Cuz I Love You, Joe

[SCENE: Philadelphia Criminal Court, Courtroom 5C, May 17, 2019, 7:00 AM]

Court Crier: All please rise for the Honorable Judge John Smith. Your honor, we're here for the case of Joseph K--- vs. The State of Reasonable Music Listeners

[Judge enters]

Judge: Be seated. Prosecuting lawyer, please call your first witness.

Prosecuting Lawyer: We'd like to call the defendant, Joseph K---

[Joseph K---, whose surname is being withheld from these court records, takes the stand]

PL: Please state your name for the record.

Joseph K---: Joseph, and we'll leave it at that.

PL: And Joseph, can you state why you are being held in contempt today?

JK: I assume it's for writing a completely and unnecessarily convoluted Record Club album review for Lizzo's Cuz I Love You. This whole thing is dumb.

PL: True, and I have to say, sir, that I'm glad we got the fourth-wall-breaking out of the way early, because you usually wait until toward the end of your fake transcripts to make this joke, and it's painfully unfunny each time.

JK: Objection?

Judge: Overruled.

PL: No, you're here today because the overwhelming majority of the public takes offense to your opinion that Cuz I Love You is mediocre. The charge against you reads Music Critic Snobbery.

JK: I can explain.

PL: Can you? Because let the record show that nothing about Lizzo's latest release could be in any way read as offensive or outright "bad," as you clearly seem to think.

JK: Okay, my main issue is this. I think that Lizzo uses her self-confidence as a crutch, and I find it annoying. Overwhelming, maybe. It almost reads as bragging, and I find that unappealing.

PL: Many of your detractors would call this response inappropriate. So what if Lizzo is positive about herself? Isn't that a quality that you'd want your daughter to have? To have self-confidence?

JK: Sure, but it goes beyond that. I don't want to shit on Lizzo. She seems great, her bizarre trash-talking on music critics notwithstanding. I'm glad that she feels good about herself. But to constantly sing about yourself and how great you are or how great you think you are is fucking tiring—

Judge: Language, Mr. K---.

JK: Sorry, your honor—um—but like I was saying, to continually sing about how great you are, that is a turn-off, from a critical perspective, to me anyway.

PL: Are you saying that Lizzo should have a negative perception of herself? Are you calling her unattractive?!

JK: No! What?! An artist's looks should have nothing to do with the music one's listening to, so even if that were true, it'd be moot here. But Lizzo is attractive because she is confident, at least in the specific context of her as a human being. But we're talking about her music here, and so her looks or how she perceives herself does not have anything to do with it... besides, I guess, that she sings about it too much.

PL: Please elaborate, because I'm not sure I follow your logic.

JK: Okay, put it this way. I would hate if ANYONE sang this way. Beyoncé, who has a different body type than Lizzo (objectively speaking), is also very attractive, and I have the same negative reaction when Beyoncé sings about how great she, herself, is. The fact that someone may or may not be great by any standard you choose is besides the point, because the fact that they are singing about how great they are in the first place is the part I don't like. I'm not disagreeing with the perception of one's self, I'm simply asking that you not beat me over the head with it.

PL: I'm still not sure that I believe you are being completely honest with us, Mr. K---, because this didn't seem to be an issue with any of the other fourteen albums that you and your friends have reviewed so far.

JK: Because none of those artists were actively flaunting how great they were.

PL: Innanet James, a little bit. You seemed to let him off the hook, though.

JK: Not really. I believe I called his lyrics "mostly dumb." I even specifically praised him when he rapped lyrics that I thought were sincere, versus lyrics about his perpetually getting road head.

PL: So this is a race thing.

JK: WHAT!?!? No!

Defense Attorney: Objection!

Judge: Sustained.

DA: We actually have evidence of Mr. K---'s opinions about this in the past, and let this evidence show that it is definitively not a race thing. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, please read his opinion of a forgettable 2016 song by the white Meghan Trainor.

[DA places a large print-out of a previous blog post, with the following entry highlighted: "And let me be clear here, the only thing that makes her an asshole in this song is a stunning lack of humility. Personally, one of the most unattractive qualities a person can have is a large ego, or someone that brags a lot. It just makes me uncomfortable."]

DA: As you can see, Mr. K--- has felt this way about this style of pop song for at least three years, but probably his whole life.

JK: Again, who Lizzo is has nothing to do with my ostensibly minor objections to her music. I just want artists to not brag so much about how great they are.

[The song "All the Wine" starts to play over the courtroom's loudspeakers]

JK: Oh come on! They're being ironic!

PL: Irony? You want irony? How about the fact that your main point of contention with this album is that Lizzo allegedly talks about herself too much, and yet, isn't that what you are doing here, in this very review? In every review of yours, for that matter? Don't you usually find a way to make it all about you?

JK: Maybe that's true, I don't know.

PL: So you admit it?

JK: Sure. I'm painfully aware of the fact that I'm not a great music critic. I use meta constructs as a crutch because I'm weak. But I don't expect readers to give me a pass for it. In that same way, I'm not going to give Lizzo a pass either. It's not a one-or-the-other situation. We—Lizzo and me both—we can both be cheap and annoying. It's possible.

PL: Okay, okay, that's enough, let's get back to the point. You've made it clear why you dislike this album, and I hope the jury holds you accountable for any missteps in your opinion.

JK: I have some good things to say about Cuz I Love You too, I guess.

PL: Oh? Would you like to share those opinions with the jury as well, or should we keep implying you are a racist and/or sexist?

JK: The music itself is okay, besides the lyrics.

PL: A stunning endorsement. [/s]

JK: Is she trying to be Bruno Mars or something?

PL: Objection!

Judge: Overruled, have you even heard "Juice"?

PL: I think it's a great catchy song, perfect for the summer months ahead.

JK: It's stuck in my head, for sure, but it's one of those catchy songs that bothers the hell out of me too, for reasons we already discussed ad nauseam. It's an earworm that actually makes me feel like a worm. I'd just as soon rather I'd never listened to it thirty-five times this week.

PL: Well how about "Jerome"? That is a good one.

JK: I actually agree with the prosecution on that one. It sounds like something Amy Winehouse would've done, or rather, has already done, but still, unlike the Bruno Mars comparison, I make the Winehouse comparison favorably. This is good. She's self-righteous without going overboard with the lack of humility in this one.

PL: What about the Missy Elliott track? "Tempo"?

JK: Please don't make me talk about that track.

Judge: Just answer the question.

JK: I fuc—sorry your honor—I really, really hate this song. The first time I heard this song, I turned to Pam and said, "This song is terrible." I still feel that way. Just because you literally say that it's a "throwback" in the song doesn't mean it avoids being a cheap imitation of '90s Missy Elliott's style. And no, the fact that Missy Elliott is actually featured on the track changes nothing either. I hate everything about this song. I hate the trills in the second verse, it's fucking stupid and unnecessary and rhyme-cheating. I hate the way that she just seems purposefully bored, like she would rather be doing anything than singing this song.

PL: That last point seems like a double standard. Seeming "bored" is kind of the whole point of post punk, and yet you gave Dogrel a 4.5 rating a few weeks ago.

JK: That's possible, I guess. All I can say is that Fontaines D.C. seemed to weaponize their quote unquote boredom and somehow made it cool, whereas Lizzo's quote unquote boredom seems affected and somehow like a marketing gimmick. If that's a double standard, then sue me.

PL: We literally are, right now.

[JK starts making animalistic, guttural sounds. Judge bangs his gavel.]

PL: Relax, Mr. K---. That's enough, we get it. You hate this album.

JK: It's not that simple! I don't know. I'm confusing myself.

PL: Could it be that you went into this album with preconceived notions and you refuse to let go of them?

JK: I don't think it's that simple either. Maybe that's part of it, I don't know. That whole thing with Lizzo publicly taking offense to her Pitchfork album review score rubbed me the wrong way, sure. I don't even like Pitchfork that much, but to denigrate music criticism in general because of it just seemed like a bridge too far. But no, fuck that, if this album was good, I'd say so. I don't want to hate music. I wanted to like this. But I didn't find much that made me excited in any measurable way, I'm sorry to say. It just seemed like a pastiche of other big-voiced R&B-tinged pop music that been done already and better in the '10s alone.

PL: Don't you ever get tired of being like this?

JK: I take offense to the question. I'm giving this an honest shot. I really am. I'm making every fucking concession. I'm trying to appreciate the vocals, which are powerful a lot of the time, to the production, which can be fun and uplifting, to the sincerity of the music, which, I'll admit, is something that even Bruno Mars can't even claim possession of. Clearly this is the work of Lizzo, she's not just a prop. I can appreciate that too.

PL: You seem to be saying a lot of positive things about this album, and yet you still claim to dislike it?

JK: I'm saying that there are a lot of good pieces, but that the overall product just never really comes together to give me a satisfying listening experience. Most of the songs aren't good enough to overcome the noxious lyrics, and the good songs don't do anything that thousands of other artists haven't done in the past.

PL: But don't you know Lizzo plays the flute on stage?

JK: I've heard that, and yeah, I'll admit... that's awesome.

Judge: Jury, have you reached your verdict?

Foreman: We have your honor. We find the defendant guilty.

Judge: Mr. K---, you've heard the jury's verdict. I sentence you to death.

JK: A fate preferable to listening to "Tempo" again.

Judge: If I could sentence you again, I would.

JK: Would the fact that I'm giving Cuz I Love You a very generous 2 pukes out of 5 change the sentencing?

Judge: No, mainly due to the fact that I find your use of "pukes" instead of "stars" or whatever juvenile and nonsensical. Courtroom adjourned.

[END SCENE.]