This is it, Swifties. Code Red!!! Our gal Tay Tay has herself a new man, and so it's time to really get to know America's new #1 power couple! Travis Kelce—who is he? Is he the right guy for our precious Taylor? What do we know about Tayvis Swifce so far? Well, you came to the right place. Here are EIGHT important things all TRUE Swifties should know about this whirlwind romance.
1. Travis Kelce attempted to give Taylor his number after he attended the Eras Tour this past July. Though it wasn't successful at the time, Tay no doubt appreciated his forwardness and chutzpah. According to those closest to the situation, Taylor had been harboring a crush every since she broke things off with that scuzzy dude from that sleaze-rock band, and jumped at the chance to make the connection when Kansas City Chiefs coach Andy Reid reached out.
2. A tight end is a offensive position in football. This is Travis Kelce's chosen position, and football fans say that he might be one of the best players to ever do it. Tight ends must be versatile; depending on the play, they might be called on to catch the ball, run the ball, or even act as an extra blocker. Travis Kelce had 110 catches for 1,338 yards and scored twelve touchdowns in seventeen games at a tight end in 2022.
3. Tony Gonzalez also played tight end for Kansas City, from '97 to '08 (and then for the Falcon from '09 to '13), and by many metrics, he was legitimately the best tight end in the history of the NFL. On February 2, 2017, he starred in a Season 3 episode of Lip Sync Battle, in which he lip synced to two songs—"The Humpty Dance" by Digital Underground and "Whip It" by Devo—when he faced Ray Lewis. Lewis ultimately prevailed. There was a special guest appearance by Nelly.
4. Ray Lewis most likely murdered two people in 2000, but escaped conviction in large part because the white suit he was wearing the night of the stabbing was never found. The following year, Lewis was named the Super Bowl XXXV MVP when his team won.
5. Edgar Allen Poe, author of "The Raven," died on Sunday, October 7, 1849, at 5:00 in the morning. No one knows what he died from. He was found incoherent and wearing someone else's clothes. He was also yelling the name "Reynolds" over and over, and no one close to him knew anyone by that name. Poe's final words were reportedly "Lord help my poor soul."
6. In a 2014 survey, about 3.1% of Americans self-identified as atheist, though about 9% stated that they agreed with the statement that they "do not believe in god," and an additional 2% stated that they are "not sure if there is a god." Probably doesn't help—in this author's admittedly skewed perspective—that the Catholic Church is basically a glorified pedophile ring, with tens of thousands of priests outed as sexual abusers.
7. On "Dreamer Deceiver," Rob Halford sings: "Standing by my window, breathing summer breeze / Saw a figure floating, 'neath the willow tree." Even when its poetic in the manner it speaks about some kind of spirit, you have to consider that almost every song on the album Sad Wings of Destiny can be seen as something actually realistic, and in many ways, shocking.
8. Taylor Swift has a tree nut allergy. She would have died on her family farm growing up, had it not been for her heroic pet, a golden retriever, who barked until help arrived. It is not known at this time whether Travis Kelce is a fan of tree nuts, but only time will tell, and Swifties are nothing if not patient.
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Joey Buzzfeed has logged on.
Joey Buzzfeed was murdered by Ray Lewis.
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