Joe is rewriting all the old Xanga posts that he wrote in high school and beyond, which ends up being exactly as bad as it sounds.
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August 27, 2005, 1:25 AM
Three tales at the tail end of summer.
Tale #1: Sneaking Out
This is a follow-up from last time, when I promised you that I was going to sneak out of the house in the dead of night with a paper and pencil and see what strange dark thoughts came to me in the silence of the Rockledge backyard solitude.
The trick is to open the door slowly. Almost too slowly. Take fifteen minutes to open the door so that it doesn't creak and the sleigh bells attached to the doorknob don't jingle. A fraction of a millimeter at a time. And then stop every millimeter and listen, quietly, quietly, see if anyone is stirring one-and-a-half floors up.
As my sister predicted in the comments, the trampoline was wet, so I couldn't lie on it. It didn't even rain, but I guess it's an early-early morning dew or something. It was also pretty dark, since I couldn't turn on the lights and the moon was nowhere to be seen, so I had trouble writing anything even if weird thoughts had come to me. Finally, let's be real—I was afraid of getting in trouble. I know the punishment would have been lenient, since I wasn't doing anything besides chilling in the backyard, and I even left a note explaining where I was so that they'd see the note before realizing I was gone and hopefully allow cooler heads to prevail. But still. My mind was too fuzzy with thoughts about What If to be able to act as a conduit to some higher truths handed to me and released through the pencil. Oh well.
Tale #2: Small World
I talk shit on Northeast Philadelphia constantly, but there really is something to say about this neighborhood feeling like a small town. It feels like everyone knows everyone else. I can walk down Huntingdon Pike / Oxford Ave. and run into so many people, just completely fucking randomly. Me and Cindy were aimlessly traveling down the thoroughfare and ran into Joe H., N. Golden, Lenny and George the unhoused dudes, Mr. C., a random kid from my grade school... had we kept walking, we'd have seen everyone we ever knew. I know there's not much to saying what's up and then parting ways, but it really does instill within me a sense of community. I like it.
To take this idea to its limit, I wanna tell you about the first time I saw someone whom I didn't even know I knew. It was a crazy coincidence. Me and Cindy are chilling at the end of Jim's block, just shooting the shit and eating some Wawa hoagies, and all of a sudden we see a girl around our age or maybe a little younger enter the woods. We had seen some other kids walk in there earlier, so it was assumed that there was a keg party occurring. A few minutes later, the girl walks out and asks us if we had seen anyone, and we told her we had but it was maybe 20 minutes ago, and we're talking and then me and Cindy decide to just accompany her into the woods.
As we're walking, this girl is on the phone, talking to someone. All of a sudden, she turns to me and says, "Holy shit, are you Joe K***?" I laugh and say, "I am, who the fuck are you?" and she's like, "I'm talking to my boyfriend, Andrew H****." Then it hits me, "Shit, are you Tooie?!" I had heard from my cousin that he had a girlfriend but didn't meet her yet... that is, until I randomly walked into the woods in search of a keg party with her.
There was no one in there though, and eventually we all parted ways, and I ended my night drinking a milkshake from Burger King alone, but damn, dude, it's nights like these that make me feel not so alone in this world at all.
Tale #3: A Desperate Thought
Tale #1: Sneaking Out
This is a follow-up from last time, when I promised you that I was going to sneak out of the house in the dead of night with a paper and pencil and see what strange dark thoughts came to me in the silence of the Rockledge backyard solitude.
The trick is to open the door slowly. Almost too slowly. Take fifteen minutes to open the door so that it doesn't creak and the sleigh bells attached to the doorknob don't jingle. A fraction of a millimeter at a time. And then stop every millimeter and listen, quietly, quietly, see if anyone is stirring one-and-a-half floors up.
As my sister predicted in the comments, the trampoline was wet, so I couldn't lie on it. It didn't even rain, but I guess it's an early-early morning dew or something. It was also pretty dark, since I couldn't turn on the lights and the moon was nowhere to be seen, so I had trouble writing anything even if weird thoughts had come to me. Finally, let's be real—I was afraid of getting in trouble. I know the punishment would have been lenient, since I wasn't doing anything besides chilling in the backyard, and I even left a note explaining where I was so that they'd see the note before realizing I was gone and hopefully allow cooler heads to prevail. But still. My mind was too fuzzy with thoughts about What If to be able to act as a conduit to some higher truths handed to me and released through the pencil. Oh well.
Tale #2: Small World
I talk shit on Northeast Philadelphia constantly, but there really is something to say about this neighborhood feeling like a small town. It feels like everyone knows everyone else. I can walk down Huntingdon Pike / Oxford Ave. and run into so many people, just completely fucking randomly. Me and Cindy were aimlessly traveling down the thoroughfare and ran into Joe H., N. Golden, Lenny and George the unhoused dudes, Mr. C., a random kid from my grade school... had we kept walking, we'd have seen everyone we ever knew. I know there's not much to saying what's up and then parting ways, but it really does instill within me a sense of community. I like it.
As we're walking, this girl is on the phone, talking to someone. All of a sudden, she turns to me and says, "Holy shit, are you Joe K***?" I laugh and say, "I am, who the fuck are you?" and she's like, "I'm talking to my boyfriend, Andrew H****." Then it hits me, "Shit, are you Tooie?!" I had heard from my cousin that he had a girlfriend but didn't meet her yet... that is, until I randomly walked into the woods in search of a keg party with her.
There was no one in there though, and eventually we all parted ways, and I ended my night drinking a milkshake from Burger King alone, but damn, dude, it's nights like these that make me feel not so alone in this world at all.
Tale #3: A Desperate Thought
Most of those reading this Xanga right now know me. You know the type of person that I am, and you know what I stand for and don't stand for. Knowing this, please ask yourself: Would I, Joe K***, ever, fucking ever, judge someone based on whether they drink or do no drink alcohol? Fuck out of here, of course not. I don't care what you choose for yourself. That's your prerogative. You could be a substance abuser already in AA or a hardcore straight edge teen, it don't matter. If you're a good person, I want to be your friend and I want to hang out with you.
I bring this up because I heard some chatter that I've been prioritizing those who drink over those who don't. If that's the case, then I'm sorry. Sincerely. That seems like a me problem, and it's one that I can fix. Just please keep in mind that drinking is often a means to an end and certainly not a character trait, and ultimately the type of person you are has nothing to do with what you choose to put in your system.
I bring this up because I heard some chatter that I've been prioritizing those who drink over those who don't. If that's the case, then I'm sorry. Sincerely. That seems like a me problem, and it's one that I can fix. Just please keep in mind that drinking is often a means to an end and certainly not a character trait, and ultimately the type of person you are has nothing to do with what you choose to put in your system.
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Comments:
Joe_Mac89: I agree with the last statement. I have no problem with the fact that you drink, and I don't plan on judging nice people negatively because they do drink.
Baby_C: dude... DOES THIS TOOIE LADY GO TO MCDEVITT ?!?!?! if so... then that'll be funny.
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August 28, 2005, 12:06 AM
If only there was somewhere else to write short thoughts like this. Maybe a website where you can write message that are fewer than oh say maybe 140 characters. I don't think something like that would work but you never know.
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August 29, 2005, 12:55 AM
When's your birthday?:: the first of December
What day do you wish was your birthday?:: Shit, this is gonna be one of those surveys, huh? I don't know. I think my birthday is fine where it is.
So how old are you?:: Sixteen years old
Do you like being that age?:: I am fucking INVINCIBLE. Nothing can stop me.
If not, what age would you rather be; if yes, then why?:: One day I will be 35 (yuck) and miss the age that I am currently at. Miss it like hell.
What’s your school like?:: It's a prep school that pretends, like all prep schools, that it is better than all other prep schools
Do you even like your school?:: I'd like my school if I liked school, which I do not. Are you fucking kidding me with all these questions about school during the summer, especially the tail-end of summer, when I'm incredibly depressed about the imminent return to school???
Do you have a job or are you too lazy like me?:: Wait, who wrote these questions? Doesn't seem like a lazy person would write a whole damn survey format. I have a job. I am still lazy. Oh shit... yeah, I see now. "Lazy" is a defense mechanism.
If yes, tell me about your job; if no, why not?:: One symptom of working in a retirement home is obtaining the knowledge that all senior citizens are the same. They all have the same outlook on life, all have the same self-centeredness, all make the same damn complaints all the goddamn time. Yes, you're right, the soup is cold, but this does not make you a precious snowflake. Just have some patience, brah.
Describe to me your personality:: Here is the truth—I consciously present as a laid-back sorta guy, but on the inside, I'm seized with terror that I will not live up to the expectations of my parents.
What do you do when you're bored?:: In order of priority but not in chronological order (usually): listen to music; hang with friends; masturbation
Well what do you do when the electricity goes out and you can't rely on electronics to keep you occupied?:: I don't mind being alone. I think I'd like to give it another go and sneak out back again and lie down and look up at the stars (you were wrong—there are stars visible from where I'm from).
Are you into sports, more of the "fine arts," or a mix of both?:: I'm good at nothing. I like watching sports but have definitively proved that I am worthless in my participating in sports. I like trying different art—music, poetry, theater—but acknowledge that I am also bad at these things. I think the question implies that it's an either/or but it's not. You can enjoy everything, even if you're competent at nothing.
Are you a people person?:: Who knows, man. Not for me to decide. I try my best to be a good person. I acknowledge that there is a sizeable faction who believe that that's not good enough. I want people to like me, and being a good person seems to be a good way of getting that to happen, so there you have it.
What do you want to be when you grow up?:: I want to help people in some tangible way. I don't care about money. I need money to live but I know lots of money isn't going to bring me happiness, so it's gonna be a coincidence if I ever end up with a lot of it. Helping people makes me feel good. I don't know how to do that, though. Maybe be a therapist or something.
What is, in your opinion, the easiest job in the world?:: Probably those jobs that make you sit in front of a computer all day. What are those people doing? I always remember that Simpsons episode in which Homer is working from home and just has that little toy bird peck the Y button over and over. I'd like a job like that.
Are you responsible?:: I am spilling my guts on a public Xanga. What do you think?
Which is better (or more tolerable) — Explain yourself:
Cats or dogs as pets?:: I have a dog, but my patience is wearing thin.
Digital watch or regular?:: Digital watches are pretentious. Just tell me the damn time, I don't need gadgets.
Pepsi or Coke (sorry, I know that's a big repeat, but it has to be asked)?:: Pepsi forever. Coke is too syrupy. I will never be budged from this opinion, up to and including any members of my immediate family being certified Coke People.
Hot tub or sauna?:: Both are a little uncomfortable, but saunas I can imagine are closer to "torture" than hot tubs.
Freshly caught fish or cheapy frozen fish sticks?:: I'm still developing my palate. Eventually I'll say fresh fish but right now I'm too deep in the muck and mire of my teenage years to spurn those tasty fishsticks in any way.
Boring teacher or mean teacher?:: Mean teachers are a good challenge. I like earning the respect of mean teachers, and eventually finding out that they aren't so mean, just strict, and just expecting better of you. Also, mean teachers give you more to talk about outside of class.
Gum stuck in your hair or curling brush stuck in your hair?:: Is the curling brush getting stuck that big of a deal? I sincerely don't know.
Paper cut on your tongue or dirt in your eyes?:: Paper cut, it freaks me out when anything touches my eye.
Carpet or hardwood floors?:: Not really a question that a sixteen-year-old non-home-owner cares about.
Candles or room spray?:: Candles are nice. Those room sprays are too thick. You can taste them. No one wants to taste fart odor eliminator spray.
Smoothie or milkshake?:: What's the difference? The addition of milk? I hate conversations about food like this. People get so upset for no fucking reason. Just enjoy what you enjoy. No reason to care about what others enjoy or don't.
Block scheduling or eight periods a day (for school)?:: Stop with the school shit, right goddamn now!!!
Monopoly or Candy Land?:: Reminds me of something the large senior citizen resident at the Laf, known as Big Joe, said to me when I was late with his dessert: "What happened, were you stuck in Molasses Land?!?!?!"
Crying by yourself or having someone to cry with you?:: Tough to cry with someone else. I feel like seeing someone else cries makes me less likely to cry. It's my savior complex, probably.
Baby screaming or fingernails scratching chalkboard?:: All you have to do to stop hearing the fingernails on the chalkboard is move the fingers away from the chalkboard. All you have to do to stop hearing the baby cry is... not have any babies. One is more difficult than the other.
Chicken or beef?:: At the point where I prefer chicken cheesesteaks over regular cheesesteaks, but I know that's just me.
Talking on the phone or instant messaging?:: IM is obviously easier but phone calls say you care.
Mini blinds or shades/curtains?:: I don't know what this means.
The Lion King or The Little Mermaid?:: I ain't no fackin KID!!!
Watching the rain or being in the rain?:: Running in the rain is romantic in theory but all it gives you is wet shoes, and those fuckers take DAYS to drive, and make an awful racket in the dryer, and come out never feeling quite right anyway.
Soft pillow or firm pillow?:: It's not firmness, it's thickness. Gotta have the right thickness. I usually stack one thick pillow and one thin pillow.
Whoo, whoo, all about LOVE and Relationships
Okay, first obvious question, are you single or taken?:: I am reacquainting myself with the former after a summer of the latter
If taken, take a moment to brag all about your significant other:: *blank stare*
What do you look for in a relationship?:: Someone who wants to join in on the fun instead of whatever the opposite of fun is
What’s your type, physically?:: I think women are attractive. There is no other way to describe it.
Of all the people you've dated, who was the one you fell for the hardest?:: One winner by default
Of all the people you've dated, who was the one that you definitely could’ve done without?:: One loser by default
What was the longest relationship you've been in, or what was the longest time you had a crush on someone?:: The relationship lasted two and a half months, but I have a feeling that in the years to come I will describe it has having "lasted for the summer"
Tell me about your first kiss. If you've never been kissed, tell me what you want your first kiss to be like:: We were in the alleyway behind the row houses on Longshore Ave, and I was in seventh grade. We were playing truth or dare. Extrapolate from there.
Are you all for or against public displays of affection?:: Big public boner over here
Which is most important to you in a relationship, trust or compatibility:: Incomparable qualities. Someone isn't going to be compatible if they are incapable of trust.
If you really like someone, are you more likely to eventually ask them out or forever hold your peace?:: Depends on how many Smirnoff Ices I've had thus far.
What's the best place for a first date?:: Into the deep, dank woods of Burholme Park for some illicit substances
Would you prefer more romance or fun in a relationship?:: Fun. Fun leads to romance. Romance doesn't always lead to fun.
Have you ever told someone you loved them?:: Oof. Yeah. It's already aged poorly.
If yes, did you mean it; if no, did you ever want to tell someone you loved them but didn't?:: Wounds are too fresh, mate, I can't do this now.
Has someone ever told you that they loved you?:: Sure.
If yes, what was your initial reaction and did you say it back?:: "I love you" is a bullet that I know now I do not understand how to dodge if necessary
Does "true love wait"? (What is your opinion on premarital sex?):: This isn't as big of a deal as magazines that parents read want you to believe. Have safe sex if you wanna have sex. Don't have sex if don't wanna have sex. For everyone else: hand stuff.
Have you ever been asked out and had to turn them down?:: Honestly, that sounds like my worst nightmare, and I'm not joking
If yes, what did you say; if no, have you yourself ever been turned down?:: Never really been turned down either, just due to lack of experience, though I'm sure heartbreak is imminent down the road
Do believe that there's that perfect someone out there for you?:: There are probably more than one, but that doesn't mean that the process is going to be easy
Ever had your heart broken?:: Still feels intact to me
Ever broken someone else’s?:: I don't know. Maybe. Probably. I hope not.
Would you rather date a bunch of people all throughout high school and settle down when you get older or meet "the one" while you’re still young?:: Both sound great. Sign me up for either. Jeez, man, people are fucking weird. What would I prefer, falling in love or falling love? C'mon, yo.
What do you like most about the opposite sex?:: They are pretty. I feel at ease when I am in the presence of a woman.
What do you dislike most about the opposite sex?:: Women tend to be more self-critical, which is just crazy to me, since, as we've already established, women are very pretty, and it pains me to hear them talking shit about themselves. Confidence is key! You are pretty! Know it!
Would you rather have to break up with someone or be broken up with?:: Both suck. It doesn't matter. It hurts either way.
Is a serious commitment in a high school relationship a bad idea?:: Probably in the long run. Because what happens when you both head to different colleges?
Have I asked enough questions on this subject?:: LOL, thanks for reading the room.
If yes, scroll down to the next section; if no, say whatever you want to say about love in general that I didn't ask you:: Every new love is a surprise.
Friends...
Well, instead of having a big section asking you which of your friends is the cutest, funniest, nicest, blah blah blah, I want you to tell me all about the friends that you feel like telling me about.:: okay sure—
—Harry and Andrew, my cousins-not-related, we've been through a lot together, so much so that the blood relation feels real.
—Kristin and Cindy and Mary, all that time in elementary school that we didn't use to hang out feels like wasted time these days
—the rest of my hometown pals, like Ed, Mike, Ali, Meri, Jule, etc.
—all my high school pals, Charlie, Monty, Markey, etc.
—all my high school pals, Charlie, Monty, Markey, etc.
Who was your elementary best friend?: Ryan, Tom, Matt, Mark, Justin, people I don't hang with anymore, but I acknowledge the good times we had
Would you rather have a few really close friends or a big group of casual acquaintance type friends?:: You can have both. The two ideas are interlocking. But, gun to my head, I'm picking big crew over small
I'm just curious...
Do you find blonde jokes offensive, hilarious, or just stupid?:: I was a blond once! For one summer! I looked like Marshall Mathers! I have a right to be OFFENDED.
What do you like to watch on TV, if you watch TV?:: TV on my head, but don't call me a TV Head.
Do you have any plants in your house?:: Not my house, not my plant rules
Ever had a pet fish?:: Remember when they had that carnival in the parking lot below the Church Hall? I won a fish there. It died two days later. I think it was murdered.
Were you a cute little kid or an annoying little kid?:: I was annoying for a while and now I'm still annoying but there's not much I can do to change that I guess.
Are marshmallows good anytime or strictly a campfire treat?:: You're... "just curious"... about my... marshmallow habits??? I hate surveys.
How many magazines are you subscribed to?:: Still subscribed to Nintendo Power, let's fucking go!!!!
When is the last time you went to the dentist?:: I don't keep a calendar for these things. But I should.
Did you have any cavities?:: Had four cavities at one visit. That visit was on 11/1. What mother is going to deny that her child had four cavities the day after Halloween? Felt like a scam to me.
Do you have a song stuck in your head right now?:: "Ferdinand the Imposter" by the Band, an outtake on their self-titled sophomore album
What is your favorite variety and color of M&Ms?:: Isn't the whole deal with M&Ms that they all taste the same? What the hell does it matter? What kinda operation you runnin' here, sonny?!
In your opinion, what’s the best type of dessert and why?:: F.K.A. Krimpetman64 says: Tastykake Butterscotch Krimpets
While we're on the subject, what's your favorite food?:: the tacos that you can make with just ground meat and those packets of taco seasoning
Are you allergic to any foods?:: not that I know of
What's your favorite comic strip?:: I cannot believe I read the comics enough to have an opinion on this, but I do, and it's Pearls Before Swine. A lot of the comics in the Sunday section bore then hell out of me. Baldo, Hargar, Sally Forth, Cathy, Beetle Bailey, etc. All kinda bad. I think the one that bashes the government is interesting, since I hate GWB like a good liberal but the constant complaining about it is a little tiring.
Is the squeeze out of a bottle jelly an amazing development or a waste of time?:: I guess it's easier, but you still need a knife to spread the jelly, so it's not that much of a time-saver. This prompt does make me fondly recall a nice memory of eating PB&J out of a tube while hiking through New Mexico. Good times.
What's your favorite Jelly Belly flavor?:: Underrated combo is banana and grass flavors. Something about it feels peaceful and nature-y.
Do you believe in God?:: I'd still say yes, just because it's nice to have someone or something to bring your troubles to, ya know? Though I'll also say that the radio silence on the other end is kinda annoying.
If no, tell me why; if yes, tell me why:: This is true—we have free will. I can say yes or no, and nothing will happen to me. To prove it, I will say GOD DOES NOT EXIST and then you can see what happens to me.
Did you know that Jesus loves you?:: The part that people don't remember is that he loves everyone equally, which makes it a little weird when folks wage war in the dude's name
The Future... (dramatic "oohs" and "ahhs")
Do you have it all planned out or are you just going to take life in stride as it comes?:: You're a goddamn fool if you think you can plan this shit.
When do you get out of school?:: I have two years of high school left, followed probably by four years of undergrad. Can't see myself going to grad school, but you never know. So that's at least six years, maybe more. Seems doable. Also seems sometimes like I'm gonna regret all the bitching and moaning I do about school.
Excited?:: Very excited for college, actually. Seems like a good opportunity to start fresh.
What are you going to do this summer?:: What am I gonna do this summer. Sir, it's fucking over. Summer is kaput. I did my best to keep it right where it is but it's almost gone. What I did this summer can be found on a goddamn Xanga somewhere close to you right now.
Are you going to move away as soon as you're out of school or stay where you are?:: I wrote in the Xanga post the other day how much I like my neighborhood. Tough to imagine leaving this corner of the world. But you never know.
So do you know what college you're going to, or if you're even going to college?:: Probably whichever school offers me a scholarship. I don't know if I'll get anything, but if I have one deciding factor, it's that.
If you are, what do you think your major will be?:: I am leaning toward psychology. I don't know, man, it kinda feels right for me. I like thinking about how I think, and I like thinking about how other people think. I like problem solving. Maybe Psych is the way to go. But I have a hot minute to think about it.
Do you plan on getting married, provided that you meet the right person?:: Start planning the bachelor party.
If so, do you want kids? If yes, how many?:: Between two and five sounds great.
Tearful Goodbye... (sniff sniff):
What more important, more practical thing could you have done instead of filling out this survey?:: Any number of things, but primarily I'm thinking that the small mountain of homework that piled up over the summer could've been attacked in some way instead of me pissing my life away on this Xanga.
About how long did it take you?:: Almost twenty years.
Was it worth it?:: Never is, brah.
What are you going to do now that it's over?:: I don't remember. Go to sleep, probably.
I guess it isn't over yet, is it?:: Nothing ever ends, it just changes. I will be surveying the landscape of my soul for many years to come.
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