Four Seasons Total Landscaping

hot take coming up

It's been a couple months since the sweaty creep Ghouliani stood at a podium in the parking lot of a landscaping company in Northeast Philadelphia and made his case for a trump victory. We've all had our laughs, and we've sent our tweets, and we've moved on to the next political debacle to joke about / complain about on social media (as of this writing: cunts like Pat Toomey preventing the next stimulus check from getting through the Senate). It's been fun. But the fun is over. It's time to come back down to earth and to consider that this random fucking gardening company, ten minutes away from my house, has done their part in irreparably damaging our democracy, and so when someone invokes the name "Four Seasons Total Landscaping," it should be met with not chuckles or applause, but with cold sharp rebukes and boos and hisses and loud Philly FUCK YOUs.

At this point, you know the details of the debacle. A few days after Election Day, for debatable reasons, trump's henchman, Giuliani, held a press conference in Philadelphia. trump had, at first, tweeted that the press conference was going to be held at "Four Seasons," but later corrected that it was going to actually be at "Four Seasons Total Landscaping." I include myself in the 99.999% of the population that was not aware of the existence of a landscaping company in NE Philly called "Four Seasons." But there is, and for some reason, that's where the press conference was held.

There were rumors that trump had been denied by the actual hotel, and so the sycophants that he surrounded himself with tried to placate him by booking a speech not at the Four Seasons, but a Four Seasons. It's a theory that seems like it could be true, since trump has the most delicate and fragile ego in American history. As much as I want to believe, I think we should go with Occam's razor and just assume that Rudy wanted to be as close to I-95 as possible so he could get the fuck away from us Northeast Philly mouthbreathers as quickly as possible.

Anyways, Giuliani held his press conference, during which he told lie after shameless lie to everyone who was listening. He also brought a "witness," a man who claimed that he saw firsthand voter fraud in favor of Joe Biden. In reality, this so-called witness is actually a sex offender. Afterward, Giuliani got out of dodge, on his way to the Supreme Court to fart in their leather chairs, and the internet blew up.

Truth: this was funny. The trump administration was trying to convince the American public of voter fraud, and they were doing so in the parking lot next to a dildo store. For a general populace absolutely wrung the fuck out following a grueling election season, this was a release. This fucking LOSER is in the parking lot of some random LANDSCAPING company on an industrial road, in spitting distance of my favorite strip club, this fucking ASSHOLE spouting incoherent lies about a month after he was caught on camera rubbing his cock on camera while in front of a said-to-be-fifteen-year-old. This was probably the funniest thing that's happened in trumpworld since he served cold fast food to some bootlicking athletes.

About a month after the incident, the Inquirer provided some necessary background information. What of the owners and employees of Four Seasons Total Landscaping? How do they feel about this fiasco? Well, for the most part, it seems like they handled it as well as possible. The notoriety was expertly funneled toward some good causes—T-shirts were sold, a virtual marathon was held, a lot of money was raised for charities. What basically amounted to a meme was laundered and came out the other side looking fresh and wholesome. Just last week, I was driving past Four Seasons Total Landscaping (it really is on my normal route home, I didn't go out of my way to see it), and there were a bunch of kids getting their picture taken outside of the building. Everyone is still chuckling and having a wonderful time.

And now, if I may, it is time to throw some cold water on all the fun. The undeniable truth is that something like this doesn't just happen. Not even the president's top goon can just show up at someone's company and hold a press conference without approval. Someone at FSTL had to have received a call, had to have been asked if allowing Giuliani to fart out of his mouth on their property was okay, and had to have said yes. This decision should be condemned. The laughter needs to end. Four Seasons Total Landscaping willingly allowed a corrupt administration to spread a racist sexist loser president's disinformation to the public. They didn't completely demolish democracy, but they were a willing participant in keeping the bulldozer on course. They turned the keys. This business deserves to be wiped from the face of the earth, and yet everyone seems to still be content with it getting away with it's misdeeds. Is a good meme worth all this?

That Inquirer article really does everyone a disservice. It's shitty journalism. It allows its subjects to quietly push the blame for this to... anyone else. The subtitle reads: "It was nothing we anticipated." I call bullshit. It's been five years of this shit. If you really didn't know what hosting the trump administration on your property means at this point, after five years of this shit, then you are all the most ignorant motherfuckers on the planet. On top of that, this higher-up at FSTL has the audacity to drop this false equivalency: "We would've done the same for a Biden campaign." Motherfucker, first off, I may not be the biggest fan of Joe Biden, but he would never flaunt a sex criminal in a parking lot twenty feet from 25-cent sex booths. Saying you'd allow Biden into your lot too is like pissing in the wind. Biden didn't ask you, trump did. And so the hypothetical about what you'd say if Biden called you is fucking moot. It didn't happen. It would never happen. But trump's admin really did call you. And you—or someone there—knowingly and willingly said yes.

Over the next few years, there are going to be a lot of people who try to wipe their hands clean. After trump fucks off and dies, many of his former acolytes are going to try to claim that they had nothing to do with it. A lot of people are going to pretend like they didn't willingly participate in the chipping away of our country's democracy. But let us never forget. Let us never forget, and let us never forgive. Four Seasons Total Landscaping cannot escape due scrutiny. They contributed to the absolute farce that is the criminal trump cabal, and no amount of dunking tweets or charity runs should ever mask the facts of that reality. Fuck Four Seasons Total Landscaping.