Part XIX
Meeting Pam (a repost)
April 30, 2010
The following originally appeared on a Tumblr in which I was attempted to lampoon the idea of a "wedding website." Wedding websites like The Knot are stupid and I think people who have a wedding website should know how stupid they are. My tumblr making fun of the idea, however, was hit or miss overall in its mockery of marriage. This was what I wrote for the "How We Met" section, and I stand by it still as one of my favorite things I ever wrote. It's lightly edited here.
"We can't make out till we get onto the bus, and we can't go to the bus until the last song is over," she whispered in his ear.
"Okay," he said, shaky with anticipation.
The DJ popped on his final tune. "Last Dance" by Donna Summer.
She rolled her eyes. "Fuck this shit, let's go to the bus."
But let's back up a little bit. Where did they truly meet for the first time? It was in that weird little circular driveway outside the shittiest college basketball stadium in the city, the Tom Gola Arena. "Hey, nice to meet you, Pam." "You too." And lo, fireworks exploded over the Blue and Gold Dining Hall and a flock of doves flew over Rape Alley and a shooting star shot northward, seemingly right toward The Point Pizza, which was fucking terrible, by the way.
But let’s back up a little further, because this was not the first time they laid eyes on one other, for there is a thing called Facebook, and our mutual friend Hannah was trying to get us to bang.
"I think you need a good blonde," she told Joe as they pounded Hurricane forties in her cramped off-campus apartment. "My good friend Pamela is coming to Masque Formal, and she just got out of a long-term relationship, so she’d definitely be down for a fling. You do like girls... right?"
"I think you need a guy with a huge dick and lots of money," she told Pam as they sipped margaritas on the beaches of Mexico. "But in the meantime, I have a friend named Joe who you might like. You're okay with hairy guys... right?"
And so the plan was formulated. Joe and Pam would meet each other at Formal, and with the help of their good friend alcohol, they would kiss, maybe more...
But let's back up a little further, to March 15th, 2002. We find ourselves in the alleyway behind 300 Longshore Avenue, and Joe and four friends (two guys, two girls) are playing Truth or Dare. These were sober times, but the game could get risqué regardless. "Hey, we're gonna dare you to hook up with Holly," said Kev. "Yeah man, we're trying to get you depruded," said Tommy. And so it went that Joe was dared to kiss his first kiss. "Hey," he thought, "I kind of like this. I should keep kissing girls, maybe over a hundred even, until I find the one I want to keep kissing forever and ever for the rest of my life."
And so flashforward eight years, one month, and fifteen days, and there Joe is, kissing Pam on a bus filled with so many drunk thespians, and in the back of his mind even then he kinda knew that she was The One.
But let's back up a few hours, and there's Joe, standing in a living room in a second-floor campus apartment, where his closest La Salle friends are gathered, foolishly pregaming of an open-bar event.
And as Joe is wont to do, he decides to give a toast before they all walk to the buses to meet their fate. The theme of the toast was "The Possibilities Are Endless Tonight." He toasted: "You sir, maybe you'll win an award you didn’t expect," and "You, my friend, you could possibly drinking too much alcohol and make a fool of yourself on the dance floor," and even "you, ma'am, you might pee your pants, but that's okay! Because tonight, anything could happen!"
And Joe—swear to god—ends the toast in the following fashion: "And who knows, one of us might meet the one we'll marry tonight. Cheers to the night, and all its endless possibilities!" And then they all finished the final dregs of their Natty Lights, and started the walk over to Tom Gola Arena, where Pam met Joe and Joe met Pam, and their destiny, which was just created like five minutes ago, was already sealed.
Fast forward to the bus ride, which goes swimmingly (give or take a various undergrads desperately peeing in empty bottles). But the bus gets back to La Salle, and they're drinking in that same campus apartment, and the night is young. Pam's a lightweight, so she's hammered, and she's sitting on Joe's lap.
And they decide to play Truth or Dare. Pam gets dared to kiss Joe. Joe’s romantic life comes full circle.
Fast forward another hour, and it's bedtime, and Hannah is still playing the role of mutual wingman, so Pam and Joe sleep on her couch. "Second base" is a colloquial schoolyard term for a man touching a woman's breasts.
Fast forward like five hours, after a somewhat uncomfortable night of sleep (two people can't sleep on one couch, yo), and Joe is getting his shoes on for the short walk back to his car. Pam is freshening up in the bathroom, no doubt asking herself, "Oh god, what have I done?" and all that. But Joe gives her a kiss, asks for her number, and skips down the hall to the elevator, toward the street, and down the hill to his car.
And if the toast didn't seal their fate as a married couple, if the long kisses on the bus didn't seal it, if the thematic resonance of a Truth or Dare kiss didn't seal it, and if the exchanging of phone numbers didn't seal it either, then what happened next surely did.
For according to legend, Joe threw up that day, dry-heaving bright yellow stomach bile right along N. 5th Street on that rickety drive home. Pam threw up too, hot buffalo chicken cheesesteak all over Hannah's car. And, according to legend, their vomiting happened simultaneously. Two twin souls, together at last, united in love and happiness and, yes, a little bit of puke.
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