STARBUCKS: A Play in One Act
ACT I, SCENE I
[It’s 7:00 AM on a weekday morning. The lights slowly rise on set; we first see the walls, exposed brick, medium-sized paintings of modern art, with basic colors, pleasing to the eye. Light drifts slowly down the walls to the floor, where rows of tables are set up. At the only occupied table on center stage sits IMAGINARY FRIEND. He has a clear plastic cup of a milky-white liquid. The cup is dripping with perspiration. From stage left comes JOE, a late-20s bearded man, who by the looks of it was skinny at one point but is beginning to fill out. JOE crosses toward the low black-wooded table, and takes a seat.]
JOE: What the fuck are we doing at a Starbucks?
IMAGINARY FRIEND: Well, Joey, it’s a new day, and that means you gotta do something new, so here we are. A Starbucks.
JOE: But I’ve been to a Starbucks before, haven’t I?
IMAGINARY FRIEND: Sure, to use the bathroom a few times. Maybe to meet a bourgeois friend from high school back when you went to school in the suburbs. There was that one time you had a gift card and used to it buy a few waters and stave off a common hangover. But you’ve never had... one of these.
[the lights dramatically focus on the drink in IMAGINARY FRIEND‘s hand]
JOE: A Caramel Frappuccino®.
IMAGINARY FRIEND: Indeed. Don’t forget to include the "®" when you are transcribing this conversation!
[lights briefly illuminate stage right, where we see BARISTA, holding an identical drink]
BARISTA: Joe!
[JOE gets up to grab the drink, and the lights on stage right fade as JOE walks back to his table at stage center]
JOE: That was quick.
IMAGINARY FRIEND: One might even say that it was a dramatic smash cut that took full advantage of the fact that this is a fictionalized stage production of your morning.
JOE: Nah bro, I used the Starbucks® App to order before I got here.
IMAGINARY FRIEND: #lol
JOE: Okay, let’s try this thing. A Caramel Frappuccino®. You should know right off the bat that there is little chance I will like this thing. I fucking hate coffee. I hate the taste of it and I always have.
IMAGINARY FRIEND: Yeah, but, like, this thing is mostly sugar and syrup. It’s what people drink when they wanna be cool and drink a caffeinated drink without actually drinking a coffee. It’s trendy.
JOE [taking a scoop off the top]: Okay, so I took a bit off the top of this sundae-looking thing. It’s all whipped cream and caramel topping. Is this supposed to be a coffee?
IMAGINARY FRIEND: Like I said—no, it’s not. It’s dessert for breakfast, basically.
JOE: Do people even order regular black coffees at Starbucks? It seems like there’s a lot of bullshit up there on the menu board. It’s cliché at this point to joke about the myriad of options at a coffee shop, I’m not going to attempt to find a fresh take on it during this conversation. I’m still curious, though, after all these years, what exactly the appeal of a place like Starbucks is?
IMAGINARY FRIEND: Bro, did you taste any more of your drink? It tastes pretty good. On top of that, it’s addictive. Like, literally addictive. People come to Starbucks every morning to get their fix. The appeal is that we are slaves to the machine when we come here.
JOE: Okay, but… yeah I mean this shit is pretty damn good.
IMAGINARY FRIEND: It really fucking is.
JOE: Say, what other flavors of drink does Starbucks feature?
[From stage left enters STARBUCKS CEO KEVIN JOHNSON. He pauses about five feet stage center. From there, STARBUCKS CEO KEVIN JOHNSON turns and breaks the fourth wall, facing the audience. He smiles widely and begins to speak in a somewhat rehearsed tone.]
STARBUCKS CEO KEVIN JOHNSON: I’m glad you asked, Joe. Good evening, folks. My name is Starbucks CEO Kevin Johnson, and I’m here to talk to you about some exciting new products in our Starbucks lineup. We’re just thrilled to announce our new "Flavor of Summer." Introducing, the new Midnight Mint Mocha Frappuccino® Blended Beverage, which swirls extra dark cocoa with Frappuccino® Roast coffee, milk, ice, and cooling mint sugar crystals, and is cut with a layer of whipped cream. It’s topped with more whipped cream and a dark cocoa dusting. It’s bold, rich and refreshing! And don’t forget about our Protein Boxes®: two cage-free eggs and a full cup of fruit with multigrain muesli bread and honey peanut-butter spread. Now with two eggs and more apple! Perfect for that gluten-free friend!
JOE: Yeah, okay, but there’s no way any of this is good for you, right?
[STARBUCKS CEO KEVIN JOHNSON takes a beat, then clears his throat, another beat, then exits stage left]
IMAGINARY FRIEND: That's okay, I can answer for him. No, it’s not good for you. It’s not good to put so much sugar in your body so early in the morning. 66 fucking grams in one serving! And that’s a small!
[STARBUCKS CEO KEVIN JOHNSON peeks his head around the corner stage left]
STARBUCKS CEO KEVIN JOHNSON: Actually, we call that size a "tall."
JOE: Shut the fuck up Starbucks CEO Kevin Johnson, the music playing this store sucks dick!
[STARBUCKS CEO KEVIN JOHNSON retreats back around the corner]
IMAGINARY FRIEND: Honestly, I think you are just afraid of appearing "trendy," and that’s why you’re using this health thing as an excuse to avoid Starbucks in the future. How come the pork roll Sizzlis you get some mornings don’t receive the same scrutiny from Dr. Joe?
JOE: Maybe you’re right, but is that so bad? I’m not lying when I say they aren’t good for me. And I sincerely don’t want to be here. This isn’t my style.
IMAGINARY FRIEND: That’s fucking lame, dude. You care too much about people’s perceptions of you.
JOE: I’d be offended by that if you were an actual person saying it, and not just a manifestation of my own insecurities.
IMAGINARY FRIEND: I guess at the end of the day I just don’t understand why you are even here? Do you really see yourself getting life experience from this? Is it worth it, to do something you hate just to say you did it? Is ANY of this worth it? All you’re doing is putting your money in a corporation’s pocket. And for what? For the opportunity to write some snarky words about it on your fucking blog?
JOE: That’s probably it. And I do honestly get it. I get how cheap that fucking sounds. All I’m doing is drinking fucking caramel-flavored sugar water, and somehow I’m classifying it as "living life to the fullest." It’s a fucking joke. I’ll try to make my case by writing on a blog that no one reads (and for good reason). I’ll probably try to write a lot of words, empty words, fluff, because that’s what I do, write a lot about very little. And none of it means anything. I’ll probably even try to write it in some tawdry framing device, like a fake stage play.
IMAGINARY FRIEND: Well, we can always try again tomorrow, maybe make something more meaningful of your summer. It’ll be a new day, let’s find something new and exciting and fucking IMPORTANT.
JOE: Nah, I’m just gonna wear a pair of Pam’s panties to work.
[JOE rises from the table, and walks downstage. The lights dim all around him, but a spotlight finds him and follows him downstage as he breaks the fourth wall and addresses the audience.]
JOE: Love, Joey
ACT I, SCENE I
[It’s 7:00 AM on a weekday morning. The lights slowly rise on set; we first see the walls, exposed brick, medium-sized paintings of modern art, with basic colors, pleasing to the eye. Light drifts slowly down the walls to the floor, where rows of tables are set up. At the only occupied table on center stage sits IMAGINARY FRIEND. He has a clear plastic cup of a milky-white liquid. The cup is dripping with perspiration. From stage left comes JOE, a late-20s bearded man, who by the looks of it was skinny at one point but is beginning to fill out. JOE crosses toward the low black-wooded table, and takes a seat.]
JOE: What the fuck are we doing at a Starbucks?
IMAGINARY FRIEND: Well, Joey, it’s a new day, and that means you gotta do something new, so here we are. A Starbucks.
JOE: But I’ve been to a Starbucks before, haven’t I?
IMAGINARY FRIEND: Sure, to use the bathroom a few times. Maybe to meet a bourgeois friend from high school back when you went to school in the suburbs. There was that one time you had a gift card and used to it buy a few waters and stave off a common hangover. But you’ve never had... one of these.
[the lights dramatically focus on the drink in IMAGINARY FRIEND‘s hand]
JOE: A Caramel Frappuccino®.
IMAGINARY FRIEND: Indeed. Don’t forget to include the "®" when you are transcribing this conversation!
[lights briefly illuminate stage right, where we see BARISTA, holding an identical drink]
BARISTA: Joe!
[JOE gets up to grab the drink, and the lights on stage right fade as JOE walks back to his table at stage center]
JOE: That was quick.
IMAGINARY FRIEND: One might even say that it was a dramatic smash cut that took full advantage of the fact that this is a fictionalized stage production of your morning.
JOE: Nah bro, I used the Starbucks® App to order before I got here.
IMAGINARY FRIEND: #lol
JOE: Okay, let’s try this thing. A Caramel Frappuccino®. You should know right off the bat that there is little chance I will like this thing. I fucking hate coffee. I hate the taste of it and I always have.
IMAGINARY FRIEND: Yeah, but, like, this thing is mostly sugar and syrup. It’s what people drink when they wanna be cool and drink a caffeinated drink without actually drinking a coffee. It’s trendy.
JOE [taking a scoop off the top]: Okay, so I took a bit off the top of this sundae-looking thing. It’s all whipped cream and caramel topping. Is this supposed to be a coffee?
IMAGINARY FRIEND: Like I said—no, it’s not. It’s dessert for breakfast, basically.
JOE: Do people even order regular black coffees at Starbucks? It seems like there’s a lot of bullshit up there on the menu board. It’s cliché at this point to joke about the myriad of options at a coffee shop, I’m not going to attempt to find a fresh take on it during this conversation. I’m still curious, though, after all these years, what exactly the appeal of a place like Starbucks is?
IMAGINARY FRIEND: Bro, did you taste any more of your drink? It tastes pretty good. On top of that, it’s addictive. Like, literally addictive. People come to Starbucks every morning to get their fix. The appeal is that we are slaves to the machine when we come here.
JOE: Okay, but… yeah I mean this shit is pretty damn good.
IMAGINARY FRIEND: It really fucking is.
JOE: Say, what other flavors of drink does Starbucks feature?
[From stage left enters STARBUCKS CEO KEVIN JOHNSON. He pauses about five feet stage center. From there, STARBUCKS CEO KEVIN JOHNSON turns and breaks the fourth wall, facing the audience. He smiles widely and begins to speak in a somewhat rehearsed tone.]
STARBUCKS CEO KEVIN JOHNSON: I’m glad you asked, Joe. Good evening, folks. My name is Starbucks CEO Kevin Johnson, and I’m here to talk to you about some exciting new products in our Starbucks lineup. We’re just thrilled to announce our new "Flavor of Summer." Introducing, the new Midnight Mint Mocha Frappuccino® Blended Beverage, which swirls extra dark cocoa with Frappuccino® Roast coffee, milk, ice, and cooling mint sugar crystals, and is cut with a layer of whipped cream. It’s topped with more whipped cream and a dark cocoa dusting. It’s bold, rich and refreshing! And don’t forget about our Protein Boxes®: two cage-free eggs and a full cup of fruit with multigrain muesli bread and honey peanut-butter spread. Now with two eggs and more apple! Perfect for that gluten-free friend!
JOE: Yeah, okay, but there’s no way any of this is good for you, right?
[STARBUCKS CEO KEVIN JOHNSON takes a beat, then clears his throat, another beat, then exits stage left]
IMAGINARY FRIEND: That's okay, I can answer for him. No, it’s not good for you. It’s not good to put so much sugar in your body so early in the morning. 66 fucking grams in one serving! And that’s a small!
[STARBUCKS CEO KEVIN JOHNSON peeks his head around the corner stage left]
STARBUCKS CEO KEVIN JOHNSON: Actually, we call that size a "tall."
JOE: Shut the fuck up Starbucks CEO Kevin Johnson, the music playing this store sucks dick!
[STARBUCKS CEO KEVIN JOHNSON retreats back around the corner]
IMAGINARY FRIEND: Honestly, I think you are just afraid of appearing "trendy," and that’s why you’re using this health thing as an excuse to avoid Starbucks in the future. How come the pork roll Sizzlis you get some mornings don’t receive the same scrutiny from Dr. Joe?
JOE: Maybe you’re right, but is that so bad? I’m not lying when I say they aren’t good for me. And I sincerely don’t want to be here. This isn’t my style.
IMAGINARY FRIEND: That’s fucking lame, dude. You care too much about people’s perceptions of you.
JOE: I’d be offended by that if you were an actual person saying it, and not just a manifestation of my own insecurities.
IMAGINARY FRIEND: I guess at the end of the day I just don’t understand why you are even here? Do you really see yourself getting life experience from this? Is it worth it, to do something you hate just to say you did it? Is ANY of this worth it? All you’re doing is putting your money in a corporation’s pocket. And for what? For the opportunity to write some snarky words about it on your fucking blog?
JOE: That’s probably it. And I do honestly get it. I get how cheap that fucking sounds. All I’m doing is drinking fucking caramel-flavored sugar water, and somehow I’m classifying it as "living life to the fullest." It’s a fucking joke. I’ll try to make my case by writing on a blog that no one reads (and for good reason). I’ll probably try to write a lot of words, empty words, fluff, because that’s what I do, write a lot about very little. And none of it means anything. I’ll probably even try to write it in some tawdry framing device, like a fake stage play.
IMAGINARY FRIEND: Well, we can always try again tomorrow, maybe make something more meaningful of your summer. It’ll be a new day, let’s find something new and exciting and fucking IMPORTANT.
JOE: Nah, I’m just gonna wear a pair of Pam’s panties to work.
[JOE rises from the table, and walks downstage. The lights dim all around him, but a spotlight finds him and follows him downstage as he breaks the fourth wall and addresses the audience.]
JOE: Love, Joey
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