The Valiant Return: PoYB's Top Five Cereals

Sorry, Fruit Brute, you didn't make the cut

No, it's not Tuesday, sorry Bee. I am in the mood for a Top Five though. It's been too long since we've shared our favorite depressing albums and lesbian crushes. Today, since I'm pretty fucking hungry right now, I'm going to do something food related.

Top Five Breakfast Cereal Brands

5. Oreo O's

You'll probably notice that almost all the cereals on my list are incredibly unhealthy for you, so let's start out with the most unhealthy of them all. I used to scoff at my Dad for eating cookies every morning for breakfast, but as I look back, I wasn't much better off. In fact, eating these little chocolate circles was probably ten times worse than eating actual Oreos for an early morning meal. And yet... how I loved them so.

4. Waffle Crisp

Shit, man, these little squares of goodness didn't even taste like waffles. A misleading name should not a tasty breakfast make, but somehow Waffle Crisp pulls it off. No wonder all those little old ladies wanted a bite so badly in those old commercials.

3. Cinnamon Toast Crunch

Wikipedia informs me that Waffle Crisp was created to rival the leading competitor in the niche of breakfast cereals that take hot breakfast foods, shrink them, and make them crispy in cold cereal form. Sorry, Waffle Crisp, Cinnamon Toast Crunch edges you out. Could it be the delicious blend of cinnamon and milk created? Methinks.

2. Cocoa Krispies

I have something to say to Cuckoo the Cocoa Puff Bird: FUCK your Cocoa Puffs. You ain't got SHIT on Cocoa Krispies. I mean really, does your cereal snap, crackle, and pop? I didn't think so. You are always bragging about how you use real Hershey's chocolate. Honestly, I never even liked Hershey's chocolate. Give me that fake processed chocolate any day.

1. Peanut Butter Cap'n Crunch

It brings a tear to my eye thinking about it—God gives over six million adults and children peanut allergies, and I happen to not be one of them. When I was born, God truly smiled upon me. It's amazing to think I've been enjoying the Cap'n for almost twenty years now. Trust me, no special occasion is complete without it. When my dad would wake me up early in the morning for school, I'd be grumpy 'til I sat in front of a fresh bowl of the Crunch. When my mother would go out food shopping for our biannual family vacations, I'd always make sure PBCC was on the shopping list. And on Christmas morning, fuck my presents, I'm getting CRUNCH-A-TIZED. God bless you, Captain Horatio Magellan Crunch. I love you.