I used to write the "horoscopes" for the school newspaper. I didn't take them seriously and I didn't pretend to take them seriously. This was just another way for me to write some limp-dick quips and make myself laugh. Some are bad, some are a little sexist I guess, some are too inside-baseball regarding La Salle University, some I don't even understand now, but some of them still made me laugh today, and some of them have been preserved in the archives. I'll list below the ones that I could find, because what better do we have to do this evening? I'm the psychic, and I say: NOTHING.
Aries: A sticky situation may arise due to the carelessness of a friend or relative. It's best to lay low.
Taurus: You may find it difficult to make it to third floor Wister. Stop for a smoke break.
Gemini: Someone you've seen from afar may finally make the first move. Don't be a coward!
Cancer: That thing you your foot... you should get that checked out.
Leo: Choose wisely which road to take. Depend on the strength of others to make the difficult decision. Or flip a coin.
Virgo: Tempers will rise when an acquaintance ruins your plans. Simply make adjustments; it could lead to good things.
Libra: Those young hooligans are horseplaying near your prized azaleas again. Squirt them with your hose!
Scorpio: They say that you must walk a mile in one's shoes to understand them. They weren't talking to you, Scorpio.
Sagittarius: The Triwizard Cup you will touch in the middle of the maze is really a portkey, and Voldemort will slay you.
Capricorn: Think like a cat today—sassy, reserved, and quick on your feet.
Aquarius: Your loved one could have ulterior motives when suggesting that he or she "is feeling suffocated."
Pisces: A jellyfish will happen upon your swimming trunks.
Aries: You may just meet the man of your dreams, Aries. Well, actually, he's a vampire. But if it works in the movies...
Taurus: It may be time for you to submit something to Kicks. Obviously, no Tauruses read this newspaper.
Gemini: Has it been a rough week, Gemini? With all those papers and tests? Just forget about doing homework. Failure is all relative.
Cancer: Your world may be turned upside down when you find out Dumbledore is gay.
Leo: The economy is hitting you hard, Leo. Just buy six cases of Ramen.
Virgo: He whom you depend on this week may fail you. Someone you least expect will be in your good graces. Yes, I'm talking about fantasy football.
Libra: [Insert something vague and possibly sarcastic here], Libra.
Scorpio: Now might be a great time to prepare for the task ahead—only 78 shopping days until Christmas!
Sagittarius: You have been having weird dreams in which a giant marshmallow is chasing you around, screaming obscenities. Yeah, you're, us, definitely not messed up.
Capricorn: Yes, Capricorn? Would you like to contribute to the conversation? Oh, you were just stretching. I thought you had your hand up.
Aquarius: You may get the urge to order a cheesesteak from the new sandwich shop. Hurry, if you order now, it might be ready by exam week.
Pisces: No one reads your blog!
Aries: A serious relationship could be threatened, Aries, with an argument over the correct pronunciation of "tomato." Just call the whole thing off.
Taurus: Your roommate may yell at you to make your bed. God, he's more like your mother every day!
Gemini: Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel. Columbus discovered America. Albert Einstein created the Theory of Relativity. You have terrible indigestion.
Cancer: For Student Government Day, you get to be the mayor. Beware, however, as things may go awry at the Mister Swirly ice cream factory!
Leo: Despite your best attempts, you just can't leave the house without your dog making a mess on the carpet.
Virgo: You have ambition, resourcefulness, and are very cunning, Virgo. Too bad that makes you a Slytherin.
Libra: It seems a close friend may be planning to trick you. Be suspicious of that new boutonniere on his suit jacket.
Scorpio: It's Halloween on Saturday, and you know what that means, Scorpio. Another excuse to cross-dress!
Sagittarius: You start finding hair growing in all the weirdest places. Oh god, I hope you aren't a female, Sagittarius.
Capricorn: You order an egg and cheese on white toast from 20th Street Grille, and lo and behold, they ACTUALLY give you an egg and cheese on white toast!
Aquarius: Your intricate knowledge of the North Halls fire escape routes comes in handy when the latest drunken idiot pulls the fire alarm in jest.
Pisces: I see a parade in your future, Pisces. A red parade.
Aries: A friend may constantly refer to his buddy "Dave," but conspicuously does not know Dave Matthews personally.
Taurus: The SEPTA strike is over. Thank god! Now you finally get to enjoy the dank, smelly, and dangerous subway again!
Gemini: While trying to find a place to hold your permanently floating craps game, consider that the mission may be the perfect spot. The head of the mission is in Cuba!
Cancer: It is becoming painfully obvious that your girlfriend is pledging a sorority. C'mon, who wears heels on a Monday morning?
Leo: Last Saturday you passed out with your shoes on. Good news, Leo. That permanent marker may finally fade from your face soon.
Virgo: Noticing that your economics class hasn't been meeting for the past two weeks, you finally realize you still haven't set your clocks back for daylight savings.
Libra: Blahhhh.
Scorpio: If it happens to your birthday this week, and you happen to be the president of a certain Catholic university, and you happen to have a certain Kicks editor in your religion class, you should really consider giving that editor an A in his upcoming project.
Sagittarius: You may attempt to prove true all those rumors about Led Zeppelin, a hotel room, and a mud shark.
Capricorn: Destiny dictates that either you or an evil wizard will die at the hands of the other, the fate of the entire wizarding world depends on you—and all you can think about is your date with Cho Chang.
Aquarius: (267) it seems like all people do nowadays is quote textsfromlastnight.com
Pisces: When your ex lands that internship over you, it feels like he or she is the Fresh Prince to your Carlton, who is now hosting a show on the Game Show Network.
Aries: Teachers are hitting you left and right with last-minute assignments. Good thing you haven't cared about schoolwork since October.
Taurus: Be careful with that scalding hot drink, Taurus. If you burn your lips, everyone will think the burn is herpes, and you can kiss the dating scene goodbye.
Gemini: Someone in your family or close circle of friends may try some sort of ruse to trick you, much like Baloo the Bear when he dressed like an ape.
Cancer: You may just score season tickets to see the Philadelphia Union all summer! Too bad soccer is lame.
Leo: The crippling economy means you may not have enough money to buy food. Good thing there's still some Halloween candy left.
Virgo: You may win the lottery this month. Or you may get struck by lightning. Same thing.
Libra: Good luck during that three-hour exam, Libra—the same genius who built Olney Hall with windows that can't open just turned the heat all the way up.
Scorpio: If you don't use the hand sanitizer in the computer lab, you will die.
Sagittarius: Happy birthday, Sagittarius! If you're like me and you turned 21, you might enjoy your first beer. I had never had one before. It made my tummy all fuzzy inside.
Capricorn: Don't accept that blind date. Your mystery date looks about as good as Lady Gaga on the cover of Rolling Stone.
Aquarius: After seeing a great new show on MTV, you might want to put a deposit down on a Jersey shore house for next summer. Don't forget your hair gel and your tanning bed.
Pisces: It's only awkward if you make it awkward.
Aries: Only the good die young. Looks like you'll live forever, Aries.
Taurus: ¡Oye! Puedo interpretar las estrellas en español, también. ¡Tengo quince penguinos picantes!
Gemini: Which grade is better on a report card, an F or a W. You're about to find out, Gemini.
Cancer: You are thinking about becoming a priest or nun. It might fit you well... but wait, what is this "chastity" thing people keep talking about?
Leo: GTL. Gym, tanning, laundry. Because when you look great, you feel good, and it's a great night. That's the situation.
Virgo: Everyone is looking for you, and no one can find you. Perhaps you shouldn't have worn your red-and-white striped shirt and hat combo plus blue jeans, glasses, and a cane.
Libra: Someone has written insulting words about you in the bathroom stall. You are undecided if it's worse what was said or that you lack a pen to respond.
Scorpio: You may have a somewhat disturbing run-in with a senior citizen. Don't let their musty smell and love of tilapia get to you!
Sagittarius: St. Miguel does not want to be your patron saint.
Capricorn: You are a phony. Please pop your inflated self-righteousness. Shine on you crazy diamond.
Aquarius: Your mother's birthday is Feb. 2, which begs the question: Which do you love more, Mom or Lost?
Pisces: zzzz... zzzzzz...... huzzah? What? Oh man, I totally just dozed off there while reading about politics in the Collegian. Yikes. My bad.
Aries: You may find that your life has been boring lately, Aries. Try to find comfort in the fact that it isn't as boring as The Real World: DC.
Taurus: If your computer stops working, don't bring it to La Salle's IT department. Angelo R***** always finds all your porn.
Gemini: Since all your classes are in Wister, you start to wish that the building would get flooded too. Then you realize that it wouldn't matter—the rooms are so hot, the water would instantly evaporate anyway.
Cancer: An insensitive Facebook status may cause an uproar among your peers, who may subsequently join in the petition for a "dislike button." These people are idiots.
Leo: It's true. The weather is extremely cold, Leo. Just stitch together all your unpaid La Salle parking tickets for a makeshift blanket. C'mon, everyone has so many of those things.
Virgo: It's been exactly four years since Dick Cheney shot his friend while hunting, and you may be starting to realize that Dick Cheney jokes aren't funny anymore.
Libra: Lil Wayne wanted to interpret the stars this week, but the profanity was just too much for such a clean Catholic institution.
Scorpio: It's a blizzard out there! But everything is closed! Ah, but wait! Thank god, something is open! Thank god for Wister Beer!
Sagittarius: For Sagittarius, I have not only a prediction, but advice. Bet La Salle to win the NCAA Basketball tournament. The stars do not lie!
Capricorn: You know you live a sad, sorry excuse for a life when you start to compare everything to Degrassi.
Aquarius: Don't eat the snow.
Pisces: You may be sad and disappointed this week to find that what the Kicks editor passes off as "horoscopes" these days have become too absurd, too specific, and terribly unfunny.
Aries: With a heavy workload, now is a good time to take advantage of the private study rooms in the library. Naked study time!
Taurus: In music class, your twelve-member band features only one person who can legitimately play an instrument, thus turning "Art of Listening" into "Art of Cats in a Burlap Sack."
Gemini: A haircut will fundamentally change the core of your being.
Cancer: Admit you're a shut-in and go buy Splinter Cell. Are you reading this, Dave P*****?
Leo: Wearing Abercrombie's "Fierce" cologne won't get you more dates, it will just make you stink like the Willow Grove Mall.
Virgo: Write your ten-page research paper this weekend, but use a five-page block quote to save time. It's cool, your professor said she doesn't mind.
Libra: St. John Baptist de La Salle once wrote, "Devote yourself with zeal and affection to your work." I guess I'm not doing Thirsty Thursday this week.
Scorpio: You may meet your soulmate this week. But don't accept his or her number! Just have them write it on a $5 bill and spend the next three years hoping fate will bring you together again. That makes sense, right?
Sagittarius: You are a hopeless romantic. Try not to relate everything to How I Met Your Mother—it's just a sitcom.
Capricorn: A dark gray cloud hangs over campus. Sadness permeates everything. If what I feel were equally distributed to the whole human family, there would not be one smiling face on Earth. Better luck next year, La Salle basketball.
Aquarius: You have seen the track team running all through the fall, winter, and spring, in every kind of weather, and it has motivated you to start running yourself. Actually... nevermind, you lazy f***.
Pisces: You should totally come see the Masque's production of God's Favorite over the next two weekends. C'mon, Pisces. Do it.
Aries: An argument with a friend does not necessarily spell the end of your relationship. Just wait it out and let things cool down... or you can just stop being a little bitch.
Taurus: You may actually start to feel good about the whole Greb-embezzelling-money thing. Feel free to steal silverware from Treetops now, conscience-free.
Gemini: That bathroom stall was right—your frat really does rule!
Cancer: Please, please, please, please, PLEASE stop quoting Family Guy.
Leo: Try not to let your opinion of your professor change too much just because she is a Mets fan. I'm sure she's a nice person otherwise.
Virgo: That sand in your shoe may be annoying, but don't let it go; it's the last vestige of summer you have left.
Libra: If Young Money were to do these horoscopes, they'd probably write something like, "Got them writing love letters in they journal / Keep 'em on these toes like a midget at the urinal."
Scorpio: If you start to feel overwhelmed about your six-class workload, perhaps you should apply for a Time-Turner.
Sagittarius: "We cannot change the direction of the wind, but we can adjust our sails." Yeah, I totally interned at a fortune cookie factory this summer.
Capricorn: When in doubt, dress to impress. Unless you are the nude model in my sculpting class.
Aquarius: A sexy man may enter your life sometime soon. The question you need to ask yourself: is he a vampire or a werewolf?!?!?
Pisces: You need to stop living your life according to horoscopes. You know I make all this crap up, right?
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