis at least twice a month, maybe even closer to once a week, and tipping generously. Even though our life plan morphed into moving to Fox Chase as the pandemic progressed, we still supported the Malt House, both emotionally and financially.
That's where we left it by the time we moved, in October 2020. However, that didn't mean that the Wit' or Wit'owski would be leaving our lives forever. Luckily for us—as we were told by family in the N'East—there was still a Malt House operating around our new house. Sometime before the pandemic started, the same owners had opened a second Malt House location in Rockledge. (It used to be Breen's, which you've been to if you were ever at a Pike Hike.) So it would theoretically be comforting to go pick up our favorite sandwich five minutes away from our new house as we grappled with the challenges of moving our whole lives across the city.
Theoretically. I dunno, man, ever since the very first time I stepped foot in the Rockledge Malt House, I started getting bad vibes. The first time, I was alone in the bar, picking up sandwiches, and the chick working the food delivery looked at me like I was a fucking slug. The second time, there were people sitting inside, which was against PA law at that point, and I was getting dirty looks for wearing a mask. The third and final time, the bar was fucking PACKED to the rafters, inside, not a single person wearing a mask, during a pandemic. There was a fucking DJ playing. This was pre-vaccine. The bar seemed to be actively courting this dangerous behavior. I got my food and got the fuck out of there.
I don't really ever want to go to the Rockledge Malt House ever again. It's not like I'm trying to boycott it, because people can do what they want with their own health, but in my mind, the Rockledge Malt House will always be irrevocably tied to the idea of being unsafe. I will never feel safe in that place. I don't want to go somewhere where I don't feel safe, ya know? Add on top of that the fact that the place is explicitly pro-cop, with blue lives matter insignia adorning the walls, and now I'm feeling doubly unsafe.
So fuck that place, in my opinion. Just my opinion, but you are reading my blog. My opinion was that I was cool never visiting Rockledge Malt House again. But in the back of my mind, I never really thought about forgoing Wit' or Wit'owskis for the rest of my life, since we still had the Gaul & Co. Malt House to fall back on. We'd visit Port Richmond one day and check out our old neighborhood bar. That would be a good day. Even though they have the same owners, there was a different vibe at the Gaul St. location. I felt safe there. Right? Right?
"We are beyond 'enough is enough.' ... The long-term repercussions for our great city will be devastating. We believe in separation of food and state. As loyal patriots who own and operate businesses here in the birthplace of America, it's getting harder and harder to ignore our freedoms slowly being taken away from us." This is Matthew Yeck, one of the owners, who operates primarily out of the Gaul & Co. location. He is talking about that location because it's the only one of the two that is affected by the Philadelphia vaccine mandated.
I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say this is one of the dumbest fucking things I have ever heard anyone say. What a fucking moron. What a fucking dangerous fucking moron. "Separation of food and state" is in the running for the worst, most hilariously ignorant thing a Philadelphian has ever said in this city's long history. Separation of food and state? What, is this asshole failing health inspections? Is my Wit' or Wit'owski going to have a cockroach in it because the Malt House refuses to listen to the state's suggestion that cockroaches should not be in their sandwiches?
Look, I just want to feel safe when I go out to eat. Knowing that everyone around me is vaccinated makes me feel safe. How hard is it to advocate that your patrons get the vaccine? And so why would I go anywhere that is bragging about their unsafe environment? It's so fucking disappointing that my old neighborhood bar is now lumped into my definition of unsafe establishments, because man, I used to feel so safe and comfortable there. But now the owner is saying that he doesn't give a shit about me. He's just another asshole who hates me and hates my family and would rather us dead.
I'm going to die one day. It probably won't be from COVID, fingers crossed, but I will eventually die. But I sincerely hope that, for every single day during the years I have left, that the Malt House does not get another single penny out of me. I will miss the Wit' or Wit'owski dearly, but it's not worth my health or my sanity.
I can't ask you to join me, I know that. Everyone has different opinions about how to deal with COVID as it is intertwined with our social lives. My parents, who couldn't give less of a fuck about masks at this point, but who were cognizant enough of the Rockledge Malt House's behavior and lack of standards that they called it "The Covid Café," still frequent the place, and I'm waiting for the day that my Mom wants to have her 58th birthday dinner there while the fucking sigma variant ravages Philly or some shit. Even me and Pam don't really have a solid COVID plan in place for when people invite us to shit—I know personally that we'll probably be safe going to Pam's anti-vaxx aunt's Christmas party if we wanted to, but I don't want to, because I want anti-vaxxers to suffer socially, to throw parties that no one shows up to, to not be allowed in bars or restaurants or concerts, to lose their jobs, because fuck them.
And fuck the Malt House. There was a time when I called the Malt House home. And it might not even be worth wishing closure on these establishments, since there are enough anti-vaxx losers in Port Richmond and Fox Chase / Rockledge to keep them flourishing for decades. Still, I do hope they close, because that would unequivocally make my current neighborhood and my former neighborhood safer.
Rest in peace, Wit' or Wit'owski. I'll eat you again when we meet in hell.
No comments:
Post a Comment