I do not remember writing this. I suppose it was in late 2016. I suppose I was drunk. It is clearly unfinished. I am so very, very tired of it sitting in my drafts folder, and I don't know what else to do with it, and I cannot bring myself to permanently delete anything I ever write, no matter how bad. I'm a hoarder of my own words. It's a problem. Anyways, fuck it, here ya go.
What better way to extract the essence of a year then by a BULLETPOINT LIST?!
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What better way to extract the essence of a year then by a BULLETPOINT LIST?!
- took an $80 Uber ride home from New Year's
- was embarrassed for my city as transphobic South Philly losers in brownface paraded down Broad St.
- was absolutely enthralled watching Making a Murderer
- was absolutely bored to tears watching the Making a Murderer lawyers at the Keswick Theater
- told myself that I would listen to most of David Bowie's discography this year in tribute but couldn't because it honestly couldn't hold up (but Blackstar was awesome)
- hosted the annual K*** Cousins Party (which I will no longer be referring to by its colloquial name, K*** Kousins Kristmas, or its acronym, because man, some shit just isn't funny anymore after the year we just had, right?)
- Also, still refused to reveal my last name on a public blog, apparently
- got snowed in at my parents' house during the blizzard of 2016 with a keg and my sister's graduation party attendees
- only had to visit the car mechanic once for some bullshit
- attended the Wing Bowl for the first (last?) time in my life
- drank 3:30 AM beers and saw 5:30 AM boobs
- got a haircut from Pam and my hair is still longer than it's ever been
- listened to Pam's beautiful singing voice soundtrack a South Philly wedding
- watched a Super Bowl I couldn't give less of a fuck about at the Dwyers' (click here for a visual)
- rooted against Villanova for weeks to no avail
- got into many fights with Philly folk explaining why you don't have to root for that stupid fucking team because the school isn't in Philly and they are a rival school to many actual Philly schools and everyone that goes there is a milquetoast white rich snob goddammmmmmmn it
- spent all St. Valentine's Day weekend painting the doors in the house because that's the best gift I could possibly give my wife for St. Valentine's Day apparently
- used the La Salle track for running (which I never did when I was at school)
- then drank on the bleachers (which I always did when I was at school)
- drank so much sweet wine that I literally had to get a root canal
- did an AMA on Facebook because I'm a fucking loser
- went to like four improv shows because I SUPPORT FRIENDS AND ENJOY COMEDY
- was away for Pam's birthday because I'm a shitty husband
- actually got excited for the Phillies for like a month which is wild to think about now
- cheered as Papelbon blew a save on a beautiful Sunday afternoon at CBP
- thought that the Phillies might actually be a good team hahahahahah
- said farewell to Chooch and to Howard and to the last lingering memories of our 2008 team
- went to the movies by myself to see the spiritual sequel to Dazed and Confused
- almost cried
- listened to the Hamilton soundtrack a lot because I often am in the car with Pam
- refused to pay $1500 for Hamilton tickets
- trained for a half marathon
- ran a half marathon
- died
- tried to go to the gym at 4:30 AM every day and lasted like two weeks
- tried to walk to work every day and lasted like a week and a half
- tried to lose my beer belly and ended up just growing it
- tried to look physically attractive for my wife and mostly failed
- tried to feel better about my body shape and somewhat succeeded I guess but kind of
- lost my wallet because I can't go a whole year without losing something important
- got my wallet back in the mail after I replaced everything
- spent a boozy, crabby weekend in Baltimore
- lost my grandmom
- tried to laugh and remember the good times
- cried, too
- missed her burnt grilled cheese and her vegetable soup and her famous lemon cake
- missed her
- saw plenty of concerts this year which is weird because concerts make me uncomfortable
- blacked out and sung my heart out to "Stuck Between Stations" with Craig Finn and Titus fucking Andronicus
- was blown away by Car Seat Headrest and then somehow ended up at El Bar blacked out
- drank a lot at concerts apparently
- was a little disappointed by Father John Misty I guess because he is too ironic and distant and it feels like he doesn't really care much for other people in general?
- saw the worst concert I've ever seen (sorry, Valencia in 2005!) by a dude called JMSN (embarrassing way of spelling a name pronounced "Jamison") who dressed like Eminem and acted like Adam Levine
- took off for two weeks in the spring from work because fuck that place
- went on a fucking wild Vegas Vacation
- drank at an open bar on a Ferris wheel
- drank $3 everything at the Happiest Place on Earth
- received the scariest, most expensive check of my lifetime poolside
- laughed with friends for five days straight
- laughed as friends got kicked out of the pool for getting to second base
- laughed at the size of the pancakes at the diner at 5:30 in the morning
- destroyed my stomach but thankfully not my wallet
- did, however, lose $100 in about five seconds on the roulette table
- goddamn had a great fucking vacation
- Stayed up drinking at El Bar until 3:30 in the morning the night before going back to work from vacation and got into work and threw up and went right home in a probably subconscious attempt to avoid going back to work for as long as possible
- listened to South Philly juiceheads threaten friends for throwing hot dogs off the rooftop deck (don't ask)
- ran a mile then drank at a bar then ran a mile then drank at a bar then ran a mile then drank at a bar then ran a mile then drank at a bar then ran a mile then drank at a bar then ran a mile then drank at a bar then died
- played the drinking game "Pizza Box" in a Hoboken apartment
- really disliked my soul-crushing job
- hung out in Kensington after dark
- got home late because a Mom wouldn't stop berating me because she wanted her son to live with a sexual predator
- tried to place to teenagers in foster care and bought them McDonald's so they wouldn't run and they ran anyway until a cop tackled them
- was told that I was a racist asshole and that if this one particular father saw me again he'd put me "in the fucking dirt"
- called 911 way more times than I wanted to
- placed way more babies addicted to drugs than I wanted to
- had a mother tell me she was "busy" only to find out that that meant she was right in the middle of burglarizing a home when I called her
- danced around thousands of cockroaches
- was told I was a bad person
- was told it'd be better if I was dead
- burned out
- etc. etc. etc.
- got accepted to a new position within the company that isn't so soul crushing and like maybe I'll actually transfer in 2017 but who the fuck knows
- went to plenty of bachelor parties this year
- saw someone get stabbed at the first bachelor party
- did keg stands on a bus driving down I-76 at the second bachelor party
- threw dollar bills at a stripper eating cheetos off the floor at the third bachelor party
- visited the most depressing place on earth and the happiest place on earth (The Turf Club and Day Dreams, you decide which is which) at the fourth bachelor party
- got real drunk in Wildwood at the fifth bachelor party and, man, the cops didn't like that one bit
- went to plenty of weddings too is like the more important thing right
- went to six weddings in all
- was a groomsman in two
- gave a best man speech at one
- got drunk and danced and had a fucking blast at every one
- McNally's
- tweeted like 200 times and none of it was funny
- instagrammed 0 times because I know I'm not funny
- wrote on Facebook about politics until I was blue in the face and it didn't make a goddamn difference because I live in a bubble
- watched hours of TV with my favorite couchmate (Pam)
- won dozens of games of beer pong with my favorite teammate (Pam)
- was turned on by chokers and by fake nose rings and by cute bangs (all Pam)
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