Day 87: I Have Never Watched Adaptation.

The camera pans in and sees Joe sitting at his work computer, banging his head against the keyboard, trying to figure out how to write about Adaptation. in a blog post. [voiceover] I’ve written myself into the blog post. My fat, stupid self. Today is the first day of the rest of my summer. I need to start actually living new experiences. I can’t keep just sitting on the couch and putting on a movie and considering that new. I should leave the house. I should start riding my bike more. I might lose some pounds that way. Especially from my stomach. If I lost my beer belly I might be happy. I need to stop drinking so much. Today’s the day. I’m going to stop drinking every weekend and I’m going to not be hungover on a Sunday and I’m going to actually do something worthwhile. Charlie Kaufman makes something of himself. He puts his talents to use, writing a great movie. I don’t have any talents. If you consider poorly riffing on the opening scene of a movie for a blog post that no one will read a talent then you’re almost as dumb as I am. I think I’m losing my hair. I’m losing the hair on my head but the hair on my fat ass is still there. Maybe if my hairline stopped receding and I lost some weight my wife would find me attractive. I’m going to do it this time. I’m going to go to the gym every day. If I’m paying for a gym membership then I might as well use it. I’ll figure out how to use some of the more complicated machines. I’ll lose weight and then gain it back in muscle. I’m fine. I don’t stress about how I look. Neither does my wife. Though I’m sure all parties involved would have no issue with me losing a few pounds. I’m going to do it. It’s tough caring about your weight when you care about the state of your country. The guy running the country doesn’t care about his weight. He eats KFC and can’t even walk a mile and sits around all day and watches TV and his clothes don’t fit and he is rich and getting richer and he is the most powerful man in the country and everyone hates him. He is the most hated man in the world but I’m less than that, I’m no one, I do nothing of note, in 100 years I’ll be forgotten. My passions are killing me. I need to do something with my life. I need to make a difference. I’d like to make an impact. I’d like to stop writing about faux life experiences and get up and do something. I want to race a car while riding a horse. I want to get chased through a swamp. I want to feel. Today’s the first day of the rest of my summer—

God help you if you use voiceover in your blog, my friends. God help you! That’s flaccid, sloppy writing. Any idiot can write a voiceover narration to explain the thoughts of a character.

Love,
Joey