Lowlight

As the rest of the civilized world was gripped by last weekend's historic release of Twilight, I was making myself a buffalo chicken sandwich. Surely you're saying to yourself, "Nick, how in the world were you able to shake the image of Robert Pattinson's puffy hair out of your mind long enough to focus on an unimportant task such as nourishing yourself?" Easy, I say. Twilight is the biggest bullshit to hit the all-important trend battleground we call "Hot Topic."

These vampires fucking suck, pun intended. I intended the pun because it's far more clever than anything coming out of their mouths. The first problem lies at the very beginning of the series. Stephanie Meyer is a ridiculously terrible author. My mom has a copy of Twilight sitting right next to me and I read a passage. I want those few seconds of my life back. No one talks the way she writes. Her writing is the equivalent of the great Arrested Development character Tobias Funke's acting. Over the top, but with no substance. Secondly, the characters are completely devoid of any personality. Now, this may just be Meyer playing to her emotionally vapid audience, but I doubt it. Either way, it makes for the least enjoyable movie experience. It's like eating a cracker. You ate it, but you didn't really taste it.

My biggest problem with the series is its portrayal of vampires. It was my understanding that vampires were scary, terrible, blood-sucking monsters. Apparently not. Instead of being badass and wanting to kill people, Edward Cullen just wants to play piano and be sensitive. That's not fucking fun at all. If I was walking down a dark alley and I saw Edward Cullen I'd probably just make fun of him. He makes Count Chocula seem like Freddie fucking Krueger.

Fuck Twilight.