One Final Post About Stupid Shit on Facebook

In May of 2008, I was pissed off at Facebook. I have always been pissed off at Facebook, despite the fact that I go on the damn website umpteen times every day. So, in my bitterness and rage, I created a Facebook group (that, frankly, I was eventually proud of):

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I promptly invited all my Facebook friends (maybe around 500 at the time) to join the group. A bunch of them actually accepted the invitation to the group, and people got a kick out of it, but then everyone forgot about it.

Then a weird thing happened. I checked it out the other day, almost by accident, and, I fucking kidding you not, there are 977 people in this group, most of whom I don't know and don't even share any mutual friends with. This is ridiculous!

It's ridiculous for a few reasons. First of all, now instead of good friends posting on the wall, there are morons from the dark corners of the internet writing all kinds of stupid shit. And I love it:

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Secondly, it is ridiculous because it's sad to think how aimless people had to be in their Facebook trolling to happen upon some inane group page. What, did they search for groups with the word "hate"? Did they search for groups with illiterate Australians clogging up the wall? Or did they just search for "Facebook" and this was so popular that it was the first hit? I don't know, and frankly, I don't want to know.

Finally, I find it ridiculous that people care that much about groups anymore, because, as I've come to realize, no one makes or maintains Facebook groups anymore. The general trend has shifted to being "fans" of something. So, instead of joining a group called "Puke on Your Birthday Glorifies Underage Drinking and My School Expelled Me for It," you can just simply say you are a "fan" of Puke on Your Birthday (despite the fact that you would probably be a liar if you did so).

So, when I happened upon this little group, it felt weird. It felt sullied now that people shit all over the wall with idiotic statements such as "This group is a contradiction FTW!" (No one can appreciate intentional irony used for comical purpose anymore.)

But it also felt quaint, because Facebook has moved away from the idea of "groups." So I no longer get mad at groups telling me to "Join because if 1Million do, my grandmom won't die" or "If 3 million join, I won't drop my phone in the toilet bowl while taking a shit anymore." I don't get mad because it doesn't happen. Those groups are toast.

But goddamn it, there's still a lot of little things that piss me off. I know I tend to harp on this crap to the point of nausea sometimes, but it must be said!

—Why must people continuously quote from Texts from Last Night? Yes, we get it, you get drunk, and get into situations that other kids who get drunk also get into. You can relate to kids your age in the things they say. A novel concept!



—What the fuck are these stupid "question and answers" that everyone keeps posting on my wall? Why do the questions insist on being so picayune? And why do people answer them in such an uninspired fashion? I.e. "What is Joe's favorite thing to do?" Answer: "umm, idk."



In addition: Congratulations for being so clever, kids! About 4376 of you felt the need to reference my drinking habits in answering the question. "What would Joe do to increase his study habits?" Answer: "Well, uhh, he'd, uhhh, I dunno, finish a whole case of Natty and then like ten Hurricanes and he, like, wouldn't give a fuck!" So clever. Bravo! Bravo!

—When Facebook came up with the "Notes" application, I bet they were hoping that Facebook could eventually become something of a blogging tool as well. Unfortunately, it's turned into a wasteland of unintelligent surveys. Myspace lives vicariously through Facebook notes. Hell, I wouldn't even mind it if people actually wrote out funny or well-written survey answers, but most of the time it comes out like this:

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I could continue, humble reader. There are countless other things that annoy me on Facebook (how people who you don't even know wish you a happy birthday every fucking year; how increasingly stupid these unnecessary applications can be; how only 23 people are "fans" of PoYB), but I'll stop there.

I'm throwing in the towel because, in the midst of my compiling pictures for this blog post, I was invited to join a group called "See If Someone Is Stalking You" and I just about can't take it anymore.

Questions that you, the humble reader, may answer in the comments section of this blog post:

1) What annoys the fuck out of you on Facebook? Because I'm exhausted just thinking about all the possible answers.
2) Why do we continuously go on Facebook, even though it rots our brains and gives us cancer?
3) WHY THE FUCK IS EVERYONE RESPONDING "MAYBE" FOR MY FACEBOOK EVENT? WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?
4) Hey, remember when Mike had all the PoYB posts published as notes under his profile on Facebook, and at least three people told me how wonderful "Mike's post" about Michael Jackson was? The fuck? I guess his egregious actions could retroactively explain this: