no fucking clue

She gradually paced around the room, cold pilsner in hand, holding the beer with both gloved hands, eyes moving across the various knickknacks and archived newspaper clippings that adorned the drab and peeling barroom walls. In an attempt to be a loyal son of Philadelphia, and thinking (erroneously) that she might be a tourist, I put down my novel and inquired: "Find anything interesting?"

Yes, she did, as it turned out. Wide-eyed, using a mouth almost completely devoid of any discernible teeth, she spoke at length about the various conspiracies to which she was privy. She talked about fluoride mind-control like it was an understood fact. She theorized that cell phone towers had a part to play in the government's total control. She spoke of being followed by various unnamed individuals, and seeking revenge on other unnamed individuals for their various misdeeds (mostly involving her being kicked in the shin by the alleged offenders). Her body odor was noticeable but thankfully not overpowering—you can always bathe with water, even if that water is turning the frogs gay.

After assuring her that the acronym'd name of my employer did NOT stand for "Department of Homeland Security," and after explaining that, no, I did not agree with her vaguely racist theories about secret militias, she insisted that I take a list of subjects to research. As you can see, the main source that I need to be exploring is apparently YouTube???

I will have to rely on Wikipedia for this information, since I refuse to watch a video from whatever insane conspiracy theorist made them on my work computer.

• Project MKUltra were a series of unethical "mind control experiments" conducted by the CIA in '50s, '60s, and early '70s, before finally being decommissioned in 1973. In 1977, there was a Senate investigation and hearing on the matter. It is speculated that the "experiments continue under a different name," but I don't see any evidence to that besides some testimony of a few individuals related to the original experiments. I can't find much about any court hearings that allegedly happened in 1979 specifically. It's possible that she just got the year wrong. It's probable that I don't want to dig too far down the rabbit hole for this bullshit.
• Dr. Robert Duncan, as far as I can tell, is an author who writes about mind control by the government. There is no Wikipedia article about him. Instead, I found this GeoCities-esque website from a fan. It reads just as crazy as you'd expect.
• "V2K" apparently refers to the belief that the government can speak to you directly through your brain. Wiki calls it an "auditory hallucination." At first I thought she had written "V25" but I guess it's actually "V2S," meaning "voice-to-skull." Obviously, there is no evidence of this besides the testimony of people who hear voices in their brain.
• (This is off of a Wikipedia offshoot called "Rational Wiki," which is a lot snarkier than the actual Wikipedia, but it was really the only website I felt safe visiting on my work computer, but anyways) weaponized cell towers, or "GWEN towers," are apparently old radio antennas that people believe have been repurposed into mind control devices.
• And H.A.A.R.P. is apparently a facility in Alaska that was originally designed to perform tests in the ionosphere via a tall radio tower. It ran tests regularly from '93 to '13. Some people, including this lady apparently, believe that it can control the weather, and has been used to create hurricanes and monsoons. (And shit, I had no idea that Jesse Ventura was a conspiracy theorist? According to this section of the wiki page, he is.)
• D.A.R.P.A. develops new technology for the military, and I guess some people think that they are developing brain-control technology? I dunno, man, my own brain is starting to hurt looking up all this shit. Where is the evidence?!
• I have to assume "Project Paperclip" is referring to "Operation Paperclip," referring to a program in which the U.S. government would basically steal scientists from the Nazis and make them work to defeat the Russians in the Space Race. This was controversial from an ethical perspective, surely, but I'm struggling to link it to any type of conspiracy theories that would concern our friend. Maybe that the Nazis studied mind-control in the concentration camps and brought that alleged knowledge to the U.S.?
• I've definitely heard of chemtrails before, but I've never actually looked up what this theory refers to. I guess it's simply the trails of smoke out of the back of an aircraft as it goes across the sky? Some people think this has to do with weather control? Why do so many of these theories have to do with changing the weather? I don't get it.
• Fuck Alex Jones.
• "Deep State" I guess is the apex of the conspiracy theories of crazy people. It refers to a "state within a state," i.e. a secret government within the U.S. that is actually controlling things. There is no evidence, of course, but this is a prevalent conspiracy, because it also serves as a handy scapegoat for anything that you don't like about your country. A federal judge just overturned a state's ban on abortions after 20 weeks? The judge must be part of DEEP STATE. It's fucking delusional.
• "Remote Viewing Project" seems to be referring to 1) the idea of "remote viewing," or the psychic power to see things from far distances, and specifically 2) the Stargate Project, a military unit established in the '70s that attempted to determine whether remote viewing was real, and if so, if it could be applied in a military fashion. The project was a failure, obviously, since there is no evidence that remote viewing exists, and it was declassified because there was nothing to hide. But I suppose in some people's eyes, if the military was studying it, then it must be true!
• Finally, we have the fluoride conspiracies, which my McGillin's friend mentioned multiple times during her soliloquy without giving me any details. The vast majority of medical professionals believe that appropriate amounts of fluoride in the water you drink offer medical benefits. Crazy people think it allows the government to control your mind. Besides the fact that their is no evidence of mind control, consider this: I drink at least 150 oz. of Philadelphia water every day, which contains fluoride. My mind would be a prime candidate for being controlled. And yet here I am, considering the possibility of fluoride conspiracies, with my own mind. If my mind was being controlled, would I be writing about this? Wouldn't the government want me to keep my mouth shut?

My response to this (very generic) list of conspiracy theories is flippant and sarcastic and doubtful, but my response to my interactions with this fellow human being was nothing but sympathetic. She has schizophrenia, clearly. She can't help that she hears voices, or acts rashly, or appears confused about the world at large. She made allusions to the fact that she is not allowed at the Suburban Station homeless shelter anymore, which, I can imagine the barrier for entry there is pretty low, so I can't imagine how you'd have to act to get banned. But this means that her options are limited. Perhaps limited to drinking a beer slowly at a bar on a Monday afternoon with your last five dollar bill.

This story has no happy ending. I didn't offer to pay for her drink. I didn't offer to get her help. I didn't even ask her her name, because honestly, I didn't want to. I can be glib about being handed a list of bullshit conspiracy theories, because they really are bullshit, and it pisses me off that no amount of logic will ever convince these people otherwise. But I find myself sad for the human being herself, as she continues to circle the bar in my mind, toothless, penniless, careful to make sure that the pilsner contains no fluoride.