Look, there's more to say about this subject. I know, I'm beating a dead horse. But my kids are still watching it (though thankfully at a much slower clip, since they are really into Moana right now for whatever reason—actually, that should probably be another blog post), and I feel like now, soberly, I should clarify a few more of the aspects of Bl*ppi that I actively despise. Last time, I asked you to take me at my word. This time, I want to be specific.
I do want to reiterate an important point from last time, though—all this shit stays between us. You're being irresponsible if you talk shit on your kids' favorite art right in front of said kids. This past Sunday, I was at a birthday party, and a handful of Willow's adult family members were dissing Bl*ppi, right in front of her. I don't know if she was listening (she was too preoccupied with being rightfully afraid of a dog who had just bitten her cousin's nose off 24 hours earlier), but still. I refuse to make my child feel small for what she enjoys. I defended Bl*ppi for her sake, and I'll fucking do it again if I have to. Fuck Bl*ppi, but also more fuck to anyone who makes my kids feel like assholes, you feel me?
So here is out secret list. Five reasons I hate Bl*ppi. If you ask me in person, though, I'll deny everything, and say that I love Bl*ppi just as much as Willow and Martha love B***pi.
Top Five Reasons I Hate Bl*ppi
5. He does that thing where he's winking toward his adult audience by dropping in movie quotes from adult movies into his skits. My daughter has said "I'm the king of the world!" without knowing what Titanic is. She thinks it's really funny when someone sprays ketchup and mustard onto their tongues after eating something spicy, even though she's never seen Dumb and Dumber. These aren't clever enough to warrant inclusion in a B****i episode, and yet they are there anyway, proving that B****i is created by a secret frat bro.
4. He also makes more subtle allusions to pornography. B****i knew exactly what he was doing when he started an episode acting the part of a plumber, knocking on his real-life buxom girlfriend's apartment door, promising to "clear her pipes." Get the fuck out of here with that corny bullshit on children's television. Jesus fucking christ.
3. The dude has a machine fetish that I feel is a little over the top for a children's program that my kids enjoy. I don't need to see 70 episodes where B****i shows off his goddamn sports cars. Yes, the actor who portrays B****i is rich enough to afford these things; to include these unnecessary vanity machines in a kids' TV episode is irresponsible at best, and vomit-inducing at worst.
2. B****i runs rampant with the copaganda. I've seen multiple episodes in which B****i stops the playtime cold in order to lecture the child audience that "police at there to protect you." White privilege in its purest form. If B****i was black, then he'd already be dead. You think the police are going to see a black man playing in the ballpit at a children's play place and not murder him? "This shooting was justified, we thought his orange bowtie was a gun."
1. B****i has mispronounced the names of dinosaurs on multiple occasions. Dude, if you're going to fashion entire episodes around dinosaurs, maybe you can at least say the names correctly? I've heard diplodocus pronounced "DIP-lo-DOCK-us," when it's actually "di-PLOC-uh-dus." I've heard corythosaurus pronounced "CORY-tho-SAUR-us," when it's actually "cuh-RYTH-oh-SAUR-us." I don't give a fuck about dinosaurs, but if you're going to task yourself with teaching my daughter about dinosaurs, get it fucking right, brah. I'm ashamed for everyone involved when ever I hear my daughter mispronounce "diplodocus." FUCK.
Honorable mention: B****i has a clear disdain for children. Whenever he's in the playground with actual children, the annoyance is palpable. The dude fucking hates kids, and is profiting off them. Look, I get it—when we have W and M at the playground, I get annoyed at the other kids too. But let's not pretend that I have the same obligations that B****i does. This is a man who is acting like a child. You'd think he'd at least be able to pretend that he enjoys hanging out with "other" children without sticking his nose up. Fuck B****i.
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