Prompt: "A song whose title is officially all lowercase"
Selected by Joe
"fathers"
awakebutstillinbed
what people call low self-esteem is really just seeing yourself the way that other people see you, 2018
Usually I have a good grasp of where exactly the line of good taste is drawn, and usually I can toe that line without actually crossing it (though your own personal mileage with me may vary). But I'm getting a vasectomy on September 14th, and I have no idea whether that's acceptable to talk about in public. (As always, the blog doesn't count... or is at least separate from the issue I'm talking about.)
I've been using it as a sort of rebuttal to this stupid notion that fathers in my position should be "trying to have a boy" after three beautiful daughters. I think that's stupid and ignorant. I am pretty comfortable where I'm at, and any man who has an ego fragile enough that he feels like he "needs another man in the house" or finds it necessary to "have his son carry on the family surname" or whatever is overcompensating for some deep-seeded insecurities. But so anyway, when people say something like this—or at least ask the question, I'm not trying to paint the thought as some universally malicious thing, sometimes people are just trying to be funny or cute—I always say "nah," and when pressed with like a "are you sure," I have been saying something like "hell no, I already scheduled a vasectomy."
Mostly gets a good laugh, but I've also gotten my fair share of uneasy reactions. I feel like that line is drawn on an age divide. The older the person, the less likely they are to chuckle at the idea of me getting my vas deferens snipped. I've even of late substituted the phrase "a vasectomy" with "the procedure," and it doesn't seem to make a difference. I guess the generation or two above us have been conditioned that it's inappropriate to speak of one's private parts like that (flippantly). I don't think that it should be taboo—like, in my mind, there's a wide difference between talking about my cock when it comes to a medical procedure and talking about my cock when I'm referring to some kinky shit that I'm getting into, of course. But, like, you should see how my parents reacted to the Disney+ Big Hero 6-adjacent TV short about Baymax helping a young woman purchase tampons for her first period. You would've thought my dad just caught Willow and Martha watching hardcore pornography.
I guess the big question here is whether I should have even bothered telling my parents about the vasectomy. Not that it's any of their fucking concern, but I just didn't know if satisfying my sociological curiosity at their adverse reaction would outweigh the no-doubt adverse reaction itself. But yeah, curiosity kills all, and so on the same night that my dad asked me if I had ever heard of Genesis, I happened to drop a little nugget of information that the vasectomy was scheduled. I tried to do it nonchalantly, like I'm pretty sure I was answering the "r u having ne other kidz" question from Bob or Ant, but my dad was there, and I made sure to give a quick side glance in his direction when I mentioned it, and what I saw was a stony resolve to not show any emotion whatsoever. Which is pretty funny too. I don't think it's a matter of him being salty about having any more grandkids, at least from me, since the dude has five granddaughters already and is in exactly one week beginning a retirement full of forced babysitting appointments. I think he just doesn't want to think about his son's dick getting sliced open like a hot dog bun.
Am I frightened of the procedure itself? No, not really. Seems to be pretty medically sound, all things considered. I did have a weird spell of nausea when the doc was explaining the procedure to me, and there's maybe a 50% chance that the nausea directly stemmed from the fact that she was talking about poking a needle into my penis. She offers valium to all those who are getting the procedure done, and I dunno, I might take her up on it just in case.
I can assure you those mixed feelings are purely physical and have only to do with my and many men's discomfort when it comes to messing with their private parts. Emotionally, I'm totally set. My kids are awesome, and my wife and I couldn't be more pleased, and I sure would like to continue to never wear a condom for the remainder of my life.
Mostly gets a good laugh, but I've also gotten my fair share of uneasy reactions. I feel like that line is drawn on an age divide. The older the person, the less likely they are to chuckle at the idea of me getting my vas deferens snipped. I've even of late substituted the phrase "a vasectomy" with "the procedure," and it doesn't seem to make a difference. I guess the generation or two above us have been conditioned that it's inappropriate to speak of one's private parts like that (flippantly). I don't think that it should be taboo—like, in my mind, there's a wide difference between talking about my cock when it comes to a medical procedure and talking about my cock when I'm referring to some kinky shit that I'm getting into, of course. But, like, you should see how my parents reacted to the Disney+ Big Hero 6-adjacent TV short about Baymax helping a young woman purchase tampons for her first period. You would've thought my dad just caught Willow and Martha watching hardcore pornography.
I guess the big question here is whether I should have even bothered telling my parents about the vasectomy. Not that it's any of their fucking concern, but I just didn't know if satisfying my sociological curiosity at their adverse reaction would outweigh the no-doubt adverse reaction itself. But yeah, curiosity kills all, and so on the same night that my dad asked me if I had ever heard of Genesis, I happened to drop a little nugget of information that the vasectomy was scheduled. I tried to do it nonchalantly, like I'm pretty sure I was answering the "r u having ne other kidz" question from Bob or Ant, but my dad was there, and I made sure to give a quick side glance in his direction when I mentioned it, and what I saw was a stony resolve to not show any emotion whatsoever. Which is pretty funny too. I don't think it's a matter of him being salty about having any more grandkids, at least from me, since the dude has five granddaughters already and is in exactly one week beginning a retirement full of forced babysitting appointments. I think he just doesn't want to think about his son's dick getting sliced open like a hot dog bun.
Am I frightened of the procedure itself? No, not really. Seems to be pretty medically sound, all things considered. I did have a weird spell of nausea when the doc was explaining the procedure to me, and there's maybe a 50% chance that the nausea directly stemmed from the fact that she was talking about poking a needle into my penis. She offers valium to all those who are getting the procedure done, and I dunno, I might take her up on it just in case.
I can assure you those mixed feelings are purely physical and have only to do with my and many men's discomfort when it comes to messing with their private parts. Emotionally, I'm totally set. My kids are awesome, and my wife and I couldn't be more pleased, and I sure would like to continue to never wear a condom for the remainder of my life.
1 comment:
Looking forward to September 9-10, when a group of us rent an Airbnb and spend the weekend regaling each other with our favorite memories of Joe's balls.
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