Grannies Gone Wild #60

Joe has watched "Grannies Gone Wild" 54 times so far this summer. Watch the episode HERE.

The "C" in this transcription is "Counselor," i.e. a school counselor at River Oaks High School. "C" is not Cheyenne. She isn't in this scene. Neither is Carl. (Though both are mentioned at one point or another.) Counselor has "C" for an abbreviation because we don't know his name. This scene is third person limited from Van's perspective, mostly, and Van doesn't give a fuck enough about anything to know his own counselor's name. Hence "C" and not, like, "J" for Josh or something. We might never know the counselor's name. That's not how this summer is gonna work. We know what we choose to know. Knowing anything from counselor's perspective would ruin the stake we have in "Grannies Gone Wild" specifically. Counselor does not physically exist in "Grannies Gone Wild," though he hangs over the preceedings like a ghost. This whole goddamn scene happens in 2000. Five years before Van makes breakfast for his MIL and then threatens to implode his marriage. About one year before he decides to forgo a condom purchase and still have sex with the head cheerleader behind the bleachers. Four and a half years before the child created behind those bleachers is kidnapped while Cheyenne is in a night class for a soon-to-be failed dentistry degree and Van is passed out drunk. 21 years before Reba Hart dies from frostbite in the 2021 Texas Freeze. Etc. etc.

C: Van, I know you don't want to be here. It's okay. We're just here to chat.

V: I'm fifteen years old. I don't think I need to see a therapist.

C: And yet the school disciplinarian seems to think otherwise.

V: What? Why?

C: I think you know why.

V: What, because I beat up some nerd?

C: Van. he has a name. It was Carl. You beat up Carl. And he's only two years old than you.

V: Yeah, but he looks at least 20 years older.

C: Is that a problem?

V: I just don't like people who look a lot older than me.

C: Why is that? What's wrong with looking older?

V: I don't know.

C: Van, you can speak to me. It's okay.

V: It's just...

C: It's just...?

V: It's just, there was an incident with my grandma.

C: Go on.

V: And one of her... suitors...

C: "Suitors"?

V: One of the johns she used to have sex with, okay?

C: I see.

V: You see?!

C: No judgment. That must have been hard.

V: You're damn right it was hard! Having to hear my grandma who raised me have sex with anonymous guys!

C: And this upsets you because this is your grandma.

V: Um, yeah! It was gross!

C: I see in your file that your parents weren't around.

V: They died when I was like three.

C: And your grandma raised you.

V: Yeah. I love my grandma, but it was pretty clear to everyone what she was doing for an income.

C: You're saying that this is why you beat up Carl?

V: I don't know.

C: What I'm hearing is that you beat up Carl because he looked "old," and then you're also saying that you hold an ill will against your elderly caretaker from your early youth because she was wonton about her having sex for money.

V: Okay.

C: Have you make that connection or what?

V: I don't know. I'm fifteen years old for christ's sake.

C: Fair enough. But you can see my concern.

V: That I hate old people?

C: No! That you beat up an innocent high school senior for no reason!

V: But you don't know the extent of the story with my grandma.

C: Enlighten me.

V: One time, I was like five years old, and I'm chilling in the rec room, and my grandma comes downstairs and introduces me to one of her johns. Disgusting. Some old wrinkly dude. He says his name is "Care Worker." What the fuck kinda name is that? Must've been a fake. But he's going on and on about how he has a son who's only a few years old than me, and how he also named his son "Care Worker," how it was some family tradition to name all the males in the family "Care Worker," like, last name "Worker," first name "Care," what the fuck is that about? And so he's telling me, right before he has sex with my grandma, that his own parents had died recently, and that he had recently taken the mantle as the Elder Care Worker, ya know, the oldest "Care Worker" in the family, and that some day his son would take the mantle as well, but for now his son, Care Worker IX, was just "Younger Care Worker," and it seemed like he would rue the day that he would become the Elder, but of course that day wasn't for a long long time hopefully. And then this guy goes and fucks my grandma. And you can hear it pretty clearly! This was my life!!!

C: That must have been pretty difficult.

V: Yes and no. It happened all the time. Doesn't mean I ever got used to it.

C: Look, I get where you're coming from. It sounds like a difficult childhood.

V: uh DURH!!!!! [audience laughter]

C: But you must have something positive in your life right now, no? Something you can hold onto?

V: Sure.

C: Tell me about it.

V: There's a girl.

C: Oh yeah?

V: Yeah. She's a hottie. Head cheerleader. Hot and ditzy.

C: And she likes you?

V: Yes, we're in love. We're probably going to have babies, but hopefully not for like fifteen more years. She supports me, and I support her. I just want her to be happy, and she wants me to be happy. That's the bottom line.

C: That's great.

V: Thanks. Yeah, I mean, I can't believe I'm telling you this, because I'm QB1 and my reputation is on the line, but I'm a virgin.

C: Well, as long as you know that it doesn't matter the context, unprotected sex can always result in pregnancy.

V: [not paying attention] what's that

C: Anyway, is there anything else you'd like to talk about?

V: Weren't we talking about Carl?

C: Right. Are you going to apologize to Carl?

V: No.

C: Excuse me?

V: No, he looks old. I hate him.

C: He looks like a stand-up citizen to me. The type of man who would gladly take part in a capital punishment trial as a member of the jury.

V: I have no idea what you're talking about.

C: Sorry, I'm just speculating.

V: And I'm sitting here drinking a beer.

C: In my office?

V: What, we're in Texas, right?

C: But what if your girlfriend is an alcoholic?

V: So what? The label is ripped off. And it's just one.

C: Still, we're in school. This isn't okay. I'm going to have to inform the principal about this.

V: What?!

C: Cmon, you should've known you can't drink a BEER in the COUNSELOR'S OFFICE. Right?

V: Baloney!

C: Did you just cough "baloney"?

V: I'm storming off!

C: Then you'll be suspended.

V: A lot you know! I'm not storming off! You can't do this!

C: I'm sorry. Look... we're going to have to talk about some other time. I have to go.

V: Am I suspended?

C: I'll think about it.

V: Are you serious?

C: Goodbye Van.

V: Are you storming off now? You storm off like a girl!!!!

C: That isn't very helpful. Goodbye.

[Van waits a few minutes, and then peers out the window. He sees Counselor get into his car. The car is a 1973 teal Ford Pinto, and the muffler backfires as the car slowly rolls out of the parking lot, while fifteen-year-old Van cries and contemplates his future. He never interacts with a school counselor for the rest of his life.]