This is the 666th entry that I personally have written for this esteemed blog, so I figure this would be as good a time as any to try to contact Satan and bargain with him over my soul.
First, this would probably be a pretty lame experience without something heavy to soundtrack it. So while you're reading, how about you listen to the sweet satanic sounds of Judiciary's newest album, Surface Noise. Yes, I listened to this entire album (a short review of it, along with about 50 other albums, coming next week), and I can tell you that it is safe—Satan will not appear to you from listening to Judiciary alone. This is just to set the mood.
Okay, now that that's taken care of, let's get down to it. We're going to try to communicate with Satan today, and see if he's interested in making a deal.
First, we should probably consider whether Satan is actually real, and the implications if we discover that he is. I personally do not believe in Satan's existence, just like I do not believe in God's existence. If I talk to Satan today, then I promise I will reevaluate my beliefs, but as it stands now, I don't think that Satan is real.
If Satan is real, and I do make a deal with him, then what does that mean for me? It means that I am ultimately doomed to an eternity in hell. Which, okay, is not good! But there are certain advantages to knowing that you are doomed to hell no matter what you do. We saw these advantages in action for a few episodes of The Good Place this past season. ***Spoiler alert*** "Team Cockroach" finds out that they are stuck in "the Bad Place" (i.e. hell) no matter what they do on earth. But instead of spending the rest of their lives on earth making Peeps chili and being miserable, they collectively decide to help as many people as they can with the time that they have left. They commit themselves to getting their friends and family into heaven, even if they themselves are doomed.
So I am imagining some situation in which Satan really does appear to me today when I ask for a face-to-face, and our agreeing to terms that I would live a full and healthy and happy life for now, and then dying and finding myself in eternal damnation for the rest of eternity. I think I would agree to those terms, and here's why.
I feel like I'm probably going to hell anyway. I talk a big game about trying to be a good person, but from everything I've learned in my Catholic upbringing, just "trying" is not enough. You actually have to be a good person, and I don't know if I am one. So why not try to juice the time I have here on earth while I can? If I can get supernatural help in securing a long, happy, fulfilling life, then I will definitely accept my dire fate in the afterlife. And if I can use those remaining happy years to also help some people out, then all the better.
I have to be really cautious about my terms in the agreement, though, because I know Satan is probably going to try to trip me up. I have to come up with a list of demands that he can't monkey-paw and screw me in some way. If Satan appears to me today and asks me the price of my soul, then here are my demands:
- I want to live here on Earth (no restrictions where exactly), in my current body, in a healthy and mobile and conscious and mentally sound condition, until I am two hundred human years old.
- I want to remain financially sound and have my wealth increase each year, but not at the expense of any other living creature (human or otherwise).
- I want to be instilled with the ability to effect positive change in the world, and find no barriers when I act.
I guess the flaw in my logic is that Satan wouldn't agree to these terms, any of them. He wants my soul, but he knows the math too. He knows that if he bought my soul in this way, that he'd lose other souls that were originally destined for him in the process.
But fuck it, we continue. Let's try to contact Satan anyway and hash this out. And if he does appear, and we cannot come to terms, at least I'll know once and for all that Satan exists. And if Satan exists, that means God exists, and if God exists, well then, shit, maybe I should just start living a better life of my own free-will, and try to avoid hell altogether.
Okay, let's do this.
I've done some research on the internet on how to contact Satan, and found a few good tips. World Weekly News, the paramount of responsible journalism, published an article in 2009 citing a book from a Dr. Rex Touth, apparently the expert in dealing with Satan.
According to Dr. Touth, all you have to do is stand, alone, in a room, and state "Satan, I summon you. I have a quality soul to sell if the price is right." The article states that it may take dozens or even hundreds of tries.
I don't know if I have the patience for saying this one hundred times, but I'll say it a few times and hope for the best. I step inside the handicapped bathroom on the second floor of my work building, which typically smells like hell—I consider this an aid in my quest, since I have to imagine Satan, in his evilness, would prefer bathrooms that smell like all my coworkers have already blown their daily fast food intake out the other end.
I didn't yell it, because I don't want to be fired or have any of my peers worry for my mental health, but I say it a few times, softly but clearly. "Satan, I summon you. I have a quality soul to sell if the price is right." Nothing. The lights didn't even flicker.
(Before we move on, this article also helpfully points out that life-extension clauses are certainly on the table, but that I may have low-balled it when I suggest I ask for a 200-year life. It looks like the standard might be 300! Consider me convinced!)
Ranker.com has published a step-by-step guide to selling your soul to the devil, so let's follow this one next, and see if anything happens. (Sidenote: this article apparently has 873K views! That's a lot of lost souls!)
Apparently and unfortunately, I may need to be in the right place to actually meet the devil. The closest mouth to hell, according to this random internet website, is apparently right near York, PA. That's less than two hours away! I thought about hitting the road and checking out Trout Run Road for myself, but then again... I'm not crazy. Selling my soul to the devil? Sure. Driving two hours there and two hours back to do it? Nah buddy. Maybe I can add a teleportation clause in my contract?
The only other option is summoning Satan into my home, and this article again quotes Dr. Touth, who I guess is the ultimate expert on this subject. I'm not going back in that goddamn bathroom again and saying the damn phrase. If Satan wants me, tell him to find me at my desk. I'll warn my cubiclemate, who is currently watching Bright on her Netflix app. I will encourage her viewing habits, if only because surely watching such a shitty movie will encourage Satan to come hither.
Incredibly, the website LegalTemplates.net, among its thousands of legitimate law document templates, has a template for a Soul Sale. I download the document (which takes fucking forever, since my employer decided it would be a good idea to update Microsoft Office without updating my computer hardware in any capacity—let's add a fast computer to the soul contract maybe).
The document appears pretty straightforward. Basically, Satan and I would jointly fill it out the document, and sign it (I would have to use my own blood, probably?), and then the deal would be set. Helpfully, there is also a list of "General Instructions" on the back. Example: did you know that the act of selling your soul can be a tax write-off?
There are a lot of other suggestions here about how to contact the devil, but they seem a little too complicated for my purposes today. Conduct a black mass? Perform a seance? Not really something I'm up to doing here at my work desk.
I suppose this speaks to my shitty level of commitment here. Do I really want to contact Satan? Probably not. Also there's the whole part about him not existing.
I'll probably stop here. This was the dumbest blog post I've ever written. My apologies to all the real satanists out there who get a text about this and ask "Why am I getting texts about this in 2019?" I don't know. I'm sorry for wasting your time.
Satan, please take this blog away from me.
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