Summer Song Challenge, Day 73: Pat

Prompt: "A song makes you want to write 1000 words about it"

Selected by Pat

"Crushed Up"

Future

THE WIZRD, 2019

Diamonds tend not to change. Formed at least one billion years ago, at unimaginable depths and pressures, diamonds have transfixed people for at least the 6,000 years we've been keeping track of them. As the hardest naturally occurring substance, a great deal of a diamond's value comes from humans' ability to reshape it into something else.

Humans also tend not to change. One of my favorite parts of history is looking into the weird little details and realizing people back then aren't different. People have always goofed off, complained, and been unspeakably horny, same as modern people.

One of my favorite sagas from history pulls together these immovable objects: diamonds and human nature. It's a story that combines bottomless greed, ridiculous lies, a jaw-dropping amount of sex, and an entire nation taking away the wrong lesson from what just happened. Basically, the Affair of the Queen's Necklace—as it is known to scholars—could have happened in 2023, and none of the main characters would need to be changed to fit in our world. 

Our story begins in 1772, with King Louis XV of France wanting to buy a present for his maîtresse-en-titre, or "chief side piece," Madame du Barry. In 18th century France, being the King's #1 mistress was an actual position at court, so Louis XV had no hesitation about using state funds to buy Madame du Barry jewelry. Specifically, spending 2,000,000 livres (approximately $15 million) to commission an absurd diamond necklace. The only flaw in Louis XV's plan was that he died of smallpox before the necklace was completed. This led to the ascension of his son, Louis XVI, and his wife, Maria Antonia of Austria, better known as Queen Marie Antoinette.

Marie Antoinette has gotten a bad rap. History remembers her as self-absorbed, profligate, and maybe even kind of a pervert; the Queen Who Had It Coming. The truth is more complicated. Married to Louis XVI at age fourteen as part of a peace deal with Austria—France's historic enemy—Maria from Vienna was already facing an uphill climb toward popularity in France. Throw in a bad case of cultural whiplash (Austria certainly never had a court position as scandalous as "the king's chief mistress"), what would probably be diagnosed today as a learning disability (Marie had a lifelong struggle with reading and writing), and a husband who had absolutely zero interest in sex or producing heirs (Marie and Louis didn't consummate until SEVEN YEARS into their marriage), and you have a woman who, in all likelihood, was totally overwhelmed when she became Queen at age nineteen. Whatever flaws she had, Marie Antoinette was also a perfect scapegoat for a French populace growing restless over food shortages and an unresponsive monarchy.

Marie and Madame du Barry never got along. As a politically powerful kingfucker, du Barry was suspicious of this upstart Austrian coming into Versailles. For her part, Marie chose to ignore du Barry in public and in private, probably because she was skeeved out over du Barry's career choices. When the King died, the balance of power changed. Louis XVI was not a super social guy, but he either cared about Marie or hated du Barry enough to exile du Barry to a convent. This made Marie happy, but also made Boehmer and Bassenge, the poor jewelers who had made a necklace worth $15 million that suddenly no one wanted to buy, very sad.

B&B offered the completed diamond necklace to Marie in 1778 and 1781, but both times she declined, either out of a surprising sense of financial responsibility, or germaphobia / dislike for anything associated with Madame du Barry. For years, B&B tried to sell the necklace to someone—anyone—else, but had no takers. Literally the only kind of person who could afford it was royalty. In the end, the necklace would end up in the hands of someone who fancied themselves royalty. Enter the self-proclaimed Comtesse de la Motte and one of the most shameless human beings to ever walk the planet, Jeanne de Valois-Saint-Rémy.

Jeanne would have fucking crushed it on Instagram. Her entire life was based on one notable truth and a million carefully crafted deceptions. Born into a destitute family in rural France, Jeanne seemed condemned to a life of obscurity until a genealogist at Versailles determined that Jeanne's useless, alcoholic father was actually a descendant of the long dead King Henry II and his mistress. Always with the mistresses.

In recognition of her royal blood, Jeanne found herself granted a yearly stipend and a scholarship to a boarding school. From there, she never looked back. At 24, she married Nicolas de la Motte, an army officer, and the two began introducing themselves as the "Count and Countess of La Motte," a far-flung town in southern France near the Mediterranean. In fact, so far-flung that no one could check if Jeanne and Nicolas were telling the truth. It's extremely doubtful they were.

After a few years of partying hard, Jeanne and Nicolas found themselves in need of cash. As basically a fellow royal, Jeanne decided the easiest way would be to go to Versailles in 1783 and ask Marie Antoinette for more money. At the time, literally anyone dressed in appropriate attire could enter the royal palace and observe the royal family. Picture the White House if people in ties and jackets could walk in whenever and livestream the Bidens. Jeanne figured she could waltz in and charm Marie into increasing Jeanne's allowance. But in another move that suggests a much more astute woman than history gives her credit for, Marie refused to meet Jeanne, probably due to Jeanne's reputation for being a chronic liar and con artist.

Undeterred, Jeanne kept hanging around Versailles, collecting information as well as lovers. I don't know exactly how Jeanne and Nicolas handled their marriage. Based on what happened next, it seems as though Nicolas at least accepted his wife's sexual exploits, if not outright encouraged them. And in the interest of full disclosure, it appears that Nicolas was possibly discharged from the army for bedding his commanding officer's wife. What I'm trying to say is: fun couple!

First, Jeanne began a liaison (because they're French) with Nicolas's fellow army officer, Armand Rétaux de Villette. Villette had a colorful resumé; besides being an officer, he was also an accomplished forger, pimp, extortionist, and gigolo. What made him so attractive to Jeanne—besides presumably being pretty good in the sack—was Villette's talent for forging official-looking letters.

Second, Jeanne also began fucking Cardinal Rohan, a political player at Versailles and priest who thought the vow of celibacy was more aspirational than mandatory. The son of a prominent noble family, Cardinal Rohan had been dispatched to Vienna years earlier on a diplomatic mission, but had made a bad impression on Empress Maria Theresa by being a gross, weird party boy. Upon his return to France, Cardinal Rohan found his political career on life support, mostly because Maria Theresa had warned her daughter, Marie Antoinette, that Cardinal Rohan was kind of an idiot. Marie had wisely shut him out of her and Louis' inner circle. When Jeanne found out about this drama, her eyes probably lit up.

Third and most importantly, Jeanne learned about B&B, who had basically gone bankrupt trying to sell that fucking necklace. Jeanne already had a good scam going by constantly borrowing money from Cardinal Rohan, but this necklace presented an irresistible opportunity. With everything in place, Jeanne began one of the greatest hustles in the history of the Western world.

In 1784, Jeanne told Cardinal Rohan that she was actually one of Marie Antoinette's closest friends at Versailles and that she would be happy to help bring Rohan back into the Queen's favor. Cardinal Rohan, tumescent with joy, began writing letters to Marie for Jeanne to pass along. Much to his delight, Cardinal Rohan began receiving letters back from Marie. They explained that all their drama was in the past and he should keep giving money to Jeanne, who's totally the Queen's best friend. It should come as no surprise that none of these letters were from the Queen, but were masterful forgeries by Villette. Well, "masterful" is a relative term. The letters got Marie's signature totally wrong, but Cardinal Rohan was either too stupid or too horny to notice. Apparently Villette had quite the flair for prose and Cardinal Rohan became convinced that Marie Antoinette wanted more than just his diplomatic counsel, if you know what I'm saying.

After several months of correspondence, Cardinal Rohan asked Jeanne if they could meet Marie in-person. This is the stage of the scam where you, I, and most people with a functional brain would probably cash out. Not Jeanne though; she doubled down. Jeanne arranged a nighttime meeting between Rohan and the Queen in the gardens at Versailles, explaining that the Queen didn't want to raise eyebrows by meeting such a dashing, virile man like the Cardinal in public. Jeanne then—and this is my favorite part of the story—found a prostitute named Nicole le Guay d'Oliva, who looked kinda like Marie Antoinette in the dark. Jeanne brought Rohan and the fake Marie together for a quick and poorly lit meeting, and Rohan walked out totally convinced he had the Queen's confidence.

In January 1785, Jeanne began the final stage of Operation Cardinal Sin by delivering a letter from "Marie" asking if Rohan would be willing to act as a front man to purchase the diamond necklace. According to the letter, Marie actually loved the necklace that had been made for her father-in-law's fuck buddy, but the kingdom was going through some financial hardship and it would look bad if the Queen spent $15 million on jewelry. Therefore, the Queen needed Cardinal Rohan to buy the necklace from B&B on royal credit, then give the necklace to her best friend, Jeanne.

And so it went. Cardinal Rohan bought the necklace from B&B, on the promise that the Queen would pay upon receipt. Rohan delivered the necklace to Jeanne, who in turn gave it to Nicolas, who immediately broke it up and began fencing the diamonds in Paris and London. It was the perfect crime. Shit, did I say "the perfect crime?" I meant "destined to fall apart immediately."

The first indication something was wrong was when B&B, understandably, contacted Marie Antoinette asking for the money they were owed. When Marie, also understandably, said she had no idea what the hell they were talking about, B&B sent her the correspondence with Cardinal Rohan. In August 1785, the King and Queen called Rohan in for an audience and demanded an explanation. Rohan cheerfully produced the letters sent to him from the Queen. When the court noticed that Marie Antoinette's signatures on the letters were all wrong, King Louis ordered Rohan arrested for fraud. After all, Cardinal Rohan had spent his entire life around the royal family. Surely there was no way he'd be fooled by a forgery this lazy. No one could be that stupid, right?

From there, the whole scheme went up in flames. Jeanne, Villette, and Nicole le Guay were taken into custody within the week. Nicolas, Husband of the Year that he was, immediately abandoned his wife and high-tailed it to England. For reasons that are unclear to me and historians at large, the French also arrested a random magician who hung around Versailles named Alessandro di Cagliostro. Absolutely no evidence connected Cagliostro to the crime. I like to think Louis, after ordering the gendarmerie to find the conspirators, said "Fuck it, arrest the wizard, too. He creeps me out."

The trial took place in spring 1786, over the objections of the Pope, who was losing his shit that the French government was trying one of his cardinals in a secular court. The royal family, in an effort to appear transparent to all and clear their names, opted for a public trial in Paris. This ended up blowing back on them in the worst way. As daily updates and testimony poured out onto the front pages, the public-at-large simply could not believe that a scam so brazen could be completed with a straight face. Instead, a sizable portion of France concluded that the Austrian strumpet and her cuckold husband had defrauded a jeweler and were now framing a bunch of morons in order to avoid the bill. The royal family's reputation never recovered.

Now comes the part of the story where I explain where all of the characters ultimately ended up. Feel free to cue up "Layla."

Armand Rétaux de Villette agreed to testify against his co-defendants. For his cooperation, Villette was released, but banished from France for life. He is said to have died in Italy under an assumed name. Basically, the end of Goodfellas.

Nicolas de la Motte was tried in absentia, found guilty, and sentenced to hard labor as a galley slave. However, he never saw the inside of a boat. He remained in England until after the Revolution swept away the Ancien Régime and his conviction with it. He then returned to France and mooched off the public coffers in various government jobs until his death in 1831.

Cardinal Rohan's entire defense rested on the understanding that he was a huge dumbass who got duped by a polycule of scoundrels. Astonishingly, the trial court agreed and acquitted Rohan of all charges. However, his political career was in ruins and the Crown saw fit to banish Rohan to an abbey in the French countryside. Ironically, Cardinal Rohan was able to stage a comeback of sorts because the royal family hated him so much. After the Revolution came sweeping through the country, Cardinal Rohan was elected to the National Assembly by constituents who knew he was no friend of the hated Bourbons. But alas, Rohan fumbled this one, too, by refusing to swear loyalty to the new government of France. Apparently he took the Catholic vows not related to his dick very seriously. He retired from his cardinal position in 1801 and died in what is now Germany in 1803. 

Nicole Le Guay was also acquitted, after successfully arguing that she had only been hired to do some kinky queenplay and had no idea a con was even happening. I'm sure her business picked up after the trial, in a Nailin' Palin kinda way.

Madame du Barry never got the necklace that had been made for her. After a few years in exile and a few more affairs with French power players, du Barry was arrested by the revolutionary government on suspicion of helping wanted nobles flee the country. She was executed by guillotine on December 8, 1793, right as the Reign of Terror was reaching its peak.

The magician Cagliostro was acquitted, but only because there was no evidence that he had ever been involved. However, the court of public opinion had convicted him of "being too Italian" and he was deported after his release. He died in an Inquisition prison in 1795 after attempting to found a Masonic lodge in Rome. All-around fantastic side character.

As for the mastermind, Jeanne de Valois-Saint-Rémy was condemned to whipping and branding with a V (for voleuse, 'thief') on each shoulder. To add insult to injuries, Jeanne was then sentenced to life imprisonment, to be served specifically in the prostitutes-only prison in Salpêtrière. Justice is blind, except in 18th century France, where it was seen exclusively through the male gaze.

However, Jeanne was determined not to die in the set of Caged Heat. In June 1787, she escaped by disguising herself as a boy and walking out of the jail. Apparently boys could just walk in and out of sex worker-only prisons back in the day. From there, she fled to London and resumed hustling. In a move that would be repeated by shameless grifters for generations to come, Jeanne released a tell-all memoir in 1789. Knowing what her audience wanted, Jeanne totally threw Marie Antoinette under the bus, claiming that the Queen was in on the scheme the whole time.

The problem with stealing money as a full-time job is that most people take issue with having their money stolen. Some even decide to do something about it. On August 23, 1791, Jeanne's battered corpse was found outside a London hotel. It is generally accepted that Jeanne was hiding from one or more English loan sharks, was found at the hotel, and died by falling out the window. What is still debated is whether Jeanne jumped attempting to escape or was thrown out. Either way, the Scam Queen was dead.

As for the actual Queen, most of us are already familiar. As the Revolution accelerated, Marie Antoinette became a symbol of royal decadence and excess, in no small part due to this diamond necklace affair. After being forced out of Versailles in 1789, an unsuccessful attempt to flee the country in 1791, and the abolition of the monarchy in 1792, Marie found herself imprisoned by the French First Republic. The details of her imprisonment are too sad to recount here, so I'll jump to the end. After a speedy trial, Marie was found guilty of treason and sentenced to death. She was guillotined on October 16, 1793.

It's hard to say if there's a lesson to be gleaned from this story. What I take away is that people, as a whole, are the same as they've ever been. All of these characters could and do exist today. Jeanne is a professional liar in the same vein as Elizabeth Holmes or Sam Bankman-Fried: moving through the highest circles of the social elite, convincing powerful people to give her money by telling bald-faced lies. Cardinal Rohan is one of those infuriating failsons who can never truly be removed from wealth and influence, no matter how many times they fuck up and embarrass themselves, á la Hunter Biden, the Trump brothers, or Gob Bluth. Marie Antoinette wouldn't necessarily be evil, but she would be wildly out-of-touch and tone deaf. I can see her writing op-eds for the New York Times, wondering why everyone is trying to cancel her for living her life, luxuriously. The ridiculousness of the story is tailor-made for memes on Twitter and Reddit. Cagliostro is Criss Angel: Mindfreak.

One last thought. If this story is ever made into a prestige television miniseries—and Inshallah, it will be—"Crushed Up" would be the perfect song to play after Jeanne is given the necklace. There's no way she didn't celebrate their scam by popping a bottle of champagne and banging Villette while wearing that necklace, presumably while Nicolas lit a pipe by burning the undelivered letters from Cardinal Rohan. I can see this scene in my head as clearly as I see my own face in the mirror.