Like last year, I find myself in a self-imposed situation in which I am for some fucking reason forcing myself to write a blog post every day, while also feeling no obligation to write something GOOD every single day, especially today, one of the five big holidays of the year, and especially this time of year during this particular year, when I'm also writing a bunch of shit that actually matter (social work nonsense) in the long run.
And so! Instead of just embedding a video like Thanksgiving 2020, I'm going to go in the opposite direction, and pretend that I'm going all out for this post (but then also put in just as little work into as possible). Go ahead and skip ahead to the album reviews tomorrow.
I will now write at least one sentence for every single PoYB category tag (as seen at the top of the page in tiny little boxes), if at all possible.
Music — Songs called "Thanksgiving" are hit or miss. "Thanksgiving" by Cordae is delightful. "Thanksgiving" by Pinegrove is one minute long and barely a song.
Reviews — That new Courtney Barnett album is a lot more chill than her previous output, which is really saying something, but after a while, it yielded some really nice fruit, at the very least much more than the previous album (I guess that's why this new one is called Things Take Time, Take Time, because it took time (took time)?). GRADE: 3 pukes out of 5
Irregular — [the very nature of this blog post makes it "Irregular," and if that's confusing, then please ask me to talk meta about my shitty blog sometime, I'll talk your motherfucking ear off]
Lists — Thanksgiving foods, ranked:
11. Cranberry sauce
10. Yams / sweet potatoes
9. Green beans
8. Corn
7. Mashed potatoes (homemade)
6. Turkey
5. Gravy
4. Croissant
3. Mashed potatoes (instant)
2. Dessert
1. Stuffing
Nostalgia — I was on a cruise with my family, and the ship was docked somewhere, and I told my parents during lunch that I had to take a shit, but instead I ran to the liquor store next door, convinced the dude to sell me at age seventeen, poured the vodka in a water bottle, and snuck that shit back onto the ship.
Drinking — I guess that covers "Drinking" too, but let's still go with something else: I just found out that Guinness has almost the same amount of calories as Miller Lite.
Emo — I will never be good enough at writing to be able to escape my humdrum job and write full time. I've accepted this, and you should too.
Movies — The Holiday was pretty good. I'm not convinced that Jack Black fit as a romantic lead. I'm also not convinced that that was what the movie was trying to do with Jack Black's character anyway.
Philly — Hey, what happened with that Adam Sandler movie that was filming in Philly? Do we have a release date? What are the chances that Sandler's character is going to be mentally challenged and/or in a fat suit?
Television — I didn't have enough material to make this point a full blog post about The Great British Baking Show, but here's the main point anyway: ***SPOILERS SPOILERS SPOILERS*** I am glad Jürgen was kicked off, and I think his elimination was well past due.
Miscellaneous — I never have to clean my Klean Kanteen water bottle because, like the plumbing in your walls, it's always in use.
Food — Thanksgiving foods, ranked, this time from best to worst:
1. Stuffing
2. Dessert
3. Mashed potatoes (instant)
4. Croissant
5. Gravy
6. Turkey
7. Mashed potatoes (homemade)
8. Corn
9. Green beans
10. Yams / sweet potatoes
11. Cranberry sauceFamily — For some reason, my daughter wanted a Baby Yoda stuffed animal for her birthday. None of us have ever watched The Mandalorian, and we certainly have never played anything Star Wars related for the kids in their entire lives.
Hometown — I was thinking about Gordon the other day. Remember him? The guy who, urban legend has it, got fired from his overnight shift at Wawa for clipping his toenails behind the sandwich counter? I've personally kept that urban legend going for so long that even I'm questioning whether that could have possibly been truth.
Internet — Puke on Your Birthday got invited to participate in Uproxx's annual Critics Poll for the second year, so if anything, that's motivation to have your PoYB Top Music of the Year lists out next week, despite my school workload. (I don't think that my #1 song pick is also going to be the consensus pick again this year, though.)
Transcribed —
Joe: Did you pick the album for next week yet?
Pam: ...
Sports — Looks like Od*bel H*rrera is not coming back to the Phillies next year, so I should hopefully be able to watch the Phillies 2022 season in full. But I will say this: for the rest of my life, starting now, if any of the Philadelphia sports teams employs a known domestic abuser, I will refuse to watch that year.
Top Five — Top Five Planets
5. Jupiter
4. Mars
3. Pluto (justice for Pluto)
2. Venus
1. Uranus (there's wall art of all the planets in cartoon form at our pediatrician's office, and they are each doing something cute, like the Earth cartoon is pulling a moon cartoon on a leash, Saturn is wearing the rings like a hula hoop, Jupiter is sucking up asteroids with a vacuum cleaner, etc. Uranus is just laughing.)
Politics — How fucked up is it that Thanksgiving is a day to commemorate the beginning of a mass genocide of Native Americans, and Native Americans still populate our country, and they are forced to watch as every other American comes together to share a meal and watch a parade and completely ignore the fact that settlers got to America and tried to kill every Native American they could? Will Thanksgiving as a holiday ever face a reckoning similar to C*lumbus Day, or are our turkey traditions too far entrenched?
College — I drank a lot in undergrad. I haven't been perfect in grad school, but I'm making large strides. Doesn't hurt that I am significantly older than most of my classmates.
Print Media — Time to revisit Dazed and Confused this winter break—Alright, Alright, Alright has been picked (not by me, promise!) as our next Book Club book.
Holidays — Today is Thanksgiving.
Meta — Puke on Your Birthday 4ever.
From the Vault — "Happiness! Oh what a relief to have finally met you! To bask in your warm light! To be nourished by your unending existence! Your being is shade on a hot summer day, a warm fireplace in the dead of winter, a full-course meal on Thanksgiving day. You greatness pulses through my vains [sic], it flows through the luscious rivers of great Mother Earth, it crashes against the ever-expanding boundaries of the universe. For but an moment I felt your glory, but I will feel it forever, every day of my life, every moment in sickness and in health. I doth not brag; I am neither proud nor boastful, I am neither humble nor overzealous nor smug, nor coy, nor haughty. I am but merely content. I sit in this chair, and I smile, and I am content." —Shelter from the Storm, 3/14/08
Degrassi — Jimmy Brooks was faking his injury.
Gaming — Can't wait to get finished with this blog post so I can start writing the next essay play solitaire.
Should I Watch This? — Succession. Should I watch this? Sure.
Charlie Watts Sucks Ass — I know what I'm giving thanks for today.
(Sidenote: I am now being informed that I cannot have more than 20 tags on any given blog post. But how will all the rest of the Charlie Watts haters find this post after Thanksgiving if it's not tagged up as such?!)
Song of the ___ — play us out, Sum 41:
No comments:
Post a Comment