"Our fancy dish tonight is a savory bacon shrimp bite on a fresh cucumber slice, with a zesty dill spread. It was lovingly prepared, farm-to-table, designed to excite your taste buds and to touch euphoria. Let the creamy dill meld seamlessly with the crispy crunch of the thick Lancaster bacon slices. Land meets sea when you bite through to the plump shrimp, massaged with a hint of garlic, and a whole lot of tender care. Plus the cucumber is like zero fuckin' calories so you ain't gettin' fat, yo.
"Our fancy cocktail of choice on tonight's menu is what a Geocities website list of cocktails told me is called 'Dog Piss.' Tonight, we raise a glass to honor our dearly departed pup, Murphy, who you can see behind you on our shelf. Murph had one tooth, which he used to eat dirt and gravel often. His breath brought a tear yo your eye. Little man could eat a whole birthday cake before the candles were even lit. This drink is for you, buddy.
"I took the Dog Piss recipe and made slight adjustments to give it some Port Richmond flair. First, ice cold Bud Ice was carefully poured from two tall boy cans sold to me by a drunk, gap-toothed woman at a forty store. Next, top shelf Mad Dog 20/20 was delicately folded in, creating a delicious dichotomy, bracing by sweet. Next, vodka with the label peeled off, aged in a trash can with water from the backyard hose, added to kick you brain in the balls. Finally, it's topped off with a beautiful dram of 5-Hour Energy, so that the audience stays awake for the presentation, even if this also presents the risk of someone throwing up on Sara B******'s shoes.
"In his bestselling book, Tasting Beer, zythologist Randy Mosher suggests that you let the drink rest on your tongue for up to one whole minute. Watch as the flavors move from sharp to sweet to bitter. Breath through your nose, let the astringent retronasal aromas arouse your nosebuds. Feel the sting. Feel alive for once! Take another bite of shrimp. Let peach overtones smooth out the salty, savory seafood. You are home. Welcome."
NOTES
BEER: Bud Ice
GENRE: American Adjunct Lager
ABV: 5.5%
BREWED BY: Anheuser-Busch
LOCATION: St. Louis, MO
PURCHASED AT: There's a "forty store" at the corner of Allegheny and Cedar. I never knew the name of it, even while inside. According to Google Maps, its name is "2400 H&D DAILY INC.," which doesn't seem legit.
PRICE (AT THAT LOCATION): $1.75 per can
PAIRED WITH: See above
GRADE: 0 pukes out of 5
BEER COUNT: 38—I didn't really keep track of the alcohol I had today, but I think ten seems like a legitimate guess. Note: I also had a whole bunch of different kinds of alcohol, including some heavy hitters like Miller Lite, Bud Light, Twisted Tea, etc. I know I said that any alcohol I had this year would be disqualified from being featured at a later date, but I'm making an executive decision and taking that back.
BEER COUNT: 38—I didn't really keep track of the alcohol I had today, but I think ten seems like a legitimate guess. Note: I also had a whole bunch of different kinds of alcohol, including some heavy hitters like Miller Lite, Bud Light, Twisted Tea, etc. I know I said that any alcohol I had this year would be disqualified from being featured at a later date, but I'm making an executive decision and taking that back.
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