This Is My Blood: Two Robbers

I've had this in my fridge the entire year. I do not know where it came from. I was mostly trying to avoid it because I didn't feel like writing about a seltzer. Secondarily, I didn't feel like drinking a hard seltzer.

I turn my nose up at the spiked seltzer craze that has swept our fair nation since Memorial Day 2019. I'm sure it has a lot to do with being averse to trendy products—my misanthropy means that other people liking something is a turn-off for me regarding that something. That's a me problem, for sure.

For the record, though, I think most of these spiked seltzers simply don't taste very good. They brag about "zero sugar" and all that, but they still taste way too sweet for me. It's not a refreshing feeling, to drink a spiked seltzer, and that's supposed to be the one thing they are all about, right? They are supposed to be more refreshing than a beer, and I just don't see it.

I understand that it must be difficult, or maybe even impossible, to ferment sugar in a seltzer and have it not come out sweet. I'm not questioning the abilities of our nation's spiked seltzer crafters. I'm just saying that the product they make is not one I'm into.

The funny thing is, I love seltzer (the non-spiked kind). And, on top of that, I love when seltzer is the base of a cocktail. There's been a half dozen days this year when I drank a vodka and seltzer, and those drinks do the trick for me. They pack a punch, ABV-wise, and they sincerely taste refreshing. They taste like bubbly water and vodka; they taste nothing like sugar.

So the alcohol snob in me questions why spiked seltzers even need to exist. If everyone who bought a case of spiked seltzer would instead buy a case of regular seltzer and a handle of vodka, they'd be saving a lot of money, and drinking a superior product. Even health-wise, which is ostensibly the real reason why people are drinking spiked seltzers at an alarming rate, I don't believe there is much of a difference between vodka/seltzers and spiked seltzers.

I don't give a shit about "gender norms" or whatever. I'm not saying you are "girly" by drinking these things. That's a stupid fucking argument and it should die. Drink whatever you want, regardless of your gender.

I'm just saying that I personally think that spiked seltzers are stupid for everyone, and I hope that I don't face another day this year when I have to drink one.

Also... they all taste the fucking same!!! ... But I'm gonna stop writing about spiked seltzers right now, if you don't mind.

NOTES

BEER: Two Robbers Orange and Mango

GENRE: Spiked Seltzer

ABV: 5.2%

BREWED BY: Two Robbers

LOCATION: Philadelphia (not sure where exactly)

PURCHASED AT: It's been in my fridge for a while; I think it might've come with Hannah and Sam when they came over for the Clueless interview?

PAIRED WITH: Fish tacos

GRADE: 1 puke out of 5

BEER COUNT: 325