An ongoing feature here at PoYB, one where Joe runs through the moments in his life that were meaningful to him in some way. Doesn't mean that they were necessarily good times, or bad times, or whatever. Just means that they are important in the general scope of who Joe is and who he has become. Enjoy.
PART XI
Divorce Is Imminent
Autumn 2013
I warned you yesterday that there'd be more talk of religion and Catholic upbringings today, so if this isn't your cup of tea, turn back now. Here, how about you go read this treatise on Jersey Shore that I wrote in 2010.
Still here? Okay then.
I was raised Catholic, but a few steps below "hardcore" Catholic. We went to Mass every Sunday (sometimes Saturday night instead), and I received the sacraments, had a "Religion" class every semester for twelve and half years straight, etc. But, like, we didn't say grace as a family before dinner, and we weren't forced to pray before going to bed or anything.
My parents lightly encouraged a religious upbringing, but they weren't batshit crazy about it. Honestly, the main reason they raised me and my sisters Catholic was because that's how they were raised. That's it. I was Catholic the same way I was a Phillies fan. My family just didn't know any other way.
All this to say that the religion I practiced in my life has always been my choice. Catholicism was suggested, but it wasn't shoved down my throat. I chose how to practice my faith (or not practice my faith, eventually).
And my choice evolved over time. Gradually. I didn't give myself thirty lashes for sinning one day and become an atheist the next. My worldview changed as I grew older, steadily.
As alluded to in my previous passage, I would consider Fourth Grade Joe a boy of great faith. I believed that there was a God up there, and I believed he would be judging us, and I believed that behaving the way my teachers taught me would get me in the good graces of that God. So not only did I go to Mass every Sunday, I participated. I prayed to God at night. I was honest at confessions.
By the time I got to high school, all that had waned. I still went to Mass, but my mind was on the girl in the cute Sunday sundress. I didn't go to confession. I was learning how to think for myself, and I was starting to come to the realization that there probably wasn't a God up there looking down on all of us. I became a man of science. I needed proof, and proof wasn't there.
It was tough to let go of that safety net; I briefly described myself as an "agnostic theist" in college, indicating that I would never have proof that there was a God but I'm just gonna go ahead and believe in him anyway. That was too wishy-washy.
It was time to admit it: God is a construct that people made up so that we don't have to imagine the moment we cease to exist. I can't fathom what that means, to die and then to stop existing, and so I get why people need to imagine that when we die we all get to hang out on a cloud with everyone we love and the family dog too. I don't blame people for needing to think this. I just know better than to think it myself.
I'm getting way off track here. My point is—I am no longer religious.
But again harking back to what I talked about yesterday. I believe that we can live a good life by following the example of the Jesus character featured in the Bible. It doesn't matter what religion you believe in, if any. Doesn't matter if you think Jesus was a divine God or just a prophet or simply a decent human being or a completely fictional character. His actions as described in the Bible are a guidebook to how to live a good life (treat every human with basic decency, sacrifice your needs for others' needs, help those in need, bring as much fucking wine to a party as you can, etc.).
The Catholicism that I was raised in, then, isn't necessarily a bad thing, theoretically. If the whole point is to follow Jesus, and the Catholic Church is truly committed to following Jesus, then we should have zero beef between us, the Catholic Church and I. We'd be on the same page.
That's why Pope Francis is quasi-beloved by a lot of young(ish) folk like me. He actually took steps to get closer to following Jesus' example, instead of the warped version the Church has been preaching. Pope Francis lives a humble life. He sneaks out in the middle of the night to help the poor. He has said that it's better to be a kind atheist than a shit Catholic (I'm paraphrasing).
But the assumption that the Catholic Church is truly following the example of Jesus? That's hypothetical, man. There are a lot of fucked up issues with the Church. I don't want to get too far into this, but, um, we can start with the covering up priests molesting children? The shunning of homosexuals? And this is just shit with the Church officials. Step into any church and witness the hypocrisy. Okay, I really don't want to get on a rant here. I'll cut myself short. You get the idea.
I think I'm finally ready to get to the actual incident in question here. I'm about to tell you about the moment when the Church and I finally went our separate ways. I was okay saying I was "raised Catholic" before this, but after this incident, I was no longer comfortable admitting it. I want nothing to do with the Catholic Church anymore. Fuck that shit.
So it was the Fall of 2013, I think. Pam and I had gotten engaged the previous May, and we were fucking pumped to say the vows and become one. We had already booked our wedding venue, a beautiful winery. As a winery is clearly not a church in any sense of the word, we had a lot of leeway in creating our own wedding ceremony. We would need someone to actually perform the ceremony, for one.
My Dad, as mentioned above, was raised Catholic and still practiced (he had not had any type of scientific or atheistic awakening of his own, in other words), and he felt that it was worth a try to see if a Catholic priest would still say the "Mass" at the winery. The only thing I gave a shit about was that my future wife was happy, and my future wife figured that if a priest was willing to say Mass at a winery, then said priest would be cool enough to be the one to bless our marriage. And so, with everyone mostly in agreement, me and my Dad went to visit my old local parish priest and get his input.
(I won't say the priest's name here. Even though I want nothing to do with him anymore, and I want nothing to do with the Church anymore, some Catholic habits are impossible to break, and I cannot bring myself to name a priest when I'm talking shit on him.)
Dad and I visited the head priest of the parish at his Rectory office. We explained the situation, and asked him, "Would you be okay with performing our wedding for us?"
I'll paraphrase some of his responses:
"No."
"I don't understand why you wouldn't marry in a Church."
"It's a sin to get married outside the Church."
"Your marriage will not be valid in the eyes of God."
And here's the kicker, the thing he said that irreparably damaged my view of the Catholic Church and made me turn away from this institution forever:
"You're probably going to get divorced if you do this."
FUCK THAT GUY.
Was he fucking serious? What kind of dick says something like that, regardless of the context? My Dad and I left the Rectory in disbelief. Like, fucking stunned. I've never been buddy-buddy with this priest, but I grew up in his Church, and I had more than a modicum of respect for him. He was a reference on my job applications in high school, for fuck's sake.
But he made it clear that he doesn't fucking know me, or care about me. The leader of the fucking parish is going to tell one of his old parishioners that his marriage is going to end in divorce? Fuck that shit. Fuck him. And fuck the Church for allowing that bullshit to spew out of this dude's foul fucking mouth.
I mean, it doesn't even make sense, this policy of needing to get married in a Church. Isn't the Lord supposed to be everywhere? Can't you get baptized and receive Eucharist and give confession and receive the Last Rites outside the building of a Church? So why not marriage? And isn't the Catholic Church, like, fucking hemorrhaging members? Why chase people away? It's really no fucking wonder young people are turning away from the Catholic Church in droves. Who wants to be a part of an organization that is going to insult you so deeply?
Someone stop me, please. I could go on and on about this.
At the end of the day, it's just fucking plain ol' disappointing that a priest would say something so hurtful. It wasn't very Christ-like, I guess is ultimately what I'm trying to say. Would Jesus say something like that? Would Jesus imply that the love my wife and I have for each other is not valid because we decided to get married outside the walls of a church? No, I don't think he would.
Pam is the most important thing in my life, full stop. Fuck anyone that dares say otherwise. Fuck the Church.
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