Prompt: "A cold or empty or bitter song that represents something that you lost or some feeling that you've been searching for and could never seem to find"
Selected by Sara
"Mother"
Golden Hour, 2018
While the lyrics of the song are very touching and meaningful, this short track always feels very distant and empty to me. It brings a part of life that I find myself in, pre-grief. Which sounds silly, but it's just when you get worried or sad in advance of a sad event. Such as your mom passing away. One thing I have never been able to cope with is death. From the time I found out what it meant, it terrified me. I can't get too deep into those thoughts because they can really pull a physical reaction out of it. Extreme nausea, tears, dry heaving, the works. What frustrates me is that I can't get past that. If I can't get to a point of reflection, can I ever find the answer? Probably not. Do I need that answer today? No. But, it makes me feel like there is a part of life that I am weirdly missing out on by ignoring it.
Ignoring the most inevitable part of the living experience does make me dread losing my family and friends. It causes the "pre-grief" to start. Naturally, experiencing the real thing is going to be harder, but the anxiety wrapped brain can create some really fucked-up situations. Like thinking about where I would move if my husband died? How often could I drive home if my dad got sick? How would I keep my friend's honor and memory around for his/her children? Maybe I am just overly anxious but also annoyingly prepared. Curse of the oldest/only daughter at it again. All I'm searching for is a little peace so these intrusive thoughts don't rule my life.
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