Happy Birthday Pam

I'm not going to do some big sappy post or whatever. That's not how I blog (or, rather, maybe it's just that I've already done that before). To celebrate Pam's 34th birthday, here is a short list of reasons why I like Pam. Instead of the "big ideas," let's celebrate the little things, the dumb things, and the more esoteric the better.

34 Reasons Why Pam Is Cool

1. She hates the word "esoteric."
2. She does a great "Conor Oberst at Christmastime" impression.
3. She and Layla dance together in socks and it's cute.
4. She always tells me when I fucked up dinner, but still eats said dinner (like 20% of the time).
5. She sang to George W. Bush but refuses to admit that this was in any way jingoistic.
6. She eats Pizza Hut only when I'm out of town, and texts me when she is stuck in the bathroom because of the Pizza Hut.
7. She knows how to make a voiceover Power Point presentation.
8. She has no internal compass.
9. She sings "These Boots Are Made for Walkin'" at karaoke and I swear the whole bar swoons.
10. She is a rational human being but believes strongly in ghosts and thinks that Willow can see ghosts and that there is a ghost squirrel in my parents' attic.
11. She puts her feet up and sometimes asks permission, it's cute either way.
12. She hasn't broken up with Real Joe despite all the shit that Subconscious Dream Joe has put her through.
13. She pays for the Ubers because she hates SEPTA.
14. If she asks you "do you know what movie that's from?" you have a 50% chance of getting it right (either Beetlejuice or Labyrinth, duh).
15. She comes to a complete stop at all Rockledge stop signs.
16. She doesn't get hangovers, just headaches, and sometimes stomachaches, and sometimes becomes lethargic, and sometimes all three, and sometimes coincidentally the day after she drinks heavily, but she's never hungover.
17. She can get a baby to stop crying.
18. She took great pains to make me a mix CD of music that I had never heard before.
19. She keeps saying that we should get a new mattress but never actually makes us get a new mattress.
20. She started answering unknown numbers on her cell phone in case there is a chance that she receives another call from her husband while he's at the police station.
21. She only instagrams on vacation.
22. She is going to have the skin of a 30-year-old when she is 60.
23. Her eyes do this flutter thing when she's talking about something she is skeptical about, which I find adorable.
24. There isn't an inappropriate month for her to start discussing Halloween costumes.
25. She needs Tums to live, but also makes sure that anyone else who needs Tums has them.
26. She listened to an entire Fucked Up album once, and was fair and even somewhat generous in her assessment.
27. She only pays too much money for every other generation of iPhones.
28. She is an actual master at the subject she earned her Master's for, which is more than a lot of other people can say (definitely more than I will be able to say if I somehow get a Master's degree).
29. She has a really sensitive nose, so it's baffling that she married a dude with such consistently rank-smelling feet...
30. ...and she believes in the idea of "past lives," so it's also kind of baffling that she has never considered the fact that she was probably a bloodhound in a past life.
31. She would be comfortable living permanently in the middle of the woods, but is consistently okay with the fact that her husband forces her to live in a concrete-strewn and tree-deprived city.
32. She often glides instead of walking, she is the epitome of cool in my eyes.
33. She will probably never read this list because blogs are dumb.
34. She is thirty-four years old today, and will probably still get carded when we go out for drinks tonight.

Happy birthday yo.