Grannies Gone Wild #75

Joe has watched "Grannies Gone Wild" 67 times so far this summer. Watch the episode HERE.

Two months in, one to go. At this juncture, I thought it would be fun to do an AMA on Reddit, to let the many, many Grannies Gone Wild fans ask any burning questions they've had during this long arduous road toward Reba nirvana. It was a rousing success. Hundreds, maybe even thousands, of questions came pouring in, it was almost overwhelming. I was all too happy to stay on the site for hours to answer everyone, though.

For today on the blog, I've copied and pasted the top 20 questions in the AMA thread, along with my answers. Don't think you've missed out on the fun, though! Feel free to ask any Grannies Gone Wild-related questions in the comments below!!

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FrankieBitNut: Can you recite the episode word for word?

PoYB: Pretty much! About a week ago I tried to rewrite the script from memory. Got most of it! I couldn't remember the exact wording of the final Cheyenne/Van fight, mostly because I find that while scene excruciatingly bad and zone out a lot.

FrankieBitNut: That's really impressive! Maybe you can share it with us sometime! I'd love to see it! Thanks for all you do, man!

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karmadarren: did you ever find it so boring

PoYB: So boring that I started to make up back stories for all the extras. Did you know Errol Flynn's widow plays the lady at the retirement home?

karmadarren: damn, didn't errol flynn rape two teenagers?

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DidntDiddydoit: Do you see any of yourself in Van?

PoYB: Great question. I feel like Van represents the worst in all of us, right? All our petty insecurities are manifested in this sweater-vested manchild. If you've ever feared being left out, then you know Van.

DidntDiddydoit: lol fuck Van

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OMegaLiquidX: I can't tell, do you like "I'm a Survivor" sincerely or ironically?

PoYB: Sincerely. Have you ever listened to the actual full version? I don't know if it's because I've heard the sitcom version almost 100 times at this point, but the serious version, about courage and stamina and whatnot, feels legitimately epic. The only thing that feels weird about it is that it was a new single on Reba's third greatest hits compilation, and that compilation came out years before the sitcom. So that means that Reba McEntire is a lot older than I picture her in 2005. Oh! And I should mention that the original version also has a different lyric than the TV theme song version. Original: "A single mom who works two jobs..." TV: "A single mom who works too hard." I understand the change—Reba Hart isn't working two jobs—but I never liked the new lyrics—she's not really working too hard, because she doesn't appear to be working at all.

OMegaLiquidX: "Fancy" is better.

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jmp397: best beer to drink while watching ggw?

PoYB: Good question. I actually haven't had a beer during a "Grannies Gone Wild" session in a while, maybe ever. That's because I usually watch it early in the morning, before the rest of my family is up. I don't want to bother anyone with excessive viewings of Reba. But hypothetically? Gotta be a Shiner, right?

jmp397: what about weed

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rfreemore: wtf is up with Eric?

PoYB: the catatonic juror?

bigmac80: Not OP, but I was wondering the same thing

PoYB: Catatonia is a real thing. It's sometimes caused by schizophrenia. Don't you get it? Nothing gets you disqualified as a juror in a Texas courtroom. You can be wide-eyed and unresponsive to all stimuli. You can be a garden gnome. Doesn't matter. The electricity is gonna flow either way.

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Ryans4427: dream crossover episode?

PoYB: Probably The Office? If only because having the Dunder Mifflin crew visit "Grannies Gone Wild" would get the widest range of television viewers to tune in. Picture it. Michael cooks egg whites and plain wheat toast and burns his foot. Stanley does the crossword puzzle while on the jury. Dwight and Van battle it out for the worst TV character of all time. Angela helps Scarlett kidnap the baby. Jim stares directly into the camera when Barbara Jean request a sidebar. Creed sells Jake pills to make him sick on purpose. Cheyenne hits Meredith with her car. Andy gets so upset when his dentist cancels his cavity-filling appointment yet again that he punches a hole through the wall. Elder Care Worker buys paper.

Ryans4427: I like Parks and Rec better

PoYB: nah fuck that show

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daughtcam68: Don't you find it questionable that one of your bits is that Scarlett (the character) is like this evil criminal who stole a kid, but in real life, Scarlett (the actress and real human being) is not in the episode because she was struggling with anorexia? Why don't you use your platform to draw attention to this very real concern?

PoYB: I don't understand why I can't have it both ways. Sure, it would be great to raise awareness regarding eating disorders, and maybe donate some money to a charitable organization or something. But also, the conceit of this project is to consider only what information we have from "Grannies Gone Wild." Had Brock mentioned that his daughter was hospitalized, then we would've gone from there. But he doesn't. No one mentions her at all, and yet clearly she exists, based on the credits. I don't think it's wrong of me to make assumptions. We're building an illusion here. Let's not shatter it until Labor Day.

daughtcam68: wow great point I now fully trust you and frankly love you and everything you do

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Tattered_REason: How far do you go in building the "Grannies Gone Wild" world? Like, do you know everyone's backstory? Do you name unseen family members? Do you make up social security numbers? That kind of thing?

PoYB: Yes, yes, and yes. Vanessa is a stripper, Brock's second cousin is named Clint, and Jake's SS# is 043-78-2866, respectively.

Tattered_REason: Good to know, thanks. I wonder what Clint is up to now.

PoYB: That'll be tomorrow's blog post.

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jas98mc7: wuld u rather fight 100 jake-sized vans, or 1 van-sized jake

PoYB: feels like i'm gonna get sodomized either way

jas98mc7: fuck you, take my upvote, r/angryupvote

PoYB: I've always hated this type of redditspeak, by the way.

jas98mc7: rip inbox

PoYB: please stop

jas98mc7: no. EDIT: thanks for the gold, kind stranger!

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MeditatingLemur: what's better, Junior Mint or Jujyfruit?

PoYB: I've never had Jujyfruit, and I despise any chocolate/mint combo, so my answer is Sno-Caps.

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MusherMagoo00: Do you ever think about what Florence, Ida, Lady, and Lady look like in regular senior citizen clothing and minus the wigs and makeup?

PoYB: All the time. I sincerely cannot picture it. I feel like one day I'm going to see the actress who plays Florence as an extra in the background of some random fucking 2005 movie like The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl 3-D or some shit and my mind is going to be fucking BLOWN that she looks SO DIFFERENT.

MusherMagoo00: But wait, are Florence and Lady #1 twins in real life?

PoYB: Wig Rule states that they are sisters, so maybe.

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xlinkedxf: Are there any characters in "Grannies Gone Wild" that you don't plan on writing about?

PoYB: I'm open to the idea of writing about any of the dozens of characters that appear in this episode of television, but I'm also realistic in that not everyone has a story to tell, ya know? Like, take this courtroom lady for instance. Not much to say about her. Normal mother of two. Loving husband. Mostly a stay-at-home mom, occasionally freelances for the local newspaper though. Her name is Barbara, which I guess theoretically could cause some hijinks if she ever interacted with the similarly-named Barbara Jean, but that will never happen. Barbara Jean is just "that crazy lady who almost mistrialed that capital punishment gnome thing" in Barbara's mind. Ron and Bron removed her from the courtroom and also from Barbara's life, pretty much. And it's not even like Barbara was chosen for the jury. She was dismissed for extremely normal reasons. Not much else to tell you.

xlinkedxf: yeah but do we know her social security number?

PoYB: Sure. It's 334-02-2984.

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Skyrah11: Who has a hotter wife, Steve Howey or Christopher Rich? And what characters would they play if the were in "Grannies Gone Wild"?

PoYB: Tough to say. Though I guess Eva Halina Rich wins on a technicality, since Sarah Shahi divorced Steve Howey last year, and so Howey doesn't have a wife at all. Did I mention that on the blog already? Wasn't there some thing with the Howeys' nanny quitting because Shahi showed her a picture of Zach Braff's penis? ANYWAY, if Shahi and Halina Rich were in "Grannies Gone Wild," I think it would be really funny if they played the parts of Florence and Ida. It would be like, "holy shit, Cheyenne you are really good at dollying up old ladies" which would be a good joke (sort of a reverse Jake-into-Alfred bit), but would also completely change the course of the episode. Van wouldn't be able to say that the idea is "insane" because Cheyenne was able to take an old lady and make her look like a supermodel, right?

yellochocoas: No love for Mitch Holleman's wife?

PoYB: She's not a "celebrity," per se, so there aren't many pictures of her out there, so that felt creepy, not even mentioning the fact that she was probably like nine years old in 2005. And finally, if we're talking about "hotness," then it's hard to talk about it around Jake, who, as we've established many times over, has a fever of 120 degrees.

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zazzlekdazzle: have YOU ever owned a sweater vest?!

PoYB: yes

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ashe_quinn: marry/fuck/kill: Joyce, Nadine, Sylvia

PoYB: marry Nadine, fuck Sylvia, kill Joyce

ashe_quinn: marry/fuck/kill: Barry, Vince, Murph

PoYB: marry Murph, fuck Barry, kill Vince

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MonsterBACK8: Have you ever thought about the impact of a family dog for the Hart family?

PoYB: All the time. I have strong opinions about dogs in the home. I am anti-dog. I've had multiple immediate family members mauled by family dogs. So do I want a violent animal roaming around Reba's kitchen with Van Jr. right there? Absolutely not. Scarlett might even be justified in the kidnapping if there was a dog there. Plus, let's not even consider how many times Van Sr. would be sneezing on Reba's breakfast with all that dog hair all over the place.

MonsterBACK8: what about a cat

PoYB: no

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FlyLo21: Did you and Sunny ever find this guy in the first courtroom scene?

PoYB: Sure did. 

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Meh_Turkey_Sandwich: Yes, I have a question. How do you sleep at night?

PoYB: Poorly. I can't stop having nightmares about being murdered by the state for stealing a lawn ornament.

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VanFan69: Can you name one good thing about Van Montgomery? The constant hate is a little too much sometimes.

PoYB: Okay, look, the guy is going out of his way to cook breakfast for his mother-in-law. Yes, he's a moron about it, but it's the thought that counts, right? Especially because it seems like such a thankless job. Reba literally does not say thank you. "Are you ready for a healthy breakfast that I woke up early to make especially for you?" receives barely an acknowledgment from Reba Hart. She just keeps reading the paper! 

RebaFan69: What, she's just supposed to grovel at this dude's feet for making a shitty breakfast and dumping it down the drain? Get real. Reba is letting this idiot live at her house rent-free, and how does he repay her? By being the slimiest piece of shit asshole toward her oldest daughter and getting angry-drunk and oh yeah occasionally making a breakfast for her that consists of prepackaged donuts?

PoYB: Fair points. Fuck Van.

VanFan69: But you haven't seen the rest of the series. There is character development that you're missing.

PoYB: That's the point though, right? That I am purposefully forgoing that character development? Even if the other 126 episodes of Reba consist of Van Montgomery performing Mother Teresa-levels of kindness (minus the secret deathbed baptisms), then that would just mean that the writers and editors and actors and producers of "Grannies Gone Wild" fucked up and did a shitty job. If there's character development, then what was "Grannies Gone Wild"? No character development there. If this is a shitty episode, then I say let it be the canary in the coal mine. That canary is squawking. There is carbon monoxide all over the TV series Reba.

JakeFan69: Can I just say—

PoYB: No.