Top Five Tuesday: Dogs

If it were up to me, we'd never get a dog. I'm buckling under the weight of raising two kids in the secondary role (mom is primary, obviously), and to think that taking care of another helpless creature could be thrown on top of that load is almost unfathomable. Also, consider the strange but undeniable truth that, when it comes to dogs and other pets, I am hopelessly germophobic. The dog I have the most contact with is my parents' pup Chloe, and yeah, because I know this dog (and because she is hypoallergenic), I give her the requisite few pats on the head, but then it's off to the bathroom to wash my hands vigorously. Even the cleanest, most well-groomed canines in the world gross me the fuck out, and all of them—even those like Chloe who don't shed—make one's house smell like a dog cage. I hate that. Dogs are cute from afar or over the internet, but up close, I hate everything to do with them.

However, there will most assuredly be a day in the distant or maybe even near future when I realize, like many other dads before me, that it is not up to me. There is no choice. When the girls are old enough to want a dog, that'll be that. My hygienic, hairless, sneezeless life will be over, and I'll be forced to care for a little beast who will stare me in the eye and shit on the carpet and not think anything of it because s/he'll know s/he is the head of the house and I'll be reduced to a servant more so than I already am.

Then again, I had all these thoughts about babies, too, before I had any for myself, and nowadays I don't even fucking blink when Willow goes and pisses all over the new couch before we can even get it set up properly, and I still love her dearly, so maybe the same would happen with a dog. I dunno. In any case, I hope I don't have to think about it for quite some time.

To celebrate the lack of puppies in my life, here are my top five favorite songs about dogs.

Top Five Dog Songs

5. "Me & My Dog" by boygenius

 

I don't need a dog for companionship. There's no need to escape this world with my dog in tow, as if s/he would be my only friend or something. I have enough love to give, but let's not spread it too thin, okay?

 

 

4. "Cadaver Sniffing Dog" by the Mountain Goats

 

At least some dogs have a purpose. Some dogs are able to provide a skill to its owner. Whereas dogs as pets are there to... what, exactly? Provide animalistic instinct cloaked as "love" and "affection"?

 

 

3. "Take the Doggie" by Shy Boys

 

Yes, sure, there would come in time a sense of protection over the dog, a comforting sense of lordship. You'd want the best for your dog. It's only natural. But I'd like to keep those types of feelings concentrated on my kids for now, if you don't mind.

 

 

 

2. "Every Song Sung to a Dog" by Fred Thomas

 

Every dog is a reminder to every human that life is precious and that life is complicated and that life means nothing, ultimately. I don't want such a reminder pawing around my house.

 

 

1. "Dog Problems" by the Format

 

See, this is another reason I don't want a dog. Too much commitment! The protagonist of "Dog Problems" learned this lesson when he bought a dog with his then-girlfriend but then broke up. The fate of the dog is never revealed, which means that, for better or worse, the dog was never important to either of them. I already know that! I know that a dog won't be important to me! Don't give me that responsibility!

 

 

DISQUALIFIED FOR BEING TOO OBVIOUS:

"Cleaning Up Dog Shit" by Tim Heidecker

 

I mean, yeah, I'm spending my weekends cleaning up baby shit, especially now that Pam works every Friday and e/o Saturday and Willow is trying to conquer potty training and Martha, well, there's no controlling that one. I already have enough to remind me that life isn't what it was. It's something different, something new, something still good. I feel like if I added the responsibility of cleaning up dog shit, then that might be one example too many of the type of life I currently lead.

 

 

DISQUALIFIED FOR NOT ACTUALLY BEING ABOUT A DOG:

"Dogs" by Pink Floyd

 

True, better to have a dog in your life than have what the dogs in "Dogs" symbolize in your life—late-stage capitalism, basically. If those are my choices, give me a goddamn dog.

 

 

WORST DOG SONG OF ALL TIME:

"Martha, My Dear" by the Beatles

 

Yes! "Martha" in this song refers to Paul McCartney's dog! When you ask whether we named our daughter after a Beatles song, then you are basically comparing our daughter to a dog! Shame on you! Know your Beatles trivia and stop implying that I'm a shitty parent!!