Prompt: "A song that you could see being in a local law firm's commercial"
Selected by Joe
"Maria"
Justin Bieber
Believe, 2012
Okay, alright, my entries in this godforsaken song challenge have been a little heavy-handed lately. Let's keep it light today. Let's talk about some fucking dude in Philadelphia with the name Justin Bieber.
Imagine the incredible burden that must be, to grow up and aspire to do something in this world, make a name for yourself, and then find out that some punk ass kid has the same exact name as you, and that the other guy is going to be more famous then you will ever be. I live in fear of it happening to me. I sit at my computer at least once a week and google my own name, hoping that there are no up-and-comers vying for the title. I've been lucky so far. Justin M. Bieber Esquire cannot say the same.
I suppose there's a certain amount of respect deserved in this particular scenario. This guy looks relatively young. Maybe not as young as the globally-renown Justin D. Bieber, but young enough that he had to have known about the pop star early enough in his career that it was feasible to change his own name. Maybe a lesser man would've done that, would've cowered in the face of all those true Beliebers, and legally changed his name to something more lawyer-y (something like "Jawn Morgan," perhaps). But he didn't. Justin Maria Bieber leaned into it. He bought ad space on the fucking Broad Street Line and posted his real name out there for all to see. He's inviting the comparison. He's begging for mockery. He knows, as any lawyer worth his weight knows, that even bad press is good press. Having the name "Justin Bieber" is, at this juncture, unequivocally bad press, and I'm sure our Justin M. Bieber is rolling in obscene amounts of dough like Scrooge McDuck right now.
Though maybe also consider the fact that every single lawyer on earth—save for the four lawyers who moonlight as PoYB contributors—are crooked and slimy and deserve all the vitriol that young pop star stans can throw at them, and so we can include Justin M. Bieber in that. I'm trying to do the necessary research to write a joke about the type of law that J. M. Bieber practices, but some unscrupulous lawyer must have set it so that municipal computers are blocked from accessing his website. I'll start the inquiry and leave it at that (assume that whatever joke I could come up with for this space wouldn't have been funny anyway).
I would say that "Maria" is a decent enough pop song that it might fit well soundtracking a Justin M. Bieber television commercial, but I also caution Justin M. Bieber about chasing that level of fame. As we've seen from pop star Justin D. Bieber, fame is a double-edged sword. J. D. B. has all the money and recognition a human being could ever dream of, but he also can't go anywhere without being bombarded with flashbulbs and hollering, and he is by all accounts a troubled person with a whole lot of baggage brought on by a lifetime of celebrity. Sure, we Philadelphians can snicker at the fact that there's some jabroni lawyer with a goofy ass name, but imagine the pain and destruction that Justin M. Bieber would bring on himself if he was able to come even somewhere close to the vicinity of popularity and ubiquity of Justin D. Bieber. I think there's a good chance that Justin M. Bieber is an unctuous toad of a man, but I wouldn't wish that fate upon even my worst enemy.
Though maybe also consider the fact that every single lawyer on earth—save for the four lawyers who moonlight as PoYB contributors—are crooked and slimy and deserve all the vitriol that young pop star stans can throw at them, and so we can include Justin M. Bieber in that. I'm trying to do the necessary research to write a joke about the type of law that J. M. Bieber practices, but some unscrupulous lawyer must have set it so that municipal computers are blocked from accessing his website. I'll start the inquiry and leave it at that (assume that whatever joke I could come up with for this space wouldn't have been funny anyway).
I would say that "Maria" is a decent enough pop song that it might fit well soundtracking a Justin M. Bieber television commercial, but I also caution Justin M. Bieber about chasing that level of fame. As we've seen from pop star Justin D. Bieber, fame is a double-edged sword. J. D. B. has all the money and recognition a human being could ever dream of, but he also can't go anywhere without being bombarded with flashbulbs and hollering, and he is by all accounts a troubled person with a whole lot of baggage brought on by a lifetime of celebrity. Sure, we Philadelphians can snicker at the fact that there's some jabroni lawyer with a goofy ass name, but imagine the pain and destruction that Justin M. Bieber would bring on himself if he was able to come even somewhere close to the vicinity of popularity and ubiquity of Justin D. Bieber. I think there's a good chance that Justin M. Bieber is an unctuous toad of a man, but I wouldn't wish that fate upon even my worst enemy.
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