Festival Math

my nightmare

I have never been to a large-scale music festival, and I probably never will. They just aren't a good fit for me. I feel generally uncomfortable going to concerts, so asking me to basically attend 20 concerts in one weekend is way too intimidating. Financially, the price doesn't seem to match the product, i.e. I'd be shelling out hundreds of dollars for the opportunity to see 100 bands, 75% of whom I've never heard of? My choice of substances seems like a poor fit for such an environment too—alcohol is the absolute worst choice for hot, dusty, and crowded, and I tend not to indulge in any drugs that could be a better fit, like pot or mushrooms. And musically, even if we're forgetting about everything else... I dunno man, these big festivals always seem kind of hit or miss, with the headliners skewing toward "miss" as far as my own musical proclivities go.

On top of all this, even if I really wanted to go to a festival—which, again, I don't—I feel like I probably missed my chance at this point. I'm 33 years old. I'd feel old as fuck hanging out with the youngins on today's festival circuit. Getting sweaty and dehydrated and sunburned in a tightly-packed crowd to watch, like, Billie Eilish is a young man's game. I'd feel older than 33. I'd feel like a senior citizen.

But how old would I actually feel? That's the question. To answer it, I have developed an algorithm to determine how old one might feel at any particular large music festival. I'm still tweaking it a little bit, but the answers I've gotten have seemed pretty accurate. Here's the equation:

First, take the number of artists that are going to be performing on Friday, and multiple by three. Put that number aside. Then, count up the number of artists that you've actually heard of, and save that number. Next, out of those artists, add an additional point for any of them that you'd actually be motivated to see in a regular concert at your local concert venue. Combine those second two numbers, and subtract from the very first number. Your answer is how many years old you'd feel if you attended that festival.

[(#artists performing on Friday) x 3] - [(#artists you've heard of) + (#artists you'd voluntarily see in concert)] = age you'll feel at the festival

Two examples, to show you how it works. Let's start with Bonnaroo 2022. I'll list every artist that I've ever heard of on the poster, and bold the ones that I'd say "yes" to if presented with a ticket to see them at, I dunno, Union Transfer or something.

Sons of Kemet, Indigo de Souza, the Weather Station, Nothing, the Chicks, Robert Plant & Allison Krauss, Lord Huron, the War on Drugs, King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard, Goose, Bleachers, Denzel Curry, Japanese Breakfast, Claud, Tool, 21 Savage, $uicideboy$, Chvrches, Ludacriz, Judah and the Lion, Mt. Joy, 100 gecs, Slowthai, Stevie Nicks, Machine Gun Kelly, Roddy Rich, Nathaniel Rateliff and the Night Sweats, Herbie Hancock, Tierra Whack.

 

I have heard of 29 artists from the poster, and would go to see 13 of them of my own volition. That's 42 points total. I counted 33 artists on Friday, times 3 is 99. 99 minus 42 equals 57. So I would feel 57 years old if I attended Bonnaroo.

Next, let's try Coachella.

Harry Styles, Lil Baby, Phoebe Bridgers, Big Sean, Baby Keem, King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard, City Girls, Idles, Carly Rae Jepson, Spiritualized, Slowthai, Cordae, BADBADNOTGOOD, the Avalanches, Princess Nokia, PUP, Arooj Aftab, Amyl and the Sniffers, Code Orange, Billie Eilish, Megan Thee Stallion, 21 Savage, Danny Elfman, BROCKHAMPTON, girl in red, Caribou, Caroline Polachek, Turnstile, 100 gecs, Freddy Gibbs & Madlib, Hot Chip, Floating Points, Rina Sawayama, Japanese Breakfast, Beach Bunny, black midi, Nilufer Yanya, Mannequin Pussy, Ye, Doja Cat, Jamie xx, Run the Jewels, Maggie Rogers, Fatboy Slim, Denzel Curry, FINNEAS, Vince Staples, Chicano Batman, Orville Peck, beabadoobee, Maxo Kream, Bedouin, Yola, Swedish House Mafia.

I have heard of 54 artists on this poster. I would actually choose to see 16 of them. That's a 70. There are 59 performer scheduled for Friday, times three is 177. 177 minus 70 equals 107. I would feel 107 years old if I were to attend Coachella. Seems accurate to me!

Look, I'm not saying these aren't worthy endeavors. If you want to brave the younger-than-you crowds and the awful heat and the exorbitant drink prices, all in the name of seeing a few artists you like, and maybe discovering a few artists that give a good first impression, then by all means, you do you. I'm just saying that, if I ever ended up camping in a tent in TN or CA to attend, I'd feel a lot closer to death than I do right now.