Explorers Are Frequently Lost: Who Wants T-Shirts?

written by Sam

Watching shitty basketball is all the easier when you're close up.

PHILADELPHIA — Who cares about college basketball in February? Certainly not this guy. And certainly not after the La Salle Explorers (11-13 (2-9)) lost the last two games by a combined 33 points. What could I expect to happen when last week I bemoaned the team for tearing up my heart by losing close games painfully? The Explos did me the common courtesy of getting their asses beat: the formerly last placed St. Louis Billikens (9-14 (2-8)) thumped the now-last-placed Explorers 102-84 on Feb. 7; and the first-place Richmond Spiders (17-6 (9-1)) dashed us 82-65 on Saturday.

I'll restrain my ire for at least another column and focus on something everyone can enjoy. Free shit!

This upcoming Saturday Feb. 17, I'll be leading a group of not-so-faithful alums to the Tom Gola Arena for an afternoon of nostalgia, cheap beers, and the inevitable paltry basketball play against the hated University of Massachusetts Minuteman (15-8 (6-5)).When our focus is not on our children or the less-than-stellar scholastic athletics, I invite attendees to devote their attention to the video monitors (there's two!) for one of the many wacky and vital in-stadium gimmicks.

I grew up attending many more minor league sporting events as a child than the pros. The Wilmington Blue Rocks, Lehigh Valley Iron Pigs, and Philadelphia Phantoms all claim a special place in my heart. In addition to silly logos and intimate vistas, these bush leaguers understood the value proposition that they offered. The time between the innings was almost as important as the play itself. Dizzy bat races, mascot tomfoolery, and tons and tons of free shit grease the wheels of low-level family fun.

Though the budget can't possibly be that mighty, the in-stadium crew at the Tom Gola Arena keeps your attention the entire game, especially when the basketball does not. Because fan support is at best lackluster, the odds are forever in your favor to be the recipient of said gimmicks. Here's an non-exhaustive list of the antics.

Shooting Baskets for a "Prize"

There's no reason to bury the lede here. Pretty much the entire reason I am writing this post is to share this video of our esteemed blog editor Joe K*** attempting several shots in an effort to win some never-to-be-named prize. Joe, my cousin Pete, and I attended the St. Louis game. The in-stadium MC (shown here as the woman attempting to rebound but having the ball bounce over her head) immediately pick us out from the 1,202 paid attendees as "Yes" people. Pete and I were chosen for a segment we'll discuss later. But due to his La Salle Pep Band outfit, the Talented Mr. K*** was drafted for the shooting contest.

Usually, this game features a student. But I guess it's hard to find those at b-ball games. Instead, Joe had one minute to make a lay-up, free-throw, three-pointer, and half-court shot. The stated stakes: a prize pack courtesy of La Salle Athletics. The real stakes: avoiding embarrassment. Joe joked that she chose the least skilled among Pete, him, and I. I won't lie, though; I was happy to avoid being put on this spot.

And he did pretty well! Although the MC thwarted his efforts to practice, Joe exerted his fundamentals, tossed the ball against the box, and pretty effortlessly made a lay-up. Good start. Like our Explorers, Joe struggled a bit from the charity stripe. It got a little tense, and the PA announcer offered knee-bending advice. It's unclear if he followed that wisdom, but Joe drained the 1-pointer with 30 second left on the clock. With the nerves loosened and the blood flowing, Joe began heaving three from the top of the key. He nailed a league average one-for-three to advance to the half-court shot with 12 seconds left.

And that's all he needed to do! Sure, it would have been an epic conclusion for Joe to make the half-court shot. Maybe like in the film Eddie staring Whoppi Goldberg, Joe would have been enlisted to coach the Explorers for the rest of the year if he made the miracle shot. Alas, no prize pack, but a gentleman's effort.

Free Shit!

Throughout the game, all from La Salle are giving away shit like the carnival barkers they are. There's a cardboard Herr's Potato Chip Truck (?) box that a kid earns. Presumably it is filled with salty treats. T-shirts are tossed out lamely by the Dance and Cheer teams—usually just to people in the first two rows. And the game culminates in a gimmick I've never seen replicated, and probably for good reason.

At the last media time-out, which happened last Wednesday with 3:23 left in the game, the spirit quad grabs 8 (EIGHT!) boxes of pizza and hands them out to the faithful that have hung on that long. These are large cheese pizzas from City View Pizza at Broad & Olney. The pizza is usually delivered early in the second half, but is not distributed until very late in the contest. 

I have won the pizza three times. All you need to do is anticipate the giveaway, make noise and eye contact, and it's all yours. But it's cold, gross, and a burden—what the fuck are you going to do with a pizza box? For the novelty of it, I will encouraged our La Salle Friends to win the pizza Saturday. But my view is that stadium pizza is not best served like revenge. My daughter Maggie refuses to eat this cold pizza.

Court-Side Seats!??!?!

I don't want to step on the Sixers Sisters column, but Maeve & Bridget and Joe & me all got upgraded (separately) to courtside seats two days apart from each other. It's certainly more improbable for Maeve's story, but baseline seats are really awesome no matter the contest.

Technically, Pete and I were "upgraded" to sit directly under the basket for the duration. For the bulk of the game, no one else sat near us (except for what I think were the referee's keys), so we snuck Joe down too. And thank god. This was a particularly miserable basketball game, but my senses were dulled by how fucking close we were. I'll post some pictures, but they don't truly capture the nearness of it all. 

It's great to hear player chatter, see childish antics, or act smugly about how the La Salle fans were wrong about bad foul calls (the game was called fairly; we just suck).

If not for the up-front-and-personal view of the game, the madness of giving up 100 points to St. Louis would have short-circuited my pleasant chatting with Joe and Pete. As it was, I have to say, it's nice to be personally catered to. This column has subjected us all to a lot of tedious La Salle talk. I'm happy the university could give a little back this week. If nothing else, I was entertained. 

"Explorers Are Frequently Lost" strives to be a weekly column about the La Salle's Men's Basketball Team, but I hope is about other stuff, too.