Top Five Tuesday: Condiments

Top Five Condiments

5. Bleu cheese — absolutely essential if I'm eating anything already flavored with buffalo sauce (sandwich shops in Philly have about a 40% success rate in remembering to include my side of bleu cheese when I order a buffalo chicken cheesesteak)

4. Sugar-free Heinz ketchup —would be weird if I didn't include ketchup on this list; would be weird if I committed to liking regular ketchup so much that I got diabetes

3. Dijon mustard — makes my turkey and cheese sandwiches feel fancy as FUCK

2. Ranch — I feel like discovering the joys of ranch is a major milestone in moving from your preteen to your teen years: "What, you're saying I can dunk literally any 2 AM drunk food into this salad dressing?!"

1. JL Kraft chipotle aioli

Here's a question that I've literally never thought of before today—is it in any way unethical for me to promote the product of such a megaconglomerate as Kraft? As with any corporation of its size (food or otherwise), uncovering immoral business practices is only a google away. Kraft is no exception. But then I'm also telling you that there has never been a condiment I like more than their chipotle aioli sauce, which will transfer money from my tiny pocket to their enormous pocket. Does taste justify purchase?

That's probably giving too much credit to Puke on Your Birthday, as if Kraft is going to be all of a sudden moving great numbers of packages based on my word alone. And it's not even like this is a recurring issue on the blog—have their really been that many products affixed with a © hawked in the past thirteen years? Maybe a Hamm's here, a... Hamm's Special Light there. But I'm mostly here to complain about shit. The times I tell you that there is a thing you can buy and it is the best tasting thing you can buy are few and far between.

Among many other reasons, this makes today's Top Five an egregiously bad one. I am telling you the truth when I say that this chipotle aioli sauce is fucking perfect, rich and creamy and smoky and tangy all in equal measures. I am also telling you the truth when I say do not buy this sauce. Buy local. If you really want to taste the best condiment of all time, come over my house, I'll cook you a pork roll sandwich dripping with this shit. Or better yet, go to your local Target and steal it.