Gloria, Joe

The following interaction took place on August 22, 2014.

2023 Joe: Don't be alarmed! I'm you, from the future.

2014 Joe: Shit... I got fat.

2023 Joe: I know, but that's not why I'm here.

2014 Joe: Why are you here? Try to make it quick. I'm a little busy.

2023 Joe: Right, right. You're getting married in nine days. What was on the agenda for today?

2014 Joe: Well, I dropped off a deposit check with the caterers, I drove down to Delaware to buy all the liquor—

2023 Joe: You bought too much. Some of those bottles are still half full in Dad's garage.

2014 Joe: —and right now, I'm putting together the cocktail hour music playlist.

2023 Joe: Are you going to add any Sam Smith?

2014 Joe: What? Why the fuck would I add his shitty music?

 

2023 Joe: "They."

 

2014 Joe: Huh?

 

2023 Joe: Sam Smith uses the they/them pronouns.

 

2014 Joe: I don't follow.

 

2023 Joe: It was a thing in 2014, but it wasn't as widespread. Gender is fluid.

 

2014 Joe: Okay, I can see that.

 

2023 Joe: And so people should be allowed to use whatever pronoun they want. Non-binary folks in the 2020s are using "they" and "them" instead of the pronouns for the gender they were assigned at birth.

 

2014 Joe: Okay, I get it! You're sounding a little preachy, man.

 

2023 Joe: Sorry. I'm getting my master's in social work.

 

2014 Joe: Social work? How the fuck did that happen?

 

2023 Joe: You'll find out in about three months. Anyway, I didn't travel to the past to discuss your future plans. I used my time machine to visit my former self and talk about Sam Smith!

 

2014 Joe: Yeah, yeah, I know their one song. "Stay with Me," right?

 

2023 Joe: That's it!

 

2014 Joe: It's a piece of shit song. I hate it.

 

2023 Joe: I do too. Lame ass fake gospel ass shit. But you gotta admit, it's pretty popular. Maybe people are gonna like hearing it at the cocktail hour.

 

2014 Joe: Nah, that's not the vibe I'm going for. We want upbeat and indie-leaning, since it's really the only time all day I'll have any say about what music is played by DJ Dave.

2023 Joe: Unfortunately... it's going to rain during the cocktail hour, and everyone is going to pack into the wine cellar, and no one is going to be able to hear your mix CD playing over the speakers anyway.

2014 Joe: Well that's a bummer.

2023 Joe: Nah, it's still gonna be one of the best days of your life.

2014 Joe: Nice. This is a good mix, though, if I may say so myself, regardless of whether anyone hears it. It starts with the Orwells' "Who Needs You." Are you still listening to that song in 2023?

2023 Joe: No.

2014 Joe: What?! It's a great song!

2023 Joe: Yeah, but the lead singer is going to be outed as an abusive piece of shit.

2014 Joe: Wow. Okay. That's terrible. I doubt that's going to happen to often with the music we like, though, right?

2023 Joe: ...

2014 Joe: Right?

2023 Joe: Let's talk about Sam Smith. They have the #2 song in America right now.

2014 Joe: #2? Wait, what's #1? This feels like important information to remember, the #1 song in America when I get married.

2023 Joe: Actually, I only looked it up the other day. It's by a band called Magic!, and the song is called "Rude."

2014 Joe: I don't recall.

2023 Joe: The faux-reggae piece of shit that goes [singing] "why you gotta be so ruuuude?"

2014 Joe: Nooooooo.

2023 Joe: Yeah.

2014 Joe: Is DJ Dave gonna play that at the wedding?

2023 Joe: I forget. Probably.

2014 Joe: Goddamn it.

2023 Joe: Hey man, same thing as Sam Smith. People like it.

2014 Joe: But it has lyrics about how the singer hates his father-in-law because he won't let the singer marry his daughter! I don't want that played at a wedding that my own father-in-law paid 50% of the bill for!

2023 Joe: Ha, I never thought about that. Look, I'll be honest, the band Magic! doesn't really take up that much space in my 2023 brain.

2014 Joe: But Sam Smith does?

 

2023 Joe: They're still a concern because we're covering their latest album for Record Club.

2014 Joe: What the fuck is Record Club?

2023 Joe: You'll find out in 2019. Suffice it to say that you and your friends are going to be listening to Sam Smith in 2023.

2014 Joe: Are they still popular?

2023 Joe: A song from the new album hit #1, something that "Stay with Me" will never do.

2014 Joe: Is it a good song?

2023 Joe: "Unholy" is not a good song.

2014 Joe: But it's popular.

2023 Joe: Yeah, but only because it went viral on TikTok.

2014 Joe: And now what the fuck is "TikTok"?

2023 Joe: It's like this video app that people use to do trendy dances. And sometimes those dances are to specific songs. And then those songs becoming popular on the Billboard charts as a result. It's a whole fucking thing.

2014 Joe: That sounds terrible.

2023 Joe: You don't know the half of it. In actuality, the app is spyware used by the Chinese government.

2014 Joe: What?!

2023 Joe: Haha, yeah, and no one gives a shit, apparently. Except president trump did back when he was president.

2014 Joe: What?!?!

2023 Joe: It was really the only thing he got right in four years.

2014 Joe: President...?!?!

2023 Joe: Actually, let's not go there, if you don't mind. You'll find out eventually.

2014 Joe: But can't we do anything about this? Or are we doomed?

2023 Joe: Eh... this whole time travel thing doesn't really work like it does in Back to the Future. What happened will always happen. There's nothing I can do to change it.

2014 Joe: Oh, so it's like Prisoner of Azkaban.

2023 Joe: Oh yeah, shit, I forgot you already wrote that blog post.

2014 Joe: I wonder if I'll ever have time to write on the blog more than like twice a year ever again.

2023 Joe: Nope. Blogging isn't really a thing for you in 2023.

2014 Joe: Really?

2023 Joe: Okay, we keep getting distracted. Sam Smith!

2014 Joe: So what do they sound like in 2023? Still have that goofy Kermit the Frog thing going?

2023 Joe: Ha, yes! But they're trying out some new sounds other than boring-ass ballad.

2014 Joe: Like what?

2023 Joe: Well, "Unholy" is a piece of shit, but at least it's not boring. It's got this big industrial-type stomp thing going on, with a big gospel chorus. It's also the first #1 ever by a non-binary artist. And, the featured artist, Kim Petras, is the first transgender artist to hit #1 too.

2014 Joe: Hey, that's pretty cool.

2023 Joe: Eh, it's complicated. Kim Petras also has pretty strong ties to Dr. Luke.

2014 Joe: Who the fuck is Dr. Luke?

2023 Joe: He's a music producer. In about two months, Kesha is going to sue him for sexual assault.

2014 Joe: The "wash my teeth with a bottle of jack" chick?!

2023 Joe: The very same.

2014 Joe: So this Dr. Luke is a piece of shit.

2023 Joe: Pretty much.

 

2014 Joe: And what, Kim Petras didn't know that he was abusive?

 

2023 Joe: Nah, she knew. Kesha performed a song about it at the Grammys.

 

2014 Joe: Man... is 2023 as exhausting as it sounds?

 

2023 Joe: Yeah, man.

 

2014 Joe: So wait, does Dr. Luke have anything to do with Sam Smith's 2023 album?

 

2023 Joe: Well, no.

 

2014 Joe: So why are you even bringing him up? Is this just you being preachy again?

 

2023 Joe: I can't help it sometimes!

 

2014 Joe: I think I'd rather hear about Sam Smith some more, to be honest.

 

2023 Joe: There are a couple good songs. "I'm Not Here to Make Friends" is a pretty cool disco-y type thing. "Lose You" kind of like that Cher song "Believe." Not bad.

 

2014 Joe: Okay, so they're doing the whole dance club aesthetic?

 

2023 Joe: Eh, those are really the only two on the album.

 

2014 Joe: Is that a thing in 2023?

 

2023 Joe: Yeah, actually. Beyoncé just fucking did it this past summer.

2014 Joe: Oh wow, she's still pretty popular, huh?

2023 Joe: Possibly the most popular, depending on who you ask. But she's also a huge scumbag who preaches love and unity and inclusion for the LGBTQ community, but then just recently accepted $24 million from rich people to perform at a new hotel in United Arab Emirates, where being gay is punishable by death.

2014 Joe: Dude, I'm just going to ignore you when you bring stuff like that up. Unless you're telling me Sam Smith is prioritizing being rich over doing what's right as well?

2023 Joe: No, I don't think so. They actually sing a lot about accepting themselves on the new album. It's pretty heartwarming.

2014 Joe: Oh yeah?

2023 Joe: Yup. The album starts with a song called "Love Me More," which is all about learning to love oneself, despite the hardships that come with living an a society that is partially unaccepting of one's lifestyle, still. For instance, when a huge pop star like Beyoncé preaches the "one love" stuff but then sells out by performing in a country with some pretty atrocious human rights violations.

2014 Joe: Still ignoring you.

2023 Joe: Okay, but oh man, I wish you could see the video for "Gimme."

2014 Joe: Is that a good song?

2023 Joe: No! It's fucking terrible! But watch the video. Look at how happy Sam Smith seems, dancing around in a club that they kind of a look a little old for. That is a person who loves themselves for who they are. And I can see that being a nice message for all the teens out there who are still figuring themselves out, that it does get better, that you'll eventually fully embody the person you want to be, and that'll hopefully bring happiness.

2014 Joe: Aw, well that's nice. I'm happy for them. But honestly, it kind of sounds like a backhanded compliment.

2023 Joe: True. This isn't an album for me. But I can easily, easily imagine this album being important for others. And there's value in that.

2014 Joe: You're talking about the LGBTQ community, I suppose?

2023 Joe: Mostly! It's important to support art from marginalized populations. Non-binary people have the same rights as us. Look, let me tell you a little secret: we want non-binary people to have access to the same boring-ass pop bullshit that the rest of us do!

2014 Joe: I think maybe it would be more beneficial if Sam Smith had better music, though?

2023 Joe: No! That doesn't matter! They are happy, they are doing what they love, they are connecting to the youth who look up to them! This is important! Doesn't matter if I personally don't think there are any bops on this album. Plenty of people are going to hear Gloria and hear bops that they love!

2014 Joe: Okay... I gotta stop you right there. What the fuck are you saying? "Bop"? What the fuck is a "bop"?

2023 Joe: Hahahahaha. Oh, younger me. Sorry, I forgot that isn't a thing yet. Yeah, a lot of the younger kids describe music as a "bop."

2014 Joe: But what the fuck is it?

2023 Joe: I have no idea! Seems like kind of a shortcut to describe music you like, I guess?

2014 Joe: And people use this word in 2023 to describe music?

2023 Joe: Yup.

2014 Joe: Sounds stupid.

2023 Joe: Wait till you hear about "vibes."

2014 Joe: What?

2023 Joe: And "slaps."

2014 Joe: What?? You're making this up.

2023 Joe: I am not. But it's whatever.

2014 Joe: Really? Knowing you—which I do, because I am you, nine years earlier—you seem like the type of person that would be annoyed by it.

2023 Joe: Nah, man. It's not like that anymore. Language is important, but it's only important that the words you are using are able to be interpreted by the audience you are communicating with. I know what my friends mean when they use the word "bop." I think it's stupid, but you can't deny that it works to relay the writer's opinion on the music. And so I say: fuck it. Say what you want. Write what you want.

2014 Joe: Interesting though, that the conversation turned to the subject of language, since that seems to be one of the main takeaways for you. With the pronoun thing, with the hypocrisy of what terrorist pop stars say versus what they do, Sam Smith's purposeful language to express their contentment, the bops or lack thereof.

2023 Joe: I suppose you're right.

2014 Joe: But so it's interesting that the language you choose was this time-traveling transcript. The sort of jokey tone conveys your dismissal of Sam Smith without being too harsh about it.

2023 Joe: Yeah, I dunno, it seemed necessary. I have nothing against Sam Smith, except for the tiny little itsy bitsy concern of disliking most of their music.

2014 Joe: And I know it was a matter of timing, today being one of the days Sam Smith was at their height commercially, and only coincidentally also nine days before your (and my) wedding. But if you're going to go this route, then it surprises me that you wouldn't give more space to your current and my future wife, to have her say in the matter. I mean, I know you are concerned about Sam Smith's new album, but I don't give a shit about that. My mind is fully on the love of my life and our impending commitment.

2023 Joe: I hear what you're saying, but to be fair, she is writing her own review of the album.

2014 Joe: Oh shit, really? Damn, that's awesome. I'm making the right decision, marrying Pam, aren't I?

2023 Joe: Hell fucking yeah, dude.

2014 Joe: I can't wait.

2023 Joe: I do think you're right that this album review gimmick is probably appropriate on a deeper level though. When it comes right down to it, I'm talking to you about love. Sam Smith has a lot of love to share. I'm acknowledging the existence of that love just like you will be publicly acknowledging the love for your wife next week. That's what it's all about, man, ain't it? Love. Love for music, love for each other, love for the human family, that we get to experience this crazy fucking thing called life together. Love. I love it.

2014 Joe: Wait, you love Sam Smith's new album?

2023 Joe: No no no. It sucks shit. Probably one of the worst albums I'll hear all of the year 2023. But I love Sam Smith now, and I'm glad this album exists.

GRADE: 2 pukes out of 5

The following interaction took place on February 3, 2023.

2045 Joe: I'm from the future!

2023 Joe: What album are you doing this time?

2045 Joe: The new Ed Sheeran album, No.58 Collaborations Project! Help!

2023 Joe: [shoots 2045 Joe in the head]

2045 Joe: [dies]

2023 Joe: You're welcome.