Former Child Actor, Joe

Right off the bat—this is bad. Real fucking bad. Anyone who says otherwise is just succeeding in being a contrarian in a Record Club where contrarianism is encouraged.

But to determine whether this is truly bad on merit or if it is just a bold and brave failure of an attempt at art would require us to step into the mind of Corey Feldman, which I am not equipped to do. I am not TMZ (or rather, what TMZ believes that TMZ is). Even if I was, I don't think I'd want to. This is a man who seems sincerely invested in stopping the allegedly rampant child abuse in Hollywood, but who also has a large portrait of Michael Jackson on his living room wall. I read about plenty of people who are all fucked up in the head with contradictions—throw a dart and hit one of the thousands of Inquirer articles about the so-called "trump country"—but I draw the line at Corey Feldman.

(Okay, here's one more: his current backing band is called "Corey's Angels," consisting of young women whom he has purportedly "saved" from "desperate circumstances—so, the same vulnerable type of young person that he once was in the entertainment industry. Except, he went ahead and married one of them, and also the icky factor is so high that Wikipedia has to note that "members of Corey's Angels are not required to sleep with him.")

We're here for the music, not to be judge and jury for some fucking Hollywood goonie. So I return to my original point—this music is a fucking ballsack.

If you need to know one thing before listening, then know this: Corey Feldman takes John Lennon's "Imagine" and attempts to turn it into a sex jam. It's almost impressive, when you think about it. Feldman takes what is already possibly the worst song of all time, and makes it even more terrible. Look, if he is doing this on purpose, i.e. consciously trying to make a terrible album as some kind of statement, then consider the statement made and the battle won.

It'd be real easy to pile on at this point in the review (another round of "Jingle Bell Rock," anyone?), and I really hope someone else does in their review, because Former Child Actor deserves every fucking insult y'all can throw at it. But at a certain point, it becomes like a car crash. I've never been one to rubberneck, and I have no problem turning away.

GRADE: 1 puke out of 5