We all have those regrets in life, those moments that, when you look back years or even decades later, you say: "What the fuck was I thinking?"
Most of those moments for me have to do with two things (and for the most part, both at the same time): 1) women, 2) alcohol. But there was one short time in my life, in freshman year of high school, that I feel like I don’t talk about a whole lot. Sometimes I don’t even remember that it actually happened. But when I do remember, sure enough, I think every time: "What the FUCK was I thinking?"
In the winter of early 2004, I joined the crew team. As a coxswain.
There are a few things wrong with this picture. The first is that the normal size of a typical coxswain is small. As in, short and light. I am neither of those things, and though I was a little smaller in the midsection thirteen years ago, I still was tall, and I certainly wasn’t light. Why in world did anyone sign off on the idea of me being a coxswain?!
The second thing I got wrong was my assumption that, because coxswains sit in the boat and don’t row during races, it would be less strenuous on a very nonathletic young freshman boy. I was wrong. Coxswains are expected to work out with the rowers—weight-lifting, cardio—I had never run a mile in my fucking life, and now all of a sudden I’m supposed to be running five miles up and down Kelly Drive? This was a massive miscalculation on my part.
What ended up happening, during those three short weeks on the freshman crew team, was... I got made fun of a lot by jocks, who found it funny that this very tall guy wanted to be a coxswain with the short kids, and he couldn’t do any of the exercises to boot... and I didn’t step foot in a boat because I was too big to be a coxswain, so I was (attempting to) work out and exercise for nothing, and no one told me to do something else, like, why even bother keep me around?
I say all this not for pity, because this shit was on me. It was my own stupid fault.
WHY, then, did I even try to join the crew team in the first place? Looking back, it was such a colossal mismatch. But hindsight is 20/20. Back in 2004, I had no fucking clue who I was or who I wanted to be. As high school continued, I eventually found great friends and had the time of my fucking life, but I’m not gonna lie, my freshman year was a lonely year for me.
And so, I figured I would try to go out and try to join some activities. It just took me a while to figure out what I wanted to do! Did I tell you I tried out for the basketball team? That was even more embarrassing than crew. But in that winter of 2004, I thought for sure being a coxswain, despite my size and lack of athleticism, would be a good fit for me. I was so fucking wrong.
By the end of my sophomore year, I had discovered two things that made high school pretty great: 1) the theater program, which solidified my high school friendships with my true like-minded peers, as well as gave me a great way to meet girls, and 2) alcohol, and a means to get it at lax neighborhood beer distributors and through helpful homeless folk.
And yes, I said at the beginning of this post how most of my mistakes in life were due to women and alcohol, and yes, I discovered those both in high school and I made many mistakes even then. But at least they were good mistakes. They made me a better person.
But as I rowed on the ergometer throughout a tiring, sweaty, and ultimately fulfilling class this morning, I thought a lot about my folly as a coxswain, and I know now, thirteen years later, that that mistake was a pointless one to make, and it taught me nothing. Except maybe that I should never join a crew team.
Love,
Joey
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