Welcome back to Your Favorite Movie, where we force a family member to talk about their favorite movie of all time, even if they don't even know more than like 30 words yet, and it's eight in the morning, and you're forcing your not-game wife to participate, and man what the fuck am I even doing with my life, jesus christ...
Today's participant is Willow K***. I've known Willow for almost two years now. I don't really know her that well, so it was great to have this opportunity to speak with her about her favorite movie, and gain some insight into what makes her tick.
And her favorite movie of all time is Olaf's Frozen Adventure, yet another entry into the inimitable Frozen collection. It features bright colors, cute characters, and plenty of Christmas songs for the whole family to enjoy (Christmas movies being one's favorite movie of all time must run in the family).
We got together to talk about Willow's favorite movie during quarantine, and you'll find the transcription below, without Willow's permission, and not edited at all. Enjoy!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Willow: ...
Joe: Say yes.
Willow: ...
Joe: Martha, you're okay with recording?
Martha: [indiscriminate baby noise]
Joe: Okay. After watching Olaf's Frozen Adventure at least five hundred times, how can we gain a sense of the evils of capitalism, in this movie?
Willow: ...
Joe: I don't want to speak for Willow, but I don't know if that applies, because it's more of a monarchy. I don't know what the rules are in Arendelle about how much the citizens are required to listen to their queen. What kind of ruler do we think Queen Elsa is?
Willow: Hi!
Joe: She seems to be a bit of a pushover, as a ruler.
Willow: Hi! Uh oh.
Pam: She's not a hardass.
Joe: She's not.
Pam: But she probably would be, if she had to be.
Joe: I feel like Olaf's Frozen Adventure shows us how much of a pushover Elsa is because she sets up this party for all the townspeople, and they just walk away! If she really wanted that party to happen, she could easily be like, "I am your Queen, I order you to stick around!" or "Spend at least an hour with me with all this champagne that I have, and this elaborate meal that I've prepared for you peasants"—
Pam: Well, let's not pretend that Elsa prepared that meal.
Joe: You're right, her servers did. Which begs another question. They're bitching about nobody wanting to spend Christmas with them, and yet they have at least eight servers there, just chilling. You would think they would at least use that time to say, "We appreciate the butlers and maids who work for us. Let's let them have food. Let's let them have the champagne they've been holding patiently."
Pam: Maybe they do.
Joe: I dunno. They seem too preoccupied with the lack of traditions. What kind of traditions do you have, Willow, during Christmastime?
Willow: Anna.
Joe: I guess Olaf's Frozen Adventure really is a tradition for us at this point. Because we watch it every fucking night!
Pam: Did you sit on Santa's lap this year?
Willow: ...
Joe: What do we think about the traditions that the townsfolk rub in Queen Elsa's face?
Pam: "Rub in her face"?!
Joe: Yeah, they say, "We'd rather do this than hang out with our queen." Let's see. Some Tina Fey-sounding lady says she's too busy "rolling the lefse," which—I looked all this up, these are actual things—lefse is a baked good that you actually roll. It looks like a cannoli. "Porridge for the Tomte"—Tomte is a "house spirit" in the same vain as like Elf on the Shelf. And a bordstabelbakkel is another baked good. So those annoying twins were talking about a actual thing. I tried looking up "krumsakringlykakke," and that is not a real thing. So Olaf was yet again full of shit. Is Olaf the true villain of this movie?
Willow: ...
Pam: He is?!
Willow: No.
Pam: No he's not.
Willow: Olaf! [Editor's note: Willow really does say "Olaf!" like they do in the movie, when they are looking for Olaf in the woods.]
Joe: I dunno. He is so disrespectful in saying that Kristoff is off-tempo during his own damn song! He disregards Sven's safety for sure. Sven almost gets beheaded by a flying ax, and Olaf's response is "We're making really good time." And he's just so fucking creepy when he's in Oaken's sauna. That line reading of Gad's, when he says, "It feels good to take your coal off every once in a while if you know what I mean" like an old man getting a blowjob, it's fucking disturbing and uncomfortable. Everyone was off their game in this one, I feel like. Groff, who I think is just such a great fucking voice actor, has a rare swing-and-miss when he's talking about Flemmy the Fungus Troll, that whole "taste like lichen!" bit. It's not funny. Sven totally saves that that song with his clomping to the beat.
Pam: I didn't think we'd be trashing this movie.
Joe: That's the joke.
Pam: Is it? Is this supposed to be funny?
Joe: Okay, Christ, fine, what are some good things about Olaf's Frozen Adventure, Willow?
Willow: ...
Pam: I don't want to speak for Willow, but—[to Willow] can you take that crayon out of your mouth please?—I don't want to speak for Willow, but I think it's probably because Anna is in it.
Willow: Annie! Olaf! Annie!
Joe: How about the cat?
Willow: [meows]
Joe: That's probably the true villain of this movie! Mrs. Olsen!
Pam: Why?
Joe: Because she tells the fucking queen that she can't hang out because she has to "knit socks for her grandchildren," and then Olaf sees her later, and she's knitting socks for her cats! Liar!
Pam: You're sure that's the same person?
Joe: I am almost positive.
Pam: Wasn't the couple who said they were knitting socks a husband and wife? And the chick knitting socks is by herself?
Joe: The husband is seen in the next room with a real long-sleeved sweater on.
Joe: I know we asked Willow already, but what do you feel about the role of traditions during Christmastime, Pam?
Pam: [Editor's note: Pam asked me to edit out a sensitive family tradition complaint.] So I'll say that traditions are meant to be broken. But apparently I'm the only one who feels that way.
Joe: You hear that, folks? Pam hates Christmas.
Pam: ...
Ant: I admire Jordan Belfort's drive.
Joe: What are some other good things about this movie?
Pam: Yo! Stop coloring... c'mon! She's coloring with marker all over the table.
Joe: Willow!
Willow: ...
Joe: We'll take this opportunity to relay the question asked by the previous interviewee. This is from Bridget, with whom we talked about Overboard—remember Overboard, Willow? With the puppy? Bridget asks, "Who is hotter, Kurt Russell or Olaf?"
Willow: ...
Joe: I mean, Olaf is naked the majority of the time.
Willow: No!
Joe: Yes he is!
Pam: It sounded like she said, "Ew."
Joe: Let's recast these characters. If Olaf's Frozen Adventure was rebooted, who would play these characters?
Pam: Voices of the characters, you mean?
Joe: Let's pretend it's a live-action Olaf's Frozen Adventure. Who plays Sven?
Pam: F. Murray Abraham.
Joe: Kristoff?
Pam: William Jackson Harper.
Joe: Anna?
Pam: Suki Lopez.
Joe: Elsa?
Pam: CCH Pounder.
Joe: Olaf?
Pam: Bill Burr.
Joe: Ugh, that dude is annoying.
Pam: What?!
Joe: Let's keep going. Wandering Oaken?
Pam: Paul Wight.
Joe: The servants who say "Not yet, Olaf!"
Pam: Justin Roiland, Greta Gerwig, and Paul Shaffer, respectively.
Joe: Mr. and Mrs. Olsen?
Pam: Abe Vigoda and Cloris Leachman.
Joe: Abe Vigoda is dead.
Pam: No!!! Okay then, Daniel Day-Lewis. He can wear a sweater that's too big for him for three years to get the part right. He'll come out of retirement and spend years method acting for a two-line bit part.
Joe: Who would you cast as the squirrel who gets knocked in the head by a hot coal?
Pam: donald trump.
Joe: Don't get me started about that asshole. He deserves a lot more than a rogue piece of coal smacking him in the face. Figures that we'd have a leader who is less intelligent than a squirrel in the White House during the worst pandemic this century. How can anyone possibly support this man still? The dude questioned whether sending respirators to New York was necessary. His inaction and indecision is going to lead to thousands of more deaths than necessary. Fuck that dude, and fuck anyone who still has anything good to say about him. Fucking rapist. Fuck!
Pam: Can we not...
Joe: What do we think about a sequel? Will there ever be an Olaf's Frozen Adventure 2?
Willow: ...
Joe: And what would that entail? Do you even want a sequel? Or do you feel like it would besmirch the original if we had a sequel in the first place? Would it be just a craven cash-grab from studio execs who just want your money, Willow? Or do you feel like Disney would be able to pump some heart into it, and create some truly memorable experiences, with Olaf's Frozen Adventure 2?
Pam: You don't have to be so cynical about everything.
Joe: I'm not being cynical! I'll be uncynical, and I'll say that an Olaf's Frozen Adventure 2 would not be a craven money-grab, it would be a heartfelt story of Olaf's kids... realizing that their father is the most famous snowman in Arendelle, and they get jealous, and go on an adventure... and... realize the true meaning of Christmas, because his kids were kept apart, growing up, because one of them had magical powers, and they realized that... Queen Anna was their tradition, they would create papier-mâché Annas, and little figurine Annas, homemade trinket Annas, and pass them under the door... and they realized that they do have a tradition, that it was Queen Anna this whole time.
Pam: So what you're saying is... Olaf has sex?
Willow: ...
Dwyer: Baba Booey, Baba Booey, Howard Stern's penis.
Joe: Willow, I want to quote something that you've said about Olaf's Frozen Adventure before. Don't worry, it's not from Facebook, I know you have me blocked. This is actually from the other night. You were—and this was through the baby monitor—you were asleep, we thought, but I heard you say, "Anna Anna Anna Anna Anna Anna Anna." One, do you still believe that? And two, how does that apply to your feelings about your favorite movie of all time?
Willow: Mommy, no. Tiger! Tiger! Tiger!
Pam: Oh, you want this Daniel Tiger coloring book? [hands Willow the book]
Joe: Goddamn it! We're not talking about your favorite TV show of all time! We're talking about your favorite movie of all time!
Martha: [crying]
Joe: I actually agree with Roger Ebert, who said that this was "a lovable romp through a fantastical world with everyone's favorite naïf." Do you agree with that, Willow?
Pam: Roger Ebert wasn't alive when this came out. [Editor's note: She's right, he wasn't. Sorry Drew.]
Joe: It's actually pretty interesting—I guess we talked about this when we were talking about The Sting, how it was the fourth movie that we talked about that had won Best Picture at the Oscars. And this movie brings our count up to five. Do you feel like Olaf's Frozen Adventure truly did deserve the Best Picture Oscar it won that year? Or do you think another movie was more worthy? Willow?
Willow: ...
Joe: What do we think about... Do we feel like Olaf's Frozen Adventure is truly part of the canon? Because I think that was the original intent. It was supposed to be a stopgap between Frozen and Frozen II, and connected those stories. Having watched Frozen II during this quarantine, I didn't see too much of a connection between Olaf's Frozen Adventure and Frozen II. Can we think of anything that would qualify as world-connecting between the two? Or was that just the original plan, and they never followed through?
Pam: They just wanted to release something around Christmas. Was it one year or two in between?
Joe: In between Frozen and Frozen II?
Pam: Yeah.
Joe: It was six.
Pam: Time flies when you don't have kids.
Joe: I don't want to speak for Willow, but I see a few small connections between Olaf's Frozen Adventure and Frozen II. First, in Frozen II, Kristoff makes it explicit how much he hates dressing in formal clothing, and that is foreshadowed when he is bringing the Yule Bell into the courtyard in his fancy garb, and he gives this subtle tug of the collar. You can tell he's not comfortable. I guess another thing is how Elsa really starts to blame herself during Olaf's Frozen Adventure for being separated from Anna for all those years prior. She gets depressed, and then motivated, over Christmas and the lack of traditions, and she thinks that it is "all her fault." It's not, it's her parents' fault, but I already talked about that on Puke on Your Birthday. But anyway, the connection is that she feels this pressure to "make up" for the fact that Anna was locked in a tower, and that pressure causes her to stick around the castle a lot longer than she would've otherwise. She knows that she doesn't belong there, and that serves as the basis for the plot in Frozen II. But that unfair sense of self-blaming that she expresses in Olaf's Frozen Adventure—and, yes, Frozen Fever too—becomes something that she has to overcome in Frozen II. Finally, I guess it's pretty telling that Olaf's Frozen Adventure ends with the whole kingdom coming together for a meal, and then Frozen II's proper beginning—not counting the flashback prologue—features the whole town coming together for dinner yet again, and it seems ordinary this time, as if this is what they do all the time. The sense of community that Anna and Elsa so craved, post-Yule Bell, finally comes to fruition in Frozen II.
Pam: You are a fucking loser.
Joe: Has this always been your favorite movie, Willow?
Willow: ...
Pam: I don't want to speak for Willow, but it seemed like Frozen was her favorite movie before this.
Joe: That's definitely a movie that I've talked about on the blog before. So I'm glad to be able to have the opportunity to talk about Olaf's Frozen Adventure, since we've seen it a thousand times. Can you remember the first time you saw this movie, Willow?
Willow: [crying]
Pam: I was pregnant with you when we saw it in theaters before Coco! And Bobci [Polish for "grandmother"] thought that Olaf's Frozen Adventure actually was the movie Coco, and was pretty confused.
Joe: Has it been your favorite movie since then?
Willow: ...
Joe: If Bobci reads this, will she think your favorite movie is Coco?
Pam: I'm surprised she doesn't like Coco more. But kids love Olaf.
Joe: We're kind of getting toward the end of the interview here. Why would you say you like this movie, Willow?
Willow: ...
Joe: If you don't mind speaking for you, kind of like Kristoff speaks for Sven, I would say that it's just that type of movie that you can put on at any time, and watch it. If it's on cable, and you just happen to have the TV on, maybe you're sitting on the couch, and it just comes on, and you stop what you're doing, and you watch it. You could be cooking a meal with your mom, and you both stop, and sit on the couch—it could be five minutes into the movie, it could be five minutes left in the movie, you sit down, you watch it, you enjoy it, you can quote the lines, it's just one of those movies you can have in the background, you just enjoy it for what it is, it's just one of those movies you've just loved your whole life, you can just have it on, you can just enjoy. Every time. It's just there. It's comfort food. It's like The Office. You can just sit and watch it at any time, day or night. You've always felt that way. It's just been there forever. You can quote every line. You can repeat every scene. You can sing every song. You know what's coming next, and that's comforting. You can share that love with family. Family is important. We all watched it together. Every time it's on, we just stop what we're doing and we watch it. It's on all the time on cable, growing up. We can just forget about the world and just watch it. And no matter how many years go by, there hasn't been a week that's gone by when you haven't watched this movie. It's a constant presence. You discovered it when you were young, and just watch it all the time. It can be in the background, or you can be watching it intently. It's just there. It's always been there. It'll always be there. Always. It's your favorite movie. It's just a good movie.
Willow: Olaf.
Martha: [crying]
1 comment:
Excellent.
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