My Name Is Joe, Nate

HOW HORNY ARE THE SONGS ON MY NAME IS JOE?

"Intro (My Name Is Joe)" — The a cappella "muahs" are gross, and the begging that closes the track is too needy to be sexy. However, we are clearly heading in a tumescent direction. A LITTLE BIT HORNY.

"Somebody Gotta Be on Top" — I mean, there is very little foreplay happening here, we're just getting right to the plowing and stroking on various of floors and in various of positions. I guess we as listeners are to assume foreplay that we have not been privy to, which is perhaps more believable in less Dru Hill-indebted presentations. The big farting bass in the bridge is not particularly sexual, but it is very funny. Also, "we only do it chest-to-chest"? Joe truly is a product of a time in which only two sex positions existed (those positions are "normal" and "a sin against god" and I will say no more on the matter to protect my soul and yours). Still, the measurement is not ability or pleasure, but just how revved up Joe is, and I must sadly come to the conclusion that he is, on this track HORNY AS HELL.

"Stutter" — My assumption here is that the sex-having is so good that it is causing intimate partners to be unable to speak unbroken, but I have made an ass of you and me! Turns out this bitch be cheating! Joe's voice is a little thin and reedy, especially and paradoxically on the self-harmony accents of the end verse lines, but it works as an expression of hurt frustration. This is a pretty good heartbreak song, but it is NOT VERY HORNY AT ALL.

"Table for Two" — I mean, we've got some sex moans going on in the first five seconds, so I almost feel like it's not worth getting into the horny scale on this. Has Joe perhaps only seen pornography and never actually had sex? This is ONE HORNY FUCKIN' SONG, to be sure. The double-time drum is a nice change of pace and a slight elevation of what has been up to this a pretty rote pop-fuck album. Elite delivery of "I want to pleasure you" on this pre-chorus. "Tonight I'm going to eat on you" feels more threatening than sexual, but at least we're not just jumping into the penetration this time out. This is a more responsible presentation of sex, porn panting aside. Is this the best song on My Name is Joe? Only time will tell, but at this point I have to concede, maybe!

"I Wanna Know" — Joe's first foray in the Quiet Storm! I must admit that I am a sucker for this format: slow, sensual, emotional R&B songs about being in love or being heartbroken. The BPMs never get above 100, and the focus is much less Hot Love and more Let Us Discuss How Our Future Will Look When We Are Both in Our 60s After 30 Loving Years of Passionate but Age-Appropriate Matrimony. This shit is conservative as hell. Still, apologies to  "Table for Two," but this is the song that's Gotta Be on Top. However, it must be said: this song is EXTREMELY NOT HORNY. This is a song for grandparents to close-dance to at a wedding. Flaccid and dry, but lovely and sweet.

"Treat Her like a Lady" — This is one for the fellas, and Joe's message to the fellas is "treat your girlfriend well or she will..." Well, it's a little unclear if your woman will leave you, or be taken from you by someone more willing to treat her well. I think the core idea of "be good to your partner" is noble and true, but there is some regressive political thinking at play here that I can't totally make peace with. I do like the grumpy little flutes on the song though. This song is NOT HORNY, but it is VAGUELY THREATENING.

"Get Crunk Tonight" — Crunk! Man, what a moment Crunk was. Lil Jon, Ying Yang Twins, Bone Crusher, Pastor Troy, things of this nature. Knucking if you buck, and so on. This is the most 2000s-sounding of all the production on this thing so far, the most imprisoned in the album's moment. Eminem-ass beat, it sucks. "I want to kiss you on your private spot and I hope you do the same?" Gross, Joe. Joe's frustrated! This girl has been talking a big game, but he's sick of talk! He wants to fuck! He wants to crunk! He's ready to knuck! He's feeling buck! "I want to kiss your lips / the ones below your hips." Joe, jesus! No wonder this woman has some hesitation about taking the relationship to the next level, you're talking to her like you're a sophomore at summer camp. This song is SO HORNY THAT JOE CANNOT STAND IT ANYMORE.

"Knuck If You Buck" by Crime Mob — This is not a song off of My Name Is Joe, this is just a little interlude for me to listen to "Knuck If You Buck." Goddamn this song is E X C I T I N G. I don't think it raises to "Ante Up" or "Run That" heights in terms of getting me ready to fight someone, but it gets pretty damn close. Lil Scrappy really goes hog wild on this song, feels very welcome compared to the relatively laconic delivery from the gentlemen of Crime Mob. I need to get involved in some kind of out-of-shape, over-35 combat sports league so I can use this as my walk-out music. Crime Mob! KNUCK IF YOU BUCK.

"5 6 3 (Joe)" — Very difficult to come back to Joe after spending some time with the Crime Mob. Wish that I were still knucking. Anyway, this song is MEDIUM HORNY and maximum boring. It does remind me of the part of Clueless where Brittany Murphy says "rolling with the homies," and I do not say that in favor of the track. "So exotic, so erotic... let's make love underneath my waterfall." Sure, Joe, sure.

"Peep Show" — Albums used to have to be long to justify their CD sales. But I could do with less Joe. "Sexing you," that's a phrase that our society has moved away from that we should return to. Very funny way to talk about porking. This here might be THE HORNIEST SONG ON THE ALBUM, so horny we are unplugging the phone, which is a frankly reckless level of wanting to have sex. Something that this album understands is that wanting to have sex and being sexy are not the same thing, and there is very little nobility in being taken by lust. Or perhaps this is my repression talking. No way to know, I've unplugged my phone and cannot be reached. Also, can it really be a peep show if you're naked? Feel like the "peep" implies that the nudity is fleeting. Being nude, it's really all just out there.

"One Life Stand" — This is HORNY, BUT IN A MARRIED WAY. Joe, you want the whole world to know you're moaning? Brother, take a shower.

"I Believe in You" — This is a middle-school dance / couples skate roller rink song, and while those settings can foster a proto-horniness, this is NOT AN ESPECIALLY HORNY SONG. I don't really buy Joe as a sex-haver, but as a hammy crooner he does kick a little bit of ass. This is basically "I Believe I Can Fly" without the obvious glaring issues.

"So Beautiful" — This song is HORNY, BUT GROSS. This shit sounds like the novel Lolita. These are all Joe's bad lyrical decisions compressed into one unappealing tome. That said, this musical arrangement is the one I would most personally like to have sex to. I like those "beeeyooos" and the Sonic the Hedgehog synths. Needs less Joe.

You know what? That's enough. Final rating: PRETTY HORNY. It's not wall-to-wall fluids, but the songs that are about having sex are all the way about having sex.